How existential of me to ask that. And really, if I were philosophizing on my true meaning - my true reason for existence - then I think it would take up an entire book and not a blog entry.
No, the question is much simpler than that.
One of the ways I know to make money when I depart for my "epic journey of lateness" and explore the US in a motorhome (est.2015) is to write. Yay! Writing.
Easy enough.
But how do you make money at it? I don't mean $25 here and there, I mean $1000/month. Or more. Well, I understand I need to establish myself as a writer in a freelance world. I need to have stories and an angle and a friend in the publishing business.
Crap.
I actually need to work at this.
So where to start? What do I know? Always write about what you know. Easy.
But what do I know? Really know?
And that's where the problem seems to exist for me.
Here's what I know...REALLY know:
How to persevere
How to raise a child
How to be a single mom
How to live (or not live) with someone who has a terrible addiction
How to juggle life - not always successfully
I know what it's like to be withdrawn, what it's like to hide. I know what it's like to pretend you are someone else.
I know the experience of acting - from a chorus role to the lead in a musical - and everything behind the scenes.
How to have a successful marriage
How to have a successful and angst-free divorce
How to be honest
But beyond that - I'm not an expert in anything. I have my passions, but I don't consider myself to be an expert in any field. I can tell stories and have a sardonic wit. I can see the humor in just about everything. I am the first to laugh at myself. And I find myself a little afraid of everything around me.
Insecurity is a bitch. If I were to look at myself on paper, without knowing it was me, I would be mightily impress with the strength of that woman. But knowing it's me - I just know that I did what every other person in this world does - I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes through mud or windstorms, or blizzards, or floods. Sometimes through the most beautiful of sunny days.
I am no different than anyone else.
Except I have a way to find my voice and the voice of others. I have the talent to put that voice out there and allow my experiences to be heard.
Is that voice publishable?
Is there anything I can say that hasn't already been said? That someone wants to hear?
I have no idea.
And I don't think I will really ever know the answer to that unless I start to write from the heart. Not a blog - but something more marketable. An article. An opinion column. Something to sell to a small paper or two or twenty or more.
Maybe a weekly piece would be enough to carry me forward as a writer and as a way to finance my adventure through space. Maybe those stories on the road will become a future book (yes! even with pictures!), or at the very least, a small voice heard by a few souls who still read.
I understand that today is the day I need to figure it all out. I can't wait until I'm on the road to test the waters. The time is now...
The first step is always the most frightening. From my experience, the next few steps after that aren't so easy either...
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Interesting insight into a friend and weight loss...
A male friend of mine took me to dinner last night to celebrate my birthday. Anyone who has followed my blogs, etc, may recognize "said friend" as the man I was infatuated with for the past 4 years. He started dating a woman last February and I met her for the first time about 6 weeks ago.
Obviously, the conversation drifted toward her and their relationship. (warning...I may get a tad snippy in this blog!)
She had gastric bypass surgery about 3 years ago and has lost over 120 pounds. She has also had a tummy tuck and a boob job. Duh. At least my eyes could tell it was obvious. Now don't misunderstand me - I have six friends who have gone the gastric bypass route (not lapband) and one who had the cosmetic surgery. I understand. However, I also know that you can lose weight the old fashioned way - through hardwork, dietary changes and exercise.
Here's the best part of doing it the old-fashioned way...you can still eat food. I don't mean pick at it, or avoid certain things - I mean you can flipping eat food.
I proved that last night. I have lost 40 pounds this year. Last night I had no difficulty having a petite filet, broccoli, and a blue cheese/pecan salad with a sangria to wash it all down. Will I eat like that again today? No. And that's okay. But I can eat it.
His girlfriend cannot. But she's "skinny" and has perky boobs. Yeah for her. I would love to be skinny and perky again. But I'm 52. Perky is not part of my body image anymore.
And that's okay too.
Last night, my friend told me how wonderful I was looking. How had I lost the weight? What was I doing differently? He complimented me on my hair and even thought it was time I bought a new wardrobe to reflect the changes I've made. Instead, I told him I was moving forward with my life and planning a way to travel the country in a RV - my 5 year plan. I was ready to live for me...FINALLY. He seemed surprised that I was willing to venture out - cut my roots and live by "chance."
He thought I should live a more stable life. I should date and maybe even settle down. Find a nice man who appreciates the eclectic person I am. Like he does - but one that isn't involved with another woman. WHAT?
The worst part was his confession that he would not have dated his current girlfriend 3 years ago before her weightloss, yet today he is considering it as a long-term relationship. She's the same person she was 3 years ago except with a ton of surgery. How shallow is that?
Starts to make sense why he and I never dated. That saddens me. Not because we didn't date - but because of the idea that he didn't date me because of my weight.
I'm sure I was a tad catty when he mentioned she "had" to have the surgery for health reasons. No she didn't. She lost a ton of weight and was saggy. That doesn't affect your physical health. It affects your vanity. It's okay to admit vanity - but call it what it is. Don't say it was for health issues. The weight loss was for health issues...not the boob job.
The funniest part was when I found out how old she is. My friend is 47, and I'm 52. He can never remember how old I am because I don't look like I'm 52. I look younger. I act younger. Call it good genes - but the fact remains...today I don't look 50. I'm thankful for that. But when I met her last month I was sure she was older than me. I based that on her skin, wrinkles, attitude, the way she carried herself, oh, and the fact that she has a grown and married son. Nope. She's 43. SERIOUSLY??? When he told me that I physically choked on my drink. How embarrassing. I couldn't even hide my shock.
Last night, he didn't seem to understand my surprise. He tried to write it off and say it was because she's had some difficult years (Really? Difficult? I can compare lives and I bet I can match her difficulty for difficulty and then some.) Well he emailed me today and here is his direct quote: "It *was* interesting after your comment about XXX's age, to see you and her standing next to each other. Not sure if it’s genes, or life, or that red-heads don’t age as well. But yes- just take it as a compliment that you DO look a LOT younger than XXX. Oh well."
I've got 30 - 40 more pounds to lose. I will manage that in the coming year. When I'm done, I'll be saggy. But I will have done it on my own - no invasive surgery. I will be able to eat Creme Brulee if I want without throwing up. I can go to a party and not pick at my food. I will have learned what creates a proper diet and will be able to maintain a healthy outlook on food and how to eat. I will be able to move and workout. I will know the importance of a healthy life - and not bypass the efforts because I was in the medical field and had someone offer a quick fix.
And when my friend is comfortably ensconced in a relationship built upon her vanity and his shallowness - I will be long gone, thankful my guardian angels were keeping my heart protected when all I wanted was to be loved. What I wanted he couldn't give me. Last night, it all came together so clearly.
And all because I have lost weight.
Obviously, the conversation drifted toward her and their relationship. (warning...I may get a tad snippy in this blog!)
She had gastric bypass surgery about 3 years ago and has lost over 120 pounds. She has also had a tummy tuck and a boob job. Duh. At least my eyes could tell it was obvious. Now don't misunderstand me - I have six friends who have gone the gastric bypass route (not lapband) and one who had the cosmetic surgery. I understand. However, I also know that you can lose weight the old fashioned way - through hardwork, dietary changes and exercise.
Here's the best part of doing it the old-fashioned way...you can still eat food. I don't mean pick at it, or avoid certain things - I mean you can flipping eat food.
I proved that last night. I have lost 40 pounds this year. Last night I had no difficulty having a petite filet, broccoli, and a blue cheese/pecan salad with a sangria to wash it all down. Will I eat like that again today? No. And that's okay. But I can eat it.
His girlfriend cannot. But she's "skinny" and has perky boobs. Yeah for her. I would love to be skinny and perky again. But I'm 52. Perky is not part of my body image anymore.
And that's okay too.
Last night, my friend told me how wonderful I was looking. How had I lost the weight? What was I doing differently? He complimented me on my hair and even thought it was time I bought a new wardrobe to reflect the changes I've made. Instead, I told him I was moving forward with my life and planning a way to travel the country in a RV - my 5 year plan. I was ready to live for me...FINALLY. He seemed surprised that I was willing to venture out - cut my roots and live by "chance."
He thought I should live a more stable life. I should date and maybe even settle down. Find a nice man who appreciates the eclectic person I am. Like he does - but one that isn't involved with another woman. WHAT?
The worst part was his confession that he would not have dated his current girlfriend 3 years ago before her weightloss, yet today he is considering it as a long-term relationship. She's the same person she was 3 years ago except with a ton of surgery. How shallow is that?
Starts to make sense why he and I never dated. That saddens me. Not because we didn't date - but because of the idea that he didn't date me because of my weight.
I'm sure I was a tad catty when he mentioned she "had" to have the surgery for health reasons. No she didn't. She lost a ton of weight and was saggy. That doesn't affect your physical health. It affects your vanity. It's okay to admit vanity - but call it what it is. Don't say it was for health issues. The weight loss was for health issues...not the boob job.
The funniest part was when I found out how old she is. My friend is 47, and I'm 52. He can never remember how old I am because I don't look like I'm 52. I look younger. I act younger. Call it good genes - but the fact remains...today I don't look 50. I'm thankful for that. But when I met her last month I was sure she was older than me. I based that on her skin, wrinkles, attitude, the way she carried herself, oh, and the fact that she has a grown and married son. Nope. She's 43. SERIOUSLY??? When he told me that I physically choked on my drink. How embarrassing. I couldn't even hide my shock.
Last night, he didn't seem to understand my surprise. He tried to write it off and say it was because she's had some difficult years (Really? Difficult? I can compare lives and I bet I can match her difficulty for difficulty and then some.) Well he emailed me today and here is his direct quote: "It *was* interesting after your comment about XXX's age, to see you and her standing next to each other. Not sure if it’s genes, or life, or that red-heads don’t age as well. But yes- just take it as a compliment that you DO look a LOT younger than XXX. Oh well."
I've got 30 - 40 more pounds to lose. I will manage that in the coming year. When I'm done, I'll be saggy. But I will have done it on my own - no invasive surgery. I will be able to eat Creme Brulee if I want without throwing up. I can go to a party and not pick at my food. I will have learned what creates a proper diet and will be able to maintain a healthy outlook on food and how to eat. I will be able to move and workout. I will know the importance of a healthy life - and not bypass the efforts because I was in the medical field and had someone offer a quick fix.
And when my friend is comfortably ensconced in a relationship built upon her vanity and his shallowness - I will be long gone, thankful my guardian angels were keeping my heart protected when all I wanted was to be loved. What I wanted he couldn't give me. Last night, it all came together so clearly.
And all because I have lost weight.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The sigh of relief
Biopsy's are scary things.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I cried.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I cried.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.
Friday, October 28, 2011
What do I want to do with my life?
In ten months, I will join the ranks of empty nesters. As a single mom, it means something a little different for me when compared to couples or parents of multiple children.
Currently, in my world, there are two of us. We travel as a pair. We laugh until we cry at things only the two of us may find funny. We know each other better than a lot of couples. But, in 10 months, we will split as we have always meant to. Off he will go to become the man he is meant to be.
And I will start my own new adventure.
This one is for me. Not for my parents. Not for my family. Not for my fiance/husband. Not for my son. Me. This time it is all about me.
What the hell do I do?
How many other people have experienced this?
Hundreds of thousands I expect.
I've promised my son I would "get a life" and not wallow in missing him...or become the hermit I'm so good at. So I've been searching my brain for what I really have always wanted to do - and then figure out how to do it.
The answer came to me when I stumbled onto a auction show. Someone was trying to auction of their old AirStream trailer. It was from the 1970's and he wanted $10,000 for it. AirStreams are cool. Very cool.
I want one.
Wait a minute.
I really do want one.
How cool would it be to travel around the US? Go anywhere you want whenever you want? Drive your own home.
Right. People with huge retirements do that. Couples. People with more money than reasonable do that.
And then I thought to look into it.
The average full-time RV-er spends approximately $25,000 a year...some more, some less. And you can join groups. There are companies that will hire you seasonally - they will actually hire work-campers.
Okay...that would help. But I'm also a writer. It's what I do and what I'm good at. So...why can't I find a job that allows me to telecommute from the road? Seriously? Why not? It's 2011 - the age of technology and instant communication. With a cell phone, a computer and wifi (or hell, an aircard) I could be in immediate contact with anyone.
I could also write travel columns. Or blogs. I'm pretty damned good with a camera too - so I would be able to submit pictures to go with the articles.
Dear God I could freelance.
I wonder...is it really possible? How long would it take to establish myself and guarantee and income of $20 - $30K a year in a combination of freelancing and working various jobs around the nation? I couldn't expect much more than minimum to $10/hour ... but that would at least cover gas & food.
I would have to downsize. Severely. But I live in an apartment right now ... and have started to go through the remaining boxes in my garage. I'm already getting rid of stuff. So why not just get rid of more? Why not just keep stuff in storage? I don't have that much anyway. Very little furniture that I'm attached to. Like 5 pieces and my bed. They rest can go away. My art is a different story. I'm actually attached to 6 pieces and I'm not sure they would fit in an RV.
Then there's the idea of an RV. The little research I've done tells me I need a class C no bigger than 27 feet. I'll be able to tow my car behind it. I like my car and it would be the perfect vehicle for travel.
So all I need to do is figure out how to afford an RV and finance my life on the road.
I can have a life.
I will become Terri the Nomad.
I may actually manage it by the time I'm 55. That's 2015.
This may really be doable.
And that makes me happy.
Currently, in my world, there are two of us. We travel as a pair. We laugh until we cry at things only the two of us may find funny. We know each other better than a lot of couples. But, in 10 months, we will split as we have always meant to. Off he will go to become the man he is meant to be.
And I will start my own new adventure.
This one is for me. Not for my parents. Not for my family. Not for my fiance/husband. Not for my son. Me. This time it is all about me.
What the hell do I do?
How many other people have experienced this?
Hundreds of thousands I expect.
I've promised my son I would "get a life" and not wallow in missing him...or become the hermit I'm so good at. So I've been searching my brain for what I really have always wanted to do - and then figure out how to do it.
The answer came to me when I stumbled onto a auction show. Someone was trying to auction of their old AirStream trailer. It was from the 1970's and he wanted $10,000 for it. AirStreams are cool. Very cool.
I want one.
Wait a minute.
I really do want one.
How cool would it be to travel around the US? Go anywhere you want whenever you want? Drive your own home.
Right. People with huge retirements do that. Couples. People with more money than reasonable do that.
And then I thought to look into it.
The average full-time RV-er spends approximately $25,000 a year...some more, some less. And you can join groups. There are companies that will hire you seasonally - they will actually hire work-campers.
Okay...that would help. But I'm also a writer. It's what I do and what I'm good at. So...why can't I find a job that allows me to telecommute from the road? Seriously? Why not? It's 2011 - the age of technology and instant communication. With a cell phone, a computer and wifi (or hell, an aircard) I could be in immediate contact with anyone.
I could also write travel columns. Or blogs. I'm pretty damned good with a camera too - so I would be able to submit pictures to go with the articles.
Dear God I could freelance.
I wonder...is it really possible? How long would it take to establish myself and guarantee and income of $20 - $30K a year in a combination of freelancing and working various jobs around the nation? I couldn't expect much more than minimum to $10/hour ... but that would at least cover gas & food.
I would have to downsize. Severely. But I live in an apartment right now ... and have started to go through the remaining boxes in my garage. I'm already getting rid of stuff. So why not just get rid of more? Why not just keep stuff in storage? I don't have that much anyway. Very little furniture that I'm attached to. Like 5 pieces and my bed. They rest can go away. My art is a different story. I'm actually attached to 6 pieces and I'm not sure they would fit in an RV.
Then there's the idea of an RV. The little research I've done tells me I need a class C no bigger than 27 feet. I'll be able to tow my car behind it. I like my car and it would be the perfect vehicle for travel.
So all I need to do is figure out how to afford an RV and finance my life on the road.
I can have a life.
I will become Terri the Nomad.
I may actually manage it by the time I'm 55. That's 2015.
This may really be doable.
And that makes me happy.
Friday, September 30, 2011
ch-ch-ch-changes
Fine.
I fess up.
Yesterday was a surprising mix of emotions...oddly enough I never really cried. True, my eyes "leaked" as I finally laid down to sleep...but it wasn't an overwhelming sadness...more like the closing of a chapter that I had closed a long time ago only to recognize it today.
I met "her." I did not like "her." I don't get why on earth she would be the "chosen one" over me. But she is and if that is truly the case, I never stood a chance in Hell with this man. I walked away realizing that I was the better woman.
For me to see that is huge.
For as insecure and afraid as I can be, I recognized yesterday that it is not who I outwardly portray. And why is that? Because I really am strong. I really am confident. I really am in control.
And I'm a hell of a lot of fun to be with.
Someone is out there that "gets" me and then I will be "her" for him.
So, yesterday, I walked away. Not from my friendship, but from my anchor.
Today, I am floating to the top...
As if to bolster that change, an opening appeared in a group's meetup that I've been interested in. The meeting is tonight and I'm actually going.
Now, for a lot of people, this isn't a big deal. But for me - the person who prefers to simply hide in my home - this is a huge step toward finding me again.
The meeting is only women (something I have avoided most of my life) and spiritual (not weighted down by Christianity - more overwhelming and all-accepting spirituality) something I've been drawn to for my entire life, but something I've always shied away from because of my Christian roots.
But the pull this time is very strong. Who am I to deny this at this stage in my life?
The changes are necessary for me to grow.
I've got the diet right (my huge splurge last night was very European! Bleu Cheese and wine!) and I'm starting to let go of dead weight (sorry John). I've spent the past 5 years trying to find my footing so I can move forward - and maybe, today, the time is now.
So - 30 pounds lighter and emotionally single, I step into the light of the universe and try to discover this mysterious world of women and earthly spiritualism. (sounds Wicca...no...that's not where this is going...at least not yet...)
I will let everyone know how tonight's Water Elemental goes (that's the lesson for this evening) and I will keep ya'll posted on my attempts at coming out of my shell and stepping into the big and beautiful world surrounding us all.
"I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence..."
I fess up.
Yesterday was a surprising mix of emotions...oddly enough I never really cried. True, my eyes "leaked" as I finally laid down to sleep...but it wasn't an overwhelming sadness...more like the closing of a chapter that I had closed a long time ago only to recognize it today.
I met "her." I did not like "her." I don't get why on earth she would be the "chosen one" over me. But she is and if that is truly the case, I never stood a chance in Hell with this man. I walked away realizing that I was the better woman.
For me to see that is huge.
For as insecure and afraid as I can be, I recognized yesterday that it is not who I outwardly portray. And why is that? Because I really am strong. I really am confident. I really am in control.
And I'm a hell of a lot of fun to be with.
Someone is out there that "gets" me and then I will be "her" for him.
So, yesterday, I walked away. Not from my friendship, but from my anchor.
Today, I am floating to the top...
As if to bolster that change, an opening appeared in a group's meetup that I've been interested in. The meeting is tonight and I'm actually going.
Now, for a lot of people, this isn't a big deal. But for me - the person who prefers to simply hide in my home - this is a huge step toward finding me again.
The meeting is only women (something I have avoided most of my life) and spiritual (not weighted down by Christianity - more overwhelming and all-accepting spirituality) something I've been drawn to for my entire life, but something I've always shied away from because of my Christian roots.
But the pull this time is very strong. Who am I to deny this at this stage in my life?
The changes are necessary for me to grow.
I've got the diet right (my huge splurge last night was very European! Bleu Cheese and wine!) and I'm starting to let go of dead weight (sorry John). I've spent the past 5 years trying to find my footing so I can move forward - and maybe, today, the time is now.
So - 30 pounds lighter and emotionally single, I step into the light of the universe and try to discover this mysterious world of women and earthly spiritualism. (sounds Wicca...no...that's not where this is going...at least not yet...)
I will let everyone know how tonight's Water Elemental goes (that's the lesson for this evening) and I will keep ya'll posted on my attempts at coming out of my shell and stepping into the big and beautiful world surrounding us all.
"I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence..."
Saturday, July 9, 2011
To stop judging & comparing and just be with what is
I can't begin to tell you how wonderful and smooth my thinking process is becoming between the 17DD, FatLoser.com and these affirmations. Yesterday was my 2nd 16 hour day this week - and I found myself - though stressed because of deadlines - in control. I WAS IN CONTROL! That's huge. I wasn't scattered, or flustered, or scared and I had foods in my bag to maintain myself through the day. I was prepared. And then I came home and did a 48 minute walk.
Here's to today and our continued success!
*****
Our mind used to automatically make comments on everything that happened. It was always judging, commenting, criticizing, approving, deciding whether something was right or wrong, good or bad, too big or too small, too this or too that. I was so busy comparing what was to what I thought it should be or wanted it to be that I did not have time to enjoy the moment.
Today I am learning to stop judging
and comparing so that I can be with what is.
I am learning to accept what is without the struggle
of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong.
*****
Today - go out and enjoy all your moments! Accept them as they are and stop putting judgments on them. That is my plan today. Enjoy the simplicities of life - whatever they are and whatever comes my way. Today will simply be - today.
I can think of no better way to face life.
I have worried and stressed and fretted about things not being what I thought they should be - or even worse - not be what I thought others would want them to be. Not only did I have my own preconceived notions about events and such in my head, but I also had preconceived ideas about what was in the heads of other. Try living up to that!
No wonder I was an emotional mess for so long.
No wonder I'm fat.
I couldn't live up to my expectations or to those I self-imposed and reflected back onto my self. What a confusing and constantly questioning way of life.
Well I'm done.
It is time to release all the continual second-guessing I've done throughout most of my life. There was a time - long ago - when a friend and I developed a "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" kind of attitude. It wasn't as harsh or as uncaring as it sounds - it was simply allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to please the entire world. We were 19? 20? when we came up with that - and suddenly I felt on top of the world. I managed to have an awesome job with an awesome company - I enjoyed life and all my friends - I met my husband during this time - life was great. Sure there were bad things happening in my life, but they were suddenly manageable and didn't cripple me into submission.
Somewhere along the line I lost that attitude. I "grew up" and became "responsible" whatever that means. I suddenly found myself trying to fit into molds...and I couldn't get off the merry-go-round of frustration. Suddenly I was back to second-guessing every move I made because I thought I had to so as to be seen as responsible.
Here I am. 51 years old. And all those years of trying to live in the molds of others has left me frustrated and fat.
Until this past May when I sucked it up and started to remember who I am. I allowed myself to release the pain - release the frustration - release the attempts at trying to make everyone happy except for myself. I released the chains of what I supposed was life and allowed myself to actually live life.
And you know what?
I'm happier. I'm healthier. I'm almost 20 pounds lighter.
Oddly enough - I'm more balanced and therefore more able to maintain my life and my responsibilities. I am becoming the responsible adult without the suffocating restraints I thought that title imposed.
I am finally growing up into myself. And it's only taken me a little more than 25 years to find myself back to the path I discovered when I first entered into adulthood.
I am learning to accept what is without the struggle of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong.
I am finding peace.
Here's to today and our continued success!
*****
Our mind used to automatically make comments on everything that happened. It was always judging, commenting, criticizing, approving, deciding whether something was right or wrong, good or bad, too big or too small, too this or too that. I was so busy comparing what was to what I thought it should be or wanted it to be that I did not have time to enjoy the moment.
Today I am learning to stop judging
and comparing so that I can be with what is.
I am learning to accept what is without the struggle
of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong.
*****
Today - go out and enjoy all your moments! Accept them as they are and stop putting judgments on them. That is my plan today. Enjoy the simplicities of life - whatever they are and whatever comes my way. Today will simply be - today.
I can think of no better way to face life.
I have worried and stressed and fretted about things not being what I thought they should be - or even worse - not be what I thought others would want them to be. Not only did I have my own preconceived notions about events and such in my head, but I also had preconceived ideas about what was in the heads of other. Try living up to that!
No wonder I was an emotional mess for so long.
No wonder I'm fat.
I couldn't live up to my expectations or to those I self-imposed and reflected back onto my self. What a confusing and constantly questioning way of life.
Well I'm done.
It is time to release all the continual second-guessing I've done throughout most of my life. There was a time - long ago - when a friend and I developed a "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" kind of attitude. It wasn't as harsh or as uncaring as it sounds - it was simply allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to please the entire world. We were 19? 20? when we came up with that - and suddenly I felt on top of the world. I managed to have an awesome job with an awesome company - I enjoyed life and all my friends - I met my husband during this time - life was great. Sure there were bad things happening in my life, but they were suddenly manageable and didn't cripple me into submission.
Somewhere along the line I lost that attitude. I "grew up" and became "responsible" whatever that means. I suddenly found myself trying to fit into molds...and I couldn't get off the merry-go-round of frustration. Suddenly I was back to second-guessing every move I made because I thought I had to so as to be seen as responsible.
Here I am. 51 years old. And all those years of trying to live in the molds of others has left me frustrated and fat.
Until this past May when I sucked it up and started to remember who I am. I allowed myself to release the pain - release the frustration - release the attempts at trying to make everyone happy except for myself. I released the chains of what I supposed was life and allowed myself to actually live life.
And you know what?
I'm happier. I'm healthier. I'm almost 20 pounds lighter.
Oddly enough - I'm more balanced and therefore more able to maintain my life and my responsibilities. I am becoming the responsible adult without the suffocating restraints I thought that title imposed.
I am finally growing up into myself. And it's only taken me a little more than 25 years to find myself back to the path I discovered when I first entered into adulthood.
I am learning to accept what is without the struggle of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong.
I am finding peace.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Trusting your instincts - the voice of reason and truth
"Seek always the answer from within. Be not influenced by those around you, by their thoughts or by their words." ~ Eileen Caddy
When faced with a decision as to which way to go today, I will pause and take the time that I need to feel it through. I no longer have to look to other people for approval. I can seek advice and then make my own decisions. I can take quiet time and go with my intuition. I can let my body tell me what is right for me.
*****
When faced with a decision as to which way to go today, I will pause and take the time that I need to feel it through. I no longer have to look to other people for approval. I can seek advice and then make my own decisions. I can take quiet time and go with my intuition. I can let my body tell me what is right for me.
*****
Today I trust my instincts. Today I trust that I will know at the right time the right answer. Today I have the faith to know that God guides me in my choices.
*****
The above is from "Time for Joy" a book of daily affirmations. In the past, I have usually met the suggestion of daily affirmations with a smirk. How on earth can the simple repetition of words change my life? Especially words so simple...almost insipid...I should and do already know this - so why will it help me? I felt like that character Stuart Smalley from SNL (Al Franken) - and I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Yet...
Wait...
It works.
It really does work.
And everyday that I follow the daily affirmation - everyday that I repeat these simple words, this simple message over and over - I'm getting stronger. I'm happier and more relaxed. I can deal with the day to day better than before. I breathe more. I'm finding that voice inside of me again.
For me this is huge. For me, for so long, I lost that voice inside of me...that very, very wise voice. And each day it gets a little bit louder and I trust it a little bit more.
Though this particular affirmation means to expand into all aspects of ones' life - it can easily be focused down to eating well and eating right. Use it however you may need - find that voice inside of you and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Eat the right foods - avoid the ones that weigh you down both literally and figuratively.
As I have always told my son before a decision or a test or anything that brings with it "second thought" - Breathe, then answer. In other words, take in a deep breathe...hold...then release your worries, your stress with that exhale. What is left, if you truly let it go, is the truth for you at that moment. Go with it and know you have made the best choice for you at that moment with all that you have and all that you know.
My intention is to get back to that simple "knowing." No regrets - no questions - no internal struggle. Just peace of mind.
If I can find my internal peace - trust that you can, too. It's right there. Inside of you, where it has always been. It's just very quiet and very polite and just waiting for you to stop long enough to find your center.
Just breathe and listen.
The above is from "Time for Joy" a book of daily affirmations. In the past, I have usually met the suggestion of daily affirmations with a smirk. How on earth can the simple repetition of words change my life? Especially words so simple...almost insipid...I should and do already know this - so why will it help me? I felt like that character Stuart Smalley from SNL (Al Franken) - and I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Yet...
Wait...
It works.
It really does work.
And everyday that I follow the daily affirmation - everyday that I repeat these simple words, this simple message over and over - I'm getting stronger. I'm happier and more relaxed. I can deal with the day to day better than before. I breathe more. I'm finding that voice inside of me again.
For me this is huge. For me, for so long, I lost that voice inside of me...that very, very wise voice. And each day it gets a little bit louder and I trust it a little bit more.
Though this particular affirmation means to expand into all aspects of ones' life - it can easily be focused down to eating well and eating right. Use it however you may need - find that voice inside of you and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Eat the right foods - avoid the ones that weigh you down both literally and figuratively.
As I have always told my son before a decision or a test or anything that brings with it "second thought" - Breathe, then answer. In other words, take in a deep breathe...hold...then release your worries, your stress with that exhale. What is left, if you truly let it go, is the truth for you at that moment. Go with it and know you have made the best choice for you at that moment with all that you have and all that you know.
My intention is to get back to that simple "knowing." No regrets - no questions - no internal struggle. Just peace of mind.
If I can find my internal peace - trust that you can, too. It's right there. Inside of you, where it has always been. It's just very quiet and very polite and just waiting for you to stop long enough to find your center.
Just breathe and listen.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The day after...
If anyone is following my blog - you'll know that I was finally going to meet with a counselor yesterday concerning my divorce. A quick background: I divorced my husband (it was final in 2008) after 25 years of marriage. The last 6 of them he was a raging alcoholic. While my marriage had years and years of great times, they were almost all eradicated by the last 6. If you have never lived with an alcoholic - please, count your blessings. For those of you who have - I know you understand a lot of what I went through in those years.
I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.
Well...no. I haven't.
He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.
He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.
I was done. I told him not to come back.
Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.
So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father.
So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad.
It's time to walk away.
And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.
Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.
I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.
Well...no. I haven't.
He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.
He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.
I was done. I told him not to come back.
Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.
So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father.
So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad.
It's time to walk away.
And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.
Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Learning to move forward - lose the anger, find the love
Let me start this out by saying I'm okay...frustrated, but okay. And in an odd way, I may have crossed a major issue in my weight loss journey - or actually, what causes me to have issues with weight loss.
A little background on me: I divorced in 2008 after being married for 24 years. I met my ex in 1981, married in 1984, moved to Alaska in 1989, had our son in 1994. My father-in-law died unexpectedly in 2000 then my mother passed in 2001 - almost a year later and right after 9/11. By the start of 2002 my son and I were living with a full fledge alcoholic. The next 5 years were hell. On my 23rd anniversary, I put my ex on a plane to Washington for his 4th attempt at recovery. I told him not to come back. By June 2007, my son and I packed our car and drove to Texas to start over. The plus side of all this - my ex has been sober since September 2006.
As any other single parent can tell you, the past few years have been difficult - but I wouldn't change the choice of divorce for anything. It was a difficult decision - but the right one. My son and I are fine.
My ex followed us to Texas, but was respectful enough to live 1.5 hours away. He is not in my face. There have been events good and bad - but all in all, we are friends. I loved him for over 25 years - I'm too damned old to be angry.
And that may be the problem. There are times I still am. There are things that he says or does that bring it all back up - the anger, the nightmares, the frustration - it all comes back.
I try. I do. I don't want to have these emotions come back. I want to move forward. I want to find someone else to love and be loved by. I know the only way to move forward is to forgive. I thought I had. I seriously worked hard to let it all go. It's not like it's the first "trauma" that I've experienced. I'm strong - I know I am. So for me to still get as angry as I do about his actions (or lack thereof) is almost baffling.
So...after months of my son asking me to get counseling - I'm doing it. I meet with a counselor tomorrow afternoon. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired.
And what does this have to do with my weight loss journey?
I'm an emotional eater. I have spent the past 17 years punishing myself with my weight. It's like I have an inner voice that says I don't deserve to be a healthy weight. It's like when I get angry at someone I love that I punish myself by destroying my weight. Always. Everytime I've experienced the anger, the frustration, the emotional crap - I eat.
Today I realized I didn't eat like that. And I didn't do it yesterday. Or last week. Or the week before that. (believe me - there has been cause)
This is huge.
I'm not sure I'm "cured" but I have a control that I've never had before. I'm not sure exactly why. It's not that I've lost weight, because that has never worked before. It's not because I'm communicating with my SP friends - or my son - because I also tend to hide or hermitize myself as I like to call it. So, no...that's not it.
I really don't know why.
But I'm glad.
Maybe...I'm really moving forward this time.
A little background on me: I divorced in 2008 after being married for 24 years. I met my ex in 1981, married in 1984, moved to Alaska in 1989, had our son in 1994. My father-in-law died unexpectedly in 2000 then my mother passed in 2001 - almost a year later and right after 9/11. By the start of 2002 my son and I were living with a full fledge alcoholic. The next 5 years were hell. On my 23rd anniversary, I put my ex on a plane to Washington for his 4th attempt at recovery. I told him not to come back. By June 2007, my son and I packed our car and drove to Texas to start over. The plus side of all this - my ex has been sober since September 2006.
As any other single parent can tell you, the past few years have been difficult - but I wouldn't change the choice of divorce for anything. It was a difficult decision - but the right one. My son and I are fine.
My ex followed us to Texas, but was respectful enough to live 1.5 hours away. He is not in my face. There have been events good and bad - but all in all, we are friends. I loved him for over 25 years - I'm too damned old to be angry.
And that may be the problem. There are times I still am. There are things that he says or does that bring it all back up - the anger, the nightmares, the frustration - it all comes back.
I try. I do. I don't want to have these emotions come back. I want to move forward. I want to find someone else to love and be loved by. I know the only way to move forward is to forgive. I thought I had. I seriously worked hard to let it all go. It's not like it's the first "trauma" that I've experienced. I'm strong - I know I am. So for me to still get as angry as I do about his actions (or lack thereof) is almost baffling.
So...after months of my son asking me to get counseling - I'm doing it. I meet with a counselor tomorrow afternoon. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired.
And what does this have to do with my weight loss journey?
I'm an emotional eater. I have spent the past 17 years punishing myself with my weight. It's like I have an inner voice that says I don't deserve to be a healthy weight. It's like when I get angry at someone I love that I punish myself by destroying my weight. Always. Everytime I've experienced the anger, the frustration, the emotional crap - I eat.
Today I realized I didn't eat like that. And I didn't do it yesterday. Or last week. Or the week before that. (believe me - there has been cause)
This is huge.
I'm not sure I'm "cured" but I have a control that I've never had before. I'm not sure exactly why. It's not that I've lost weight, because that has never worked before. It's not because I'm communicating with my SP friends - or my son - because I also tend to hide or hermitize myself as I like to call it. So, no...that's not it.
I really don't know why.
But I'm glad.
Maybe...I'm really moving forward this time.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
women vs men - today's assessment only
This is not going to endear me to anyone...especially most women out there. Tomorrow, I may feel differently and I won't doubt that change in emotional connection with my fellow human. But today I'm hurt. Today, I remember why I've alway kept myself removed from most groups.
I don't like women.
For the most part - women are bitchy and back stabbing.
Yes, yes, I know...they can also be kind, loving, generous, supportive and dependable.
But God forbid, cross one, or let her think she's been crossed and out come the claws.
Men are not like that - and that is why I have always surrounded myself with male friends. Even the gays one weren't nearly as backstabbing and bitchy as most of the women I've known.
This isn't the case with all women. Believe me, I'm not trying to make this black or white. There have been a few women who have stood by me - through thick and thin - dating, marriage, divorce, and single parenthood. These women I can count on one hand. Precisely two fingers.
We (women) expect other women to stay in our lives forever. Sisterhood and all that crap. So, when you have a falling out with your "sister" it's entirely devastating. You cry, you throw things and you swear you will never trust again. When I've had a falling out with a male friend...oh wait...I haven't had one. Sorry. My mistake. With men, they just gradually disappear from your life...like evolving into their next adventure. Sometimes the man is there, and sometimes he isn't. But the bridges are not burned. Heck, they don't even tend to realized they've drifted away.
Because it's different with men.
If you have a disagreement with a male friend - they don't tend to take it personally. It's a disagreement for god's sake - not a knife in the heart of your first born. But women?
No, we tend to get overly emotional whether we want to or not. It is personal. It's always personal. All women know that. Even when they say it's not - it always is.
I have never been hurt more by another human being as I have been hurt by a female friend. Funny...even after 23 years of marriage - the pain I felt during the end was only equal to the betrayal of trust I first experience from another woman.
So why is it there are women everywhere who SWEAR by their BFF's? What's with the sisterhood? Who are these women that take their friends up into their arms to love and protect?
I'm thrilled for all those women out there that have this very circle of females surrounding them. I'm happy they feel supported. I'm surprised they feel trust and a blind dependence - but if it works and serves them well, more power to them.
For me? I've tried. Repeatedly. I tried when I was a kid - I tried in high school (and actually found the two that are still in my life and my heart) - I tried in my 20's, my 30's, my 40's. Nothing. Nada. they were there when it served them...but when it stopped being good for both parties, they disappeared on me, never to resurface.
The men during these times? Sure they are also scarce...but I'm comforted in the fact that they didn't disappear because I no longer served a purpose. They just got caught up in their own worlds and slipped away. If I were to call, 90% would show up at my door tomorrow. Of the women from those same years? I'd venture that less than 40% would show.
Yes...this is a whiny bitch session for one. I don't expect anyone else to join in or agree with me. I'm only putting it out there because I've been hurt again. Not by a man...but by a group of women I called "friend." I didn't see it coming...as usual...because I trusted them.
I never expect to be coddled, or to have everyone always agree with me. But I also didn't expect to be shut down because of an assumption. I didn't expect them to gather together like a band of sharks at the first hint of blood in the water.
I certainly never expected to be as hurt as I am by their words and their assumptions.
And while several other woman have come out and declared their love and support - I accept it with a grain of salt - not because they have hurt me, but because I feel like a wounded animal who is afraid to trust again.
It's a man's world out there...and while it's driven into power by the women - it is managed by the men. There might be a reason for this...and while the thought of those reasons scare me - I can understand.
A man will lie to your face. A woman will lie behind your back.
At least you know where you stand with the man.
I don't like women.
For the most part - women are bitchy and back stabbing.
Yes, yes, I know...they can also be kind, loving, generous, supportive and dependable.
But God forbid, cross one, or let her think she's been crossed and out come the claws.
Men are not like that - and that is why I have always surrounded myself with male friends. Even the gays one weren't nearly as backstabbing and bitchy as most of the women I've known.
This isn't the case with all women. Believe me, I'm not trying to make this black or white. There have been a few women who have stood by me - through thick and thin - dating, marriage, divorce, and single parenthood. These women I can count on one hand. Precisely two fingers.
We (women) expect other women to stay in our lives forever. Sisterhood and all that crap. So, when you have a falling out with your "sister" it's entirely devastating. You cry, you throw things and you swear you will never trust again. When I've had a falling out with a male friend...oh wait...I haven't had one. Sorry. My mistake. With men, they just gradually disappear from your life...like evolving into their next adventure. Sometimes the man is there, and sometimes he isn't. But the bridges are not burned. Heck, they don't even tend to realized they've drifted away.
Because it's different with men.
If you have a disagreement with a male friend - they don't tend to take it personally. It's a disagreement for god's sake - not a knife in the heart of your first born. But women?
No, we tend to get overly emotional whether we want to or not. It is personal. It's always personal. All women know that. Even when they say it's not - it always is.
I have never been hurt more by another human being as I have been hurt by a female friend. Funny...even after 23 years of marriage - the pain I felt during the end was only equal to the betrayal of trust I first experience from another woman.
So why is it there are women everywhere who SWEAR by their BFF's? What's with the sisterhood? Who are these women that take their friends up into their arms to love and protect?
I'm thrilled for all those women out there that have this very circle of females surrounding them. I'm happy they feel supported. I'm surprised they feel trust and a blind dependence - but if it works and serves them well, more power to them.
For me? I've tried. Repeatedly. I tried when I was a kid - I tried in high school (and actually found the two that are still in my life and my heart) - I tried in my 20's, my 30's, my 40's. Nothing. Nada. they were there when it served them...but when it stopped being good for both parties, they disappeared on me, never to resurface.
The men during these times? Sure they are also scarce...but I'm comforted in the fact that they didn't disappear because I no longer served a purpose. They just got caught up in their own worlds and slipped away. If I were to call, 90% would show up at my door tomorrow. Of the women from those same years? I'd venture that less than 40% would show.
Yes...this is a whiny bitch session for one. I don't expect anyone else to join in or agree with me. I'm only putting it out there because I've been hurt again. Not by a man...but by a group of women I called "friend." I didn't see it coming...as usual...because I trusted them.
I never expect to be coddled, or to have everyone always agree with me. But I also didn't expect to be shut down because of an assumption. I didn't expect them to gather together like a band of sharks at the first hint of blood in the water.
I certainly never expected to be as hurt as I am by their words and their assumptions.
And while several other woman have come out and declared their love and support - I accept it with a grain of salt - not because they have hurt me, but because I feel like a wounded animal who is afraid to trust again.
It's a man's world out there...and while it's driven into power by the women - it is managed by the men. There might be a reason for this...and while the thought of those reasons scare me - I can understand.
A man will lie to your face. A woman will lie behind your back.
At least you know where you stand with the man.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
frustration
Sometimes, you just have to get it out.
Sometimes, you can't tell those who are annoying you to stop, or to see your side of it. Sometimes, if you do then it only makes things worse.
This is one of those times.
I have a vacation planned for December 17 - January 2. Yes...that is a tad bit more than 2 weeks away from work. I need it. I can work on average 60 hours a week. Sometimes I have worked over a month straight...and yes that includes Saturdays and Sundays. Now before you get all excited about overtime, etc - understand that I am salary. I don't get overtime.
I just work.
Rarely, do I take time off. I can't. My job just will not allow for it. I am at the whim of the Government.
I write proposals. So...when the Government (specifically the military) decides they have a job to be performed on a base somewhere around the world (specifically Operations/Maintenance/Support/Housekeeping/etc) then the company I work for will bid for that job. It's how we keep afloat. It's what allows me to actually HAVE a job. So...I write proposals.
When I started, there were about six of us in my department. This was 3 years ago. Now there are 2. And we do it all.
It is the most stressful job I have ever had in my life.
It is also the highest paying job I've ever had.
As a single mom, this is vital. I need to live. I need to support myself and my son. I need, I need, I need.
And so I work. Constantly.
My last vacation was in 2008. Prior to that, it was when I quit my job in Alaska and drove to Texas. I was off work for 3 weeks.
This is my first REAL time off in years. And I need. Desperately. I feel as if my ability to hold it together is slipping...and I know I need a break. If I don't get away, I will snap. It's inevitable.
But...here's the issue. We just had 3 major solicitations hit. All are due within 7 days of each other between January 7 & the 14. One is HUGE.
And now they are threatening to pull my vacation.
Did I mention I'm in Texas? Yeah. They can do that in Texas. There is no State law governing vacations. If Texas had it's way, no one would ever take a vacation. If I push for my time off, they can fire me. And even though it is not to their advantage to do so...they would probably play that card.
So here I am.
Frustrated.
I already will be - at the very least - working on my vacation. Though, finding the time will be interesting as it is a major roadtrip. I will be driving 70% of the time.
And also...it's one of the last (and possibly the last) vacation I take with my son before he leaves for college in 2012. I can try for another...but financially, that isn't always an option.
So - this is the big one.
And it may not happen.
And there is really nothing I can do about it.
Sometimes...Life just sucks no matter how hard you try to make it all alright and find time for yourself and your family.
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't a single mom.
Sometimes, I just wish....
Sometimes, you can't tell those who are annoying you to stop, or to see your side of it. Sometimes, if you do then it only makes things worse.
This is one of those times.
I have a vacation planned for December 17 - January 2. Yes...that is a tad bit more than 2 weeks away from work. I need it. I can work on average 60 hours a week. Sometimes I have worked over a month straight...and yes that includes Saturdays and Sundays. Now before you get all excited about overtime, etc - understand that I am salary. I don't get overtime.
I just work.
Rarely, do I take time off. I can't. My job just will not allow for it. I am at the whim of the Government.
I write proposals. So...when the Government (specifically the military) decides they have a job to be performed on a base somewhere around the world (specifically Operations/Maintenance/Support/Housekeeping/etc) then the company I work for will bid for that job. It's how we keep afloat. It's what allows me to actually HAVE a job. So...I write proposals.
When I started, there were about six of us in my department. This was 3 years ago. Now there are 2. And we do it all.
It is the most stressful job I have ever had in my life.
It is also the highest paying job I've ever had.
As a single mom, this is vital. I need to live. I need to support myself and my son. I need, I need, I need.
And so I work. Constantly.
My last vacation was in 2008. Prior to that, it was when I quit my job in Alaska and drove to Texas. I was off work for 3 weeks.
This is my first REAL time off in years. And I need. Desperately. I feel as if my ability to hold it together is slipping...and I know I need a break. If I don't get away, I will snap. It's inevitable.
But...here's the issue. We just had 3 major solicitations hit. All are due within 7 days of each other between January 7 & the 14. One is HUGE.
And now they are threatening to pull my vacation.
Did I mention I'm in Texas? Yeah. They can do that in Texas. There is no State law governing vacations. If Texas had it's way, no one would ever take a vacation. If I push for my time off, they can fire me. And even though it is not to their advantage to do so...they would probably play that card.
So here I am.
Frustrated.
I already will be - at the very least - working on my vacation. Though, finding the time will be interesting as it is a major roadtrip. I will be driving 70% of the time.
And also...it's one of the last (and possibly the last) vacation I take with my son before he leaves for college in 2012. I can try for another...but financially, that isn't always an option.
So - this is the big one.
And it may not happen.
And there is really nothing I can do about it.
Sometimes...Life just sucks no matter how hard you try to make it all alright and find time for yourself and your family.
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't a single mom.
Sometimes, I just wish....
Thursday, December 2, 2010
you and me against the world...
I don't know when it became the two of us. Though...if I think about it, it's been since the very beginning of time.
I remember finding out I was pregnant with Sean. It was a lifetime ago...and I was so scared.
We'd been trying forever to have a baby. When I first discovered I was pregnant...the first time...I was over the moon with joy. My world was complete. I did what every expectant parent is not supposed to do - I told EVERYONE. We were going to have a baby. We were going to be a family.
Wrong. I lost the baby Christmas day, 1992. I had been pregnant less than 8 weeks. But I already had a baby ornament for the tree. I still have that ornament...and once a year, I look at it and think about the baby I lost - my first baby - and I mourn what never will be.
So...when Sean came along the following May, I was scared. More scared than I thought was humanly possible. I didn't believe the pregnancy tests. I made the doctor do a blood test - then prove to me why it was correct. My first ultrasound? The same thing. I made her explain everything she saw in the ultrasound that proved I was indeed pregnant and the little peanut shape she was showing me was...indeed...my baby.
Sean was peanut before he was Sean.
As I got comfortable in my pregnancy, the fear started to subside. After three months, we finally told everyone... cautiously. I still wasn't sure. But as time moved forward, I got less scared.
Until November. Pre-Eclampsia. And I was down on bedrest from my birthday until Sean was delivered January 29, 1994. Between were almost daily visits by nurses, technicians, and the weekly hospital visit. They had me terrified that if I moved wrong, I would lose my baby. Even the delivery severely threatened both our lives.
But we survived. And I became more protective in life than I ever was during the womb days.
Was this the beginning of Sean and I? Well, probably. But I tried to be three. I really did. And for a while it worked.
I can't blame Mike. He tried as best as any new dad could. But Sean was as close to me as I was to him. He was always in my arms, or around my legs, or nestled up beside me. We were almost as inseparable as we were when I was pregnant. Even trips taken outside to visit family - it was just Sean and I traveling. I don't remember Mike ever joining us on a vacation.
So when it came out that Mike was an alcoholic and we started to fight that horrible demon, Mike retreated into a shell of tequila and gin bottles, while Sean and I gathered together as one.
It was natural.
And it's how we got to where we are today.
Just the two of us. Who have been through everything together: illnesses, broken bones, emergency room visits, learning to read, learning to ride a bike, death of grandparents, the hell of alcoholism, divorce, and growing into a man.
No matter who has been around - no matter what our family situations - no matter what state we've lived in - it's always been the two of us, hand in hand.
Unconditional love at it's finest.
And the truth is...I need to learn to let go.
My peanut is not mine to hold onto forever. He is mine to love...but he belongs to himself. He is the best of unconditional love, but as is true with the finest of loves...they are not meant to last forever.
In a very short year and a half - he will move onto the next chapter in his life...and I will need to move on too.
I love you Peanut.
I remember finding out I was pregnant with Sean. It was a lifetime ago...and I was so scared.
We'd been trying forever to have a baby. When I first discovered I was pregnant...the first time...I was over the moon with joy. My world was complete. I did what every expectant parent is not supposed to do - I told EVERYONE. We were going to have a baby. We were going to be a family.
Wrong. I lost the baby Christmas day, 1992. I had been pregnant less than 8 weeks. But I already had a baby ornament for the tree. I still have that ornament...and once a year, I look at it and think about the baby I lost - my first baby - and I mourn what never will be.
So...when Sean came along the following May, I was scared. More scared than I thought was humanly possible. I didn't believe the pregnancy tests. I made the doctor do a blood test - then prove to me why it was correct. My first ultrasound? The same thing. I made her explain everything she saw in the ultrasound that proved I was indeed pregnant and the little peanut shape she was showing me was...indeed...my baby.
Sean was peanut before he was Sean.
As I got comfortable in my pregnancy, the fear started to subside. After three months, we finally told everyone... cautiously. I still wasn't sure. But as time moved forward, I got less scared.
Until November. Pre-Eclampsia. And I was down on bedrest from my birthday until Sean was delivered January 29, 1994. Between were almost daily visits by nurses, technicians, and the weekly hospital visit. They had me terrified that if I moved wrong, I would lose my baby. Even the delivery severely threatened both our lives.
But we survived. And I became more protective in life than I ever was during the womb days.
Was this the beginning of Sean and I? Well, probably. But I tried to be three. I really did. And for a while it worked.
I can't blame Mike. He tried as best as any new dad could. But Sean was as close to me as I was to him. He was always in my arms, or around my legs, or nestled up beside me. We were almost as inseparable as we were when I was pregnant. Even trips taken outside to visit family - it was just Sean and I traveling. I don't remember Mike ever joining us on a vacation.
So when it came out that Mike was an alcoholic and we started to fight that horrible demon, Mike retreated into a shell of tequila and gin bottles, while Sean and I gathered together as one.
It was natural.
And it's how we got to where we are today.
Just the two of us. Who have been through everything together: illnesses, broken bones, emergency room visits, learning to read, learning to ride a bike, death of grandparents, the hell of alcoholism, divorce, and growing into a man.
No matter who has been around - no matter what our family situations - no matter what state we've lived in - it's always been the two of us, hand in hand.
Unconditional love at it's finest.
And the truth is...I need to learn to let go.
My peanut is not mine to hold onto forever. He is mine to love...but he belongs to himself. He is the best of unconditional love, but as is true with the finest of loves...they are not meant to last forever.
In a very short year and a half - he will move onto the next chapter in his life...and I will need to move on too.
I love you Peanut.
You and me against the world
It feels like you and me against the world
And for all the times we've cried
I've always felt that God was on our side
And when one of us is gone
And one is left alone to carry on
Then remembering will have to do
Memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you
You and me against the world
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
They say it's your birthday...
Woo!
I have a birthday and oddly enough, it's today. Just like it was last year and the year before that...and so it goes back, back, into the dark ages of time. Back to a world that exists only in black and white pictures and broken Super 8 film, sticking and burning in an ancient Kodak projector.
Where I am today is never a place I thought about back in the world I use to live in...that world of Ed Sullivan and Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom, of "Sing Along with Mitch Miller" and Elvis Presley albums, of climbing the old apricot tree in the back yard and digging to China in my mother's garden and playing in the old paneled wagon with Jeff and Bryan pretending we were soldiers trying to avoid capture by the Nazi's during the days of the Vietnam War.
What have I seen in my lifetime? What has happened in the past 50 years...now that I'm 51 and what has shaped the person I've become?
And am I any different that that girl with the long blonde pigtails? Is there a difference between that tomboy of 1968 and the single mom of 2010?
In my lifetime I've lived through the toddler years of Rock & Roll, survived Disco, Punk and Grunge and have questioned the reasoning behind Rap. All in all - it's been a wondrous life of music, though my son swears I was lucky enough to live through the best decades EVER when it comes to Rock. My stories of concerts during the '70's can easily elicit a glazed over expression of envy the likes I never even considered.
I've lived through 4 or 5 wars (assuming one counts Grenada?) with Vietnam still etched into my memory as a horrible vision shown nightly on TV. My prayers always included a line asking God to end the war in Vietnam. Even after it had finally ended, I repeated the line nightly for years because my prayers had simply become a habit. My feelings toward war have not changed in the last 50 years. I have studied all the wars, the history behind them, the strategies, the outcomes, the battles, the bullshit - and I still have the same opinion that I've always had. War is simply two men (always a man) who have issues with each other - usually involving one having something the other wants. They then gather all the people under them and force these people to "go get it" from the other guy. Sometimes, the people have to be told it is in their best interest, that the other guys are evil and will kill us all if we don't stop them. War is stupid. People die for reasons that are usually ridiculous. Families are destroyed because of the will of someone who doesn't care. Even today - (and yes, I understand what has happened in the US in the last 20 years) - we have simply traded the fear/threat of Communism for the fear/treat of Al Qaeda. It's always steeped in truth, but it has grown to ridiculous proportions by being fed through ignorance and fear.
Nope. War has not changed in my lifetime. It has only, like music, evolved.
What else has happened in the last 50 years? Politics? Nope - different people - same Bull Shit.
Society? You would think with all the opportunities to educate ourselves, more people would take advantage of knowledge. But no. That really hasn't changed either. The people who will grow and be valuable to our world will take the initiative and learn. The ones who are lazy and expect the world to cater to them, will sit on their asses and wait for a hand out. It's no different today than it was 50 years ago...though sometimes, in my darker times, I think there are more lazy ass people looking for their piece of assumed heaven. But really? No, I think it's the same just dressed a little differently.
So what has changed?
Nothing.
We are still people. We are still human. We love. We hate. We are afraid of things we don't understand. We find pleasure in the simple things around us. We are hungry. We are rich. We want only what is basic to survive. We want it all. We are no different than we were at the start of 1960. Our society on a whole has changed and evolved with the ebbs of the tide.
I want to be better than that. I want to have grown. But, even as an individual - I know how difficult change can be. I want things to be different, but I didn't do whatever was necessary in my past to make things different. I still wish I was sitting in Bob's car cruising State College, or hanging out at Bill's cool apartment on Lemon Street, or trading shots from a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the Fort at Pioneer Park.
I want to do more dancing in LA with Mark. I want to go see "Animal House" one more time at the Orange Drive-in. I want to see another concert at the Golden Bear in Huntington Beach.
I want to be happy and loved in 2011, but I still want to relive 1979 over and over again.
How can I expect the world to change around me for the better - how can I expect people to grow and evolve in this society - when I'm not willing to let go of my past?
What do I want as I move into my 52nd year on this earth?
What I've always wanted. I want Peace. I want Love. I want Happiness.
But most importantly - I want to make this world a better place for my son so that when he is 50, he can look back and see the change I never saw.
I have a birthday and oddly enough, it's today. Just like it was last year and the year before that...and so it goes back, back, into the dark ages of time. Back to a world that exists only in black and white pictures and broken Super 8 film, sticking and burning in an ancient Kodak projector.
Where I am today is never a place I thought about back in the world I use to live in...that world of Ed Sullivan and Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom, of "Sing Along with Mitch Miller" and Elvis Presley albums, of climbing the old apricot tree in the back yard and digging to China in my mother's garden and playing in the old paneled wagon with Jeff and Bryan pretending we were soldiers trying to avoid capture by the Nazi's during the days of the Vietnam War.
What have I seen in my lifetime? What has happened in the past 50 years...now that I'm 51 and what has shaped the person I've become?
And am I any different that that girl with the long blonde pigtails? Is there a difference between that tomboy of 1968 and the single mom of 2010?
In my lifetime I've lived through the toddler years of Rock & Roll, survived Disco, Punk and Grunge and have questioned the reasoning behind Rap. All in all - it's been a wondrous life of music, though my son swears I was lucky enough to live through the best decades EVER when it comes to Rock. My stories of concerts during the '70's can easily elicit a glazed over expression of envy the likes I never even considered.
I've lived through 4 or 5 wars (assuming one counts Grenada?) with Vietnam still etched into my memory as a horrible vision shown nightly on TV. My prayers always included a line asking God to end the war in Vietnam. Even after it had finally ended, I repeated the line nightly for years because my prayers had simply become a habit. My feelings toward war have not changed in the last 50 years. I have studied all the wars, the history behind them, the strategies, the outcomes, the battles, the bullshit - and I still have the same opinion that I've always had. War is simply two men (always a man) who have issues with each other - usually involving one having something the other wants. They then gather all the people under them and force these people to "go get it" from the other guy. Sometimes, the people have to be told it is in their best interest, that the other guys are evil and will kill us all if we don't stop them. War is stupid. People die for reasons that are usually ridiculous. Families are destroyed because of the will of someone who doesn't care. Even today - (and yes, I understand what has happened in the US in the last 20 years) - we have simply traded the fear/threat of Communism for the fear/treat of Al Qaeda. It's always steeped in truth, but it has grown to ridiculous proportions by being fed through ignorance and fear.
Nope. War has not changed in my lifetime. It has only, like music, evolved.
What else has happened in the last 50 years? Politics? Nope - different people - same Bull Shit.
Society? You would think with all the opportunities to educate ourselves, more people would take advantage of knowledge. But no. That really hasn't changed either. The people who will grow and be valuable to our world will take the initiative and learn. The ones who are lazy and expect the world to cater to them, will sit on their asses and wait for a hand out. It's no different today than it was 50 years ago...though sometimes, in my darker times, I think there are more lazy ass people looking for their piece of assumed heaven. But really? No, I think it's the same just dressed a little differently.
So what has changed?
Nothing.
We are still people. We are still human. We love. We hate. We are afraid of things we don't understand. We find pleasure in the simple things around us. We are hungry. We are rich. We want only what is basic to survive. We want it all. We are no different than we were at the start of 1960. Our society on a whole has changed and evolved with the ebbs of the tide.
I want to be better than that. I want to have grown. But, even as an individual - I know how difficult change can be. I want things to be different, but I didn't do whatever was necessary in my past to make things different. I still wish I was sitting in Bob's car cruising State College, or hanging out at Bill's cool apartment on Lemon Street, or trading shots from a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the Fort at Pioneer Park.
I want to do more dancing in LA with Mark. I want to go see "Animal House" one more time at the Orange Drive-in. I want to see another concert at the Golden Bear in Huntington Beach.
I want to be happy and loved in 2011, but I still want to relive 1979 over and over again.
How can I expect the world to change around me for the better - how can I expect people to grow and evolve in this society - when I'm not willing to let go of my past?
What do I want as I move into my 52nd year on this earth?
What I've always wanted. I want Peace. I want Love. I want Happiness.
But most importantly - I want to make this world a better place for my son so that when he is 50, he can look back and see the change I never saw.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
What do you want from life?
So far, I've given up on the autographed picture of Randy Mantooth, the herd of Winnebago's and the baby's arm holding an apple - but what I haven't given up on is that idea of having it all in whatever reasonable fashion I can manage having it.
You never really do know what is out there until you step into the pile of shit while rounding that blind corner. Sometimes, while you're leaning against the wall scrapping off your shoe, the most surprising things tap you on the shoulder.
Mine was simply a phone call asking me what I wanted for dinner. When I said surprise me, he said okay and intends to do just that. I don't get the company, but I do get the food. More importantly - I was thought about. And for a moment - someone unexpectedly cared about me and felt compelled to surprise me with a little gesture.
These are truly the gestures that get me through my days - they are also the gestures that remind me that I still have desires and dreams. I'm not ready to give up and become the cat lady.
The Tubes reminded me that no one really knows what they want - and when they have it, they're not really sure they want to keep it. We are always searching - always wondering - and always, always wanting more.
You never really do know what is out there until you step into the pile of shit while rounding that blind corner. Sometimes, while you're leaning against the wall scrapping off your shoe, the most surprising things tap you on the shoulder.
Mine was simply a phone call asking me what I wanted for dinner. When I said surprise me, he said okay and intends to do just that. I don't get the company, but I do get the food. More importantly - I was thought about. And for a moment - someone unexpectedly cared about me and felt compelled to surprise me with a little gesture.
These are truly the gestures that get me through my days - they are also the gestures that remind me that I still have desires and dreams. I'm not ready to give up and become the cat lady.
The Tubes reminded me that no one really knows what they want - and when they have it, they're not really sure they want to keep it. We are always searching - always wondering - and always, always wanting more.
"What do you want from life
Someone to love
and somebody that you can trust
What do you want from life
To try and be happy
while you do the nasty things you must"
Is this truly it?
Is this what we're all striving to reach - to find - to cling to in our dreams, in our beds, on our daily commutes to our sheep like existence?
I think it's pretty damned close.
My 2 minute surprise phone call showed me it's not that far from the truth.
I want to be loved, I want to love back, I want to be happy and I want someone to stand by me as I creep through the muck, claw my way through the jungles, and deadman float through the garbage-strewn moat surrounding my King's castle.
And while I never expect him to tell me he loves me - I know that he does...in the way most of us love another after climbing out of the hole of love affairs gone bad. We're scared, we're weary, we're covered in crud...but we still want someone to love and trust. We want to try and be happy.
And we desperately want someone - just as battle savvy - to stand beside us in love and in life.
In a weird way I have that as a woman too afraid to cross a line to reach a man who is too afraid to need another person. So together we'll be there for one another - never sharing the identical secret we continue to keep from the other.
In the meantime - I'll enjoy dinner and know that someone who truly does love me is watching out for me from afar...the only way he knows how.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
slow down...the corner is coming too fast...
So what's wrong with me?
My son says I've changed. That's new. I've never had my son tell me that.
My ex did. I've had friends tell me that. Even family. But my son?
nope. That's a new one.
So what's different?
My life is changing around me and I have no control over it. That's nothing new - but the circumstances are changing.
My son is growing up. Hell, he's already grown up through no fault of his. Life threw him a curve ball early on and he hit it out of the park.
But is that a good thing?
I will never know, because it is what it is and I can't change the past.
So I'm trying to control the future - and it's not mine to control.
I love him. I'm proud of him. I trust him to make the right decisions and choices and twists and turns that come with life. I'm just not prepared to let him go. Actually, I'm not prepared to let go period.
Why?
Because I have nothing to grab onto.
In my past, I've had three things...
1. What will I be when I grow up?
2. My husband
3. My son
I'm grown up, divorced and the mother of a high school junior. I'm done. I spent 25 years holding onto and guiding my husband and I will have spent 18+ years doing the same for my son.
I understand that now it's my time. Terri time.
But I don't know what that means. I can't see the paths. I don't know what's around the corner.
And unlike that girl of 19 - this time I'm scared.
My son says I've changed. That's new. I've never had my son tell me that.
My ex did. I've had friends tell me that. Even family. But my son?
nope. That's a new one.
So what's different?
My life is changing around me and I have no control over it. That's nothing new - but the circumstances are changing.
My son is growing up. Hell, he's already grown up through no fault of his. Life threw him a curve ball early on and he hit it out of the park.
But is that a good thing?
I will never know, because it is what it is and I can't change the past.
So I'm trying to control the future - and it's not mine to control.
I love him. I'm proud of him. I trust him to make the right decisions and choices and twists and turns that come with life. I'm just not prepared to let him go. Actually, I'm not prepared to let go period.
Why?
Because I have nothing to grab onto.
In my past, I've had three things...
1. What will I be when I grow up?
2. My husband
3. My son
I'm grown up, divorced and the mother of a high school junior. I'm done. I spent 25 years holding onto and guiding my husband and I will have spent 18+ years doing the same for my son.
I understand that now it's my time. Terri time.
But I don't know what that means. I can't see the paths. I don't know what's around the corner.
And unlike that girl of 19 - this time I'm scared.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
You've come a long way baby...
I'm tired.
Anyone who knows me has got to believe that's my mantra.
I work more than I should and I never accomplish enough. Sometimes I feel so exhausted that I just sit and stare at shit piling up on counters and tables and wonder where the hell my maid is.
Then I remember I am the maid.
And the mom.
And the business associate.
And the chauffeur, the tutor, the dad, the chef - the everything.
Why is that? Because I deemed my life better as a divorced, single mom.
During times like this, it takes a lot to remember just how bad it truly was. I spent years sad and lonely and scared...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I never knew what I was coming home to or what my son was being subjected to. I was miserable. My son was scared. I hated coming home. I hated that I hated it. I got to the point where I just wanted my husband out of my life. I hated his alcoholism and I hated him.
I don't hate.
It's not who I am. I'm an annoying peacenik - someone who truly believes that love can conquer all. But I was done trying to rescue a man who didn't want to be saved. I wanted freedom.
And damn if I didn't get it.
I'm free now. Free to live with skyrocketing debt. Free to work 60 hour weeks. Free to have 1100 sq ft of clutter. Free to want to pass out while defrosting a frozen meal. Free to do whatever I damn well please...if only I was awake to do it.
Is it better?
Yes. It is. But sometimes I'm too tired to see it.
I want so badly to have someone to share parenting with, to share finances with, to share my bed with. I want someone there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't care if it really is - I just want someone to lovingly lie to me that my debt, my exhaustion and my messy house are okay.
I want a partner in life.
I want to be loved.
I walked away from that so I could have a better life. Am I being selfish to want both? Am I too old to want both?
God, I'm tired.
Anyone who knows me has got to believe that's my mantra.
I work more than I should and I never accomplish enough. Sometimes I feel so exhausted that I just sit and stare at shit piling up on counters and tables and wonder where the hell my maid is.
Then I remember I am the maid.
And the mom.
And the business associate.
And the chauffeur, the tutor, the dad, the chef - the everything.
Why is that? Because I deemed my life better as a divorced, single mom.
During times like this, it takes a lot to remember just how bad it truly was. I spent years sad and lonely and scared...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I never knew what I was coming home to or what my son was being subjected to. I was miserable. My son was scared. I hated coming home. I hated that I hated it. I got to the point where I just wanted my husband out of my life. I hated his alcoholism and I hated him.
I don't hate.
It's not who I am. I'm an annoying peacenik - someone who truly believes that love can conquer all. But I was done trying to rescue a man who didn't want to be saved. I wanted freedom.
And damn if I didn't get it.
I'm free now. Free to live with skyrocketing debt. Free to work 60 hour weeks. Free to have 1100 sq ft of clutter. Free to want to pass out while defrosting a frozen meal. Free to do whatever I damn well please...if only I was awake to do it.
Is it better?
Yes. It is. But sometimes I'm too tired to see it.
I want so badly to have someone to share parenting with, to share finances with, to share my bed with. I want someone there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't care if it really is - I just want someone to lovingly lie to me that my debt, my exhaustion and my messy house are okay.
I want a partner in life.
I want to be loved.
I walked away from that so I could have a better life. Am I being selfish to want both? Am I too old to want both?
God, I'm tired.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
brick by brick - the facade begins
Sometimes the reason people feel so alone is because the person they want to hold them up doesn't.
It doesn't matter how many friends they may have, or how many of the people around them say, "if you need anything - just let me know."
People like me don't just reach out. We don't just "let you know." Not because we don't want to - but because it's been driven into our tiny little brains that to do so could be an inconvenience to those we reach out to.
Or...when we've reached out, we've received obvious advice that we really didn't need.
Telling us the mistakes we've made to get to where we are is unnecessary. Usually, we know where we've fucked up. It's pretty obvious to us. We tend to feel extremely stupid for allowing ourselves to make the very mistake you feel a need to point out to us.
So - we don't reach out. Because we don't want to be beaten over the head by our own stupidity.
Some people think we need to hear it to move forward.
We don't.
I don't at least.
What I need is quiet support.
Someone to tell me it will all be okay. Someone to hold me and to prop me up. Someone to stand behind me as I face the coming day.
I need someone who will protect me. Someone who will not be condescending to me when I ask for advice. I'm perfectly able to tick off every mistake I've ever made - every misstep that has led me down all the wrong paths. What I need is help climbing out of the hole.
I need love.
And I'm no different from everyone else out there that feels lost on a daily basis.
The hardest thing I'm finding is to grow older and having that support system change around you. I'm not alone in that I gather very few trusted people around me. I'm not alone in feeling that I would impede on another's life by asking them to join my little circle.
People like me - need people like you to step up and come to me. I need you to make the effort to show me you truly care. I need you to fight for me and not simply think I'm strong enough to do it for myself.
To simply offer up a comment of "just let me know" implies you're too busy to take the time necessary to reach through my walls and touch my heart. I'm not going to "let you know" because it will take too long for me to explain why I need you.
Whereas you believe I have that time - have that strength - the simple truth is that I don't.
I'm afraid.
And fear is a grand motivator for living inside of walls.
It doesn't matter how many friends they may have, or how many of the people around them say, "if you need anything - just let me know."
People like me don't just reach out. We don't just "let you know." Not because we don't want to - but because it's been driven into our tiny little brains that to do so could be an inconvenience to those we reach out to.
Or...when we've reached out, we've received obvious advice that we really didn't need.
Telling us the mistakes we've made to get to where we are is unnecessary. Usually, we know where we've fucked up. It's pretty obvious to us. We tend to feel extremely stupid for allowing ourselves to make the very mistake you feel a need to point out to us.
So - we don't reach out. Because we don't want to be beaten over the head by our own stupidity.
Some people think we need to hear it to move forward.
We don't.
I don't at least.
What I need is quiet support.
Someone to tell me it will all be okay. Someone to hold me and to prop me up. Someone to stand behind me as I face the coming day.
I need someone who will protect me. Someone who will not be condescending to me when I ask for advice. I'm perfectly able to tick off every mistake I've ever made - every misstep that has led me down all the wrong paths. What I need is help climbing out of the hole.
I need love.
And I'm no different from everyone else out there that feels lost on a daily basis.
The hardest thing I'm finding is to grow older and having that support system change around you. I'm not alone in that I gather very few trusted people around me. I'm not alone in feeling that I would impede on another's life by asking them to join my little circle.
People like me - need people like you to step up and come to me. I need you to make the effort to show me you truly care. I need you to fight for me and not simply think I'm strong enough to do it for myself.
To simply offer up a comment of "just let me know" implies you're too busy to take the time necessary to reach through my walls and touch my heart. I'm not going to "let you know" because it will take too long for me to explain why I need you.
Whereas you believe I have that time - have that strength - the simple truth is that I don't.
I'm afraid.
And fear is a grand motivator for living inside of walls.
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