Thursday, October 21, 2010

You've come a long way baby...

I'm tired.

Anyone who knows me has got to believe that's my mantra.

I work more than I should and I never accomplish enough.  Sometimes I feel so exhausted that I just sit and stare at shit piling up on counters and tables and wonder where the hell my maid is.

Then I remember I am the maid.

And the mom.

And the business associate.

And the chauffeur, the tutor, the dad, the chef - the everything.

Why is that?  Because I deemed my life better as a divorced, single mom.

During times like this, it takes a lot to remember just how bad it truly was.  I spent years sad and lonely and scared...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I never knew what I was coming home to or what my son was being subjected to. I was miserable. My son was scared. I hated coming home. I hated that I hated it. I got to the point where I just wanted my husband out of my life. I hated his alcoholism and I hated him.

I don't hate.

It's not who I am.  I'm an annoying peacenik - someone who truly believes that love can conquer all.  But I was done trying to rescue a man who didn't want to be saved.  I wanted freedom.

And damn if I didn't get it.

I'm free now. Free to live with skyrocketing debt. Free to work 60 hour weeks. Free to have 1100 sq ft of clutter. Free to want to pass out while defrosting a frozen meal. Free to do whatever I damn well please...if only I was awake to do it.

Is it better?

Yes. It is.  But sometimes I'm too tired to see it.

I want so badly to have someone to share parenting with, to share finances with, to share my bed with.  I want someone there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't care if it really is - I just want someone to lovingly lie to me that my debt, my exhaustion and my messy house are okay.

I want a partner in life.

I want to be loved.

I walked away from that so I could have a better life.  Am I being selfish to want both?  Am I too old to want both?

God, I'm tired.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

brick by brick - the facade begins

Sometimes the reason people feel so alone is because the person they want to hold them up doesn't.

It doesn't matter how many friends they may have, or how many of the people around them say, "if you need anything - just let me know."

People like me don't just reach out.  We don't just "let you know."  Not because we don't want to - but because it's been driven into our tiny little brains that to do so could be an inconvenience to those we reach out to.

Or...when we've reached out, we've received obvious advice that we really didn't need.

Telling us the mistakes we've made to get to where we are is unnecessary.  Usually, we know where we've fucked up.  It's pretty obvious to us.  We tend to feel extremely stupid for allowing ourselves to make the very mistake you feel a need to point out to us.

So - we don't reach out.  Because we don't want to be beaten over the head by our own stupidity.

Some people think we need to hear it to move forward.

We don't.

I don't at least.

What I need is quiet support.

Someone to tell me it will all be okay.  Someone to hold me and to prop me up.  Someone to stand behind me as I face the coming day.

I need someone who will protect me.  Someone who will not be condescending to me when I ask for advice.  I'm perfectly able to tick off every mistake I've ever made - every misstep that has led me down all the wrong paths. What I need is help climbing out of the hole.

I need love.

And I'm no different from everyone else out there that feels lost on a daily basis.

The hardest thing I'm finding is to grow older and having that support system change around you. I'm not alone in that I gather very few trusted people around me.  I'm not alone in feeling that I would impede on another's life by asking them to join my little circle.

People like me - need people like you to step up and come to me. I need you to make the effort to show me you truly care.  I need you to fight for me and not simply think I'm strong enough to do it for myself.

To simply offer up a comment of "just let me know" implies you're too busy to take the time necessary to reach through my walls and touch my heart.  I'm not going to "let you know" because it will take too long for me to explain why I need you.

Whereas you believe I have that time - have that strength - the simple truth is that I don't.

I'm afraid.

And fear is a grand motivator for living inside of walls.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Imagine all the people - living life in peace...

So what's wrong with us?

As a society on a whole?

Why do we perpetuate hatred and allow it to continue day in and day out?

Seriously. Have we learned nothing in my lifetime?

I have been around this earth for 50 years.  During that time I have lived through historical acts of fear, ignorance and unspeakable acts of hatred aimed at people who have done nothing other than to try and live in this world.

And why is this?  So many people have stepped forward to say this behavior is wrong - that it will not be tolerated - that it must change.  Yet, it doesn't change. It is tolerated. And there are just as many people who are willing to turn a blind eye to it everyday.

What is wrong with us?

Why do people allow hatred to continue?

Worse yet - why are there still people out there that push for its very existence?

Don't tell me I'm wrong.  I know they are out there.  I've dealt with them.  I've seen how they raise their kids.  I've heard their rhetoric of ignorance thrown back at the peacekeepers - as if the venom, if yelled louder, will become the right and destroy those who quietly strive for peace.

True - this is the way our world has existed for 1,000's of years - and on a much grander scale.  But that doesn't make it okay.  It doesn't give credence to a parent's right to instill hatred in their child.

Dear God, it's not a Constitutional Right to maintain stupidity and support your child's ability to heap hatred upon another child!

What is wrong with basic tolerance?

What is wrong with basic human respect?

What is wrong with simply being polite to one another?

Everything you do affects another. Period. We should be aware of our actions and not suppose, or even superimpose them upon another without recognizing that they are doing the exact same thing with their actions. We can be annoyed at another or ignorant of another - but the reality is - the actions will affect someone.

Politeness and kindness are easy. But only if the person choses to exhibit that behavior. Rudeness is a choice. Ignorance is a choice. It doesn't reside in a certain class or income of people. It exists because that person choses to be selfish and ignorant of others. 

I've learned that I can't change certain attitudes for the betterment of society. Which leads into a socialogical thought of whose ideals are right and whose are wrong. Is that even realistic? I don't think so. 

I do not believe that it is my duty or even my right to "change" someone by trying to force them to comply with my behavior. What I do believe is that - given the overall ideal of kindness toward one's fellow human being - it is our responsibility as a collective group to bring about awareness of all. It IS our responsibility to other humans to tolerate their differences - and to allow them the basic human right of survival in a horribly, difficult world.

Why the hell is this so damned difficult?  Can't we get any farther than this in the art of kindness toward one another?  This isn't an issue of how we have changed, it's an issue of not changing at all. 

Pay it forward.  Pay it backward. Just pay attention to those around you.  Being polite, being kind, being tolerant, isn't giving in.  It's acknowledging that others have a right to exist.  

And before you say any differently - remember YOU have that right to exist.  And you don't make the rules.  We are all in this together.  We don't have to like each other, but we do need to coexist. 

We need to stop the vicious cycle of bullying. We need to stop the vicious cycle of accepted hatred. We need to stop being willfully ignorant of the suffering our turning a blind eye can cause another human being.

We have to realize these are children - the very people we have brought into this world as our legacy to society.

Aren't we supposed to hope for a better life for our children? For our Grandchildren? For Society on a whole?

Doesn't that better world start at home?