Saturday, July 23, 2011

Melancholy - contemplation on life today...

I tend toward the extremes in life sometimes.  I'm either up or I'm down.  The inbetween is most likely a melancholy.

That's today.

I saw it coming.  In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now.  And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.

There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage.  The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times.  It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.

I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye.  Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times.  Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back.  I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it.  It's subconscious on my part.

But today I went through 3 boxes.  And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's.  I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001.  Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us.  And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years.  But the '80's...they were some good, good times.

With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.

I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide.

And this has always saddened me.  The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.

Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving.  People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate.

The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving.

This is what I need to remember and focus on.

The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories.  And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly.  I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together.

I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones.  I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.

I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.

Imagine all the people
living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one

Saturday, July 9, 2011

To stop judging & comparing and just be with what is

I can't begin to tell you how wonderful and smooth my thinking process is becoming between the 17DD, and these affirmations. Yesterday was my 2nd 16 hour day this week - and I found myself - though stressed because of deadlines - in control. I WAS IN CONTROL! That's huge. I wasn't scattered, or flustered, or scared and I had foods in my bag to maintain myself through the day. I was prepared. And then I came home and did a 48 minute walk. 

Here's to today and our continued success! 

Our mind used to automatically make comments on everything that happened. It was always judging, commenting, criticizing, approving, deciding whether something was right or wrong, good or bad, too big or too small, too this or too that. I was so busy comparing what was to what I thought it should be or wanted it to be that I did not have time to enjoy the moment. 

Today I am learning to stop judging 
and comparing so that I can be with what is. 
I am learning to accept what is without the struggle 
of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong. 


Today - go out and enjoy all your moments! Accept them as they are and stop putting judgments on them. That is my plan today. Enjoy the simplicities of life - whatever they are and whatever comes my way. Today will simply be - today. 

I can think of no better way to face life. 

I have worried and stressed and fretted about things not being what I thought they should be - or even worse - not be what I thought others would want them to be. Not only did I have my own preconceived notions about events and such in my head, but I also had preconceived ideas about what was in the heads of other. Try living up to that! 

No wonder I was an emotional mess for so long. 

No wonder I'm fat. 

I couldn't live up to my expectations or to those I self-imposed and reflected back onto my self. What a confusing and constantly questioning way of life. 

Well I'm done. 

It is time to release all the continual second-guessing I've done throughout most of my life. There was a time - long ago - when a friend and I developed a "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" kind of attitude. It wasn't as harsh or as uncaring as it sounds - it was simply allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to please the entire world. We were 19? 20? when we came up with that - and suddenly I felt on top of the world. I managed to have an awesome job with an awesome company - I enjoyed life and all my friends - I met my husband during this time - life was great. Sure there were bad things happening in my life, but they were suddenly manageable and didn't cripple me into submission. 

Somewhere along the line I lost that attitude. I "grew up" and became "responsible" whatever that means. I suddenly found myself trying to fit into molds...and I couldn't get off the merry-go-round of frustration. Suddenly I was back to second-guessing every move I made because I thought I had to so as to be seen as responsible. 

Here I am. 51 years old. And all those years of trying to live in the molds of others has left me frustrated and fat. 

Until this past May when I sucked it up and started to remember who I am. I allowed myself to release the pain - release the frustration - release the attempts at trying to make everyone happy except for myself. I released the chains of what I supposed was life and allowed myself to actually live life. 

And you know what? 

I'm happier. I'm healthier. I'm almost 20 pounds lighter. 

Oddly enough - I'm more balanced and therefore more able to maintain my life and my responsibilities. I am becoming the responsible adult without the suffocating restraints I thought that title imposed. 

I am finally growing up into myself. And it's only taken me a little more than 25 years to find myself back to the path I discovered when I first entered into adulthood. 

I am learning to accept what is without the struggle of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong. 

I am finding peace.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Trusting your instincts - the voice of reason and truth

"Seek always the answer from within. Be not influenced by those around you, by their thoughts or by their words." ~ Eileen Caddy 

When faced with a decision as to which way to go today, I will pause and take the time that I need to feel it through. I no longer have to look to other people for approval. I can seek advice and then make my own decisions. I can take quiet time and go with my intuition. I can let my body tell me what is right for me. 


Today I trust my instincts. Today I trust that I will know at the right time the right answer. Today I have the faith to know that God guides me in my choices. 

The above is from "Time for Joy" a book of daily affirmations. In the past, I have usually met the suggestion of daily affirmations with a smirk. How on earth can the simple repetition of words change my life? Especially words so simple...almost insipid...I should and do already know this - so why will it help me? I felt like that character Stuart Smalley from SNL (Al Franken) - and I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. 



It works. 

It really does work. 

And everyday that I follow the daily affirmation - everyday that I repeat these simple words, this simple message over and over - I'm getting stronger. I'm happier and more relaxed. I can deal with the day to day better than before. I breathe more. I'm finding that voice inside of me again. 

For me this is huge. For me, for so long, I lost that voice inside of me...that very, very wise voice. And each day it gets a little bit louder and I trust it a little bit more. 

Though this particular affirmation means to expand into all aspects of ones' life - it can easily be focused down to eating well and eating right. Use it however you may need - find that voice inside of you and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Eat the right foods - avoid the ones that weigh you down both literally and figuratively. 

As I have always told my son before a decision or a test or anything that brings with it "second thought" - Breathe, then answer. In other words, take in a deep breathe...hold...then release your worries, your stress with that exhale. What is left, if you truly let it go, is the truth for you at that moment. Go with it and know you have made the best choice for you at that moment with all that you have and all that you know. 

My intention is to get back to that simple "knowing." No regrets - no questions - no internal struggle. Just peace of mind. 

If I can find my internal peace - trust that you can, too. It's right there. Inside of you, where it has always been. It's just very quiet and very polite and just waiting for you to stop long enough to find your center. 

Just breathe and listen.