Biopsy's are scary things.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.