tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44327836206415600302024-03-05T11:22:31.015-06:00rantings, ramblings & rediscoveryTerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-83323378017642629032011-12-22T09:11:00.000-06:002011-12-22T09:11:44.649-06:00Who am I?How existential of me to ask that. And really, if I were philosophizing on my true meaning - my true reason for existence - then I think it would take up an entire book and not a blog entry.<br />
<br />
No, the question is much simpler than that.<br />
<br />
One of the ways I know to make money when I depart for my "epic journey of lateness" and explore the US in a motorhome (est.2015) is to write. Yay! Writing. <br />
<br />
Easy enough.<br />
<br />
But how do you make money at it? I don't mean $25 here and there, I mean $1000/month. Or more. Well, I understand I need to establish myself as a writer in a freelance world. I need to have stories and an angle and a friend in the publishing business. <br />
<br />
Crap.<br />
<br />
I actually need to work at this.<br />
<br />
So where to start? What do I know? Always write about what you know. Easy.<br />
<br />
But what do I know? Really know?<br />
<br />
And that's where the problem seems to exist for me.<br />
<br />
Here's what I know...REALLY know:<br />
How to persevere<br />
How to raise a child<br />
How to be a single mom<br />
How to live (or not live) with someone who has a terrible addiction<br />
How to juggle life - not always successfully<br />
I know what it's like to be withdrawn, what it's like to hide. I know what it's like to pretend you are someone else.<br />
I know the experience of acting - from a chorus role to the lead in a musical - and everything behind the scenes.<br />
How to have a successful marriage<br />
How to have a successful and angst-free divorce<br />
How to be honest<br />
<br />
But beyond that - I'm not an expert in anything. I have my passions, but I don't consider myself to be an expert in any field. I can tell stories and have a sardonic wit. I can see the humor in just about everything. I am the first to laugh at myself. And I find myself a little afraid of everything around me. <br />
<br />
Insecurity is a bitch. If I were to look at myself on paper, without knowing it was me, I would be mightily impress with the strength of that woman. But knowing it's me - I just know that I did what every other person in this world does - I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes through mud or windstorms, or blizzards, or floods. Sometimes through the most beautiful of sunny days.<br />
<br />
I am no different than anyone else.<br />
<br />
Except I have a way to find my voice and the voice of others. I have the talent to put that voice out there and allow my experiences to be heard. <br />
<br />
Is that voice publishable? <br />
<br />
Is there anything I can say that hasn't already been said? That someone wants to hear?<br />
<br />
I have no idea. <br />
<br />
And I don't think I will really ever know the answer to that unless I start to write from the heart. Not a blog - but something more marketable. An article. An opinion column. Something to sell to a small paper or two or twenty or more. <br />
<br />
Maybe a weekly piece would be enough to carry me forward as a writer and as a way to finance my adventure through space. Maybe those stories on the road will become a future book (yes! even with pictures!), or at the very least, a small voice heard by a few souls who still read.<br />
<br />
I understand that today is the day I need to figure it all out. I can't wait until I'm on the road to test the waters. The time is now...<br />
<br />
The first step is always the most frightening. From my experience, the next few steps after that aren't so easy either...Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-14302264625799720042011-11-23T16:46:00.000-06:002011-11-23T16:46:39.508-06:00My First Thanksgiving Turkey! (reprinted here for your pleasure!)<div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Back in the dark ages of my youth...I was about 20 and had my first "real" job. Well, they gave us a gift certificate at Thanksgiving time "for a turkey." It was really a $25 gift certificate to Safeway - but I thought I had to buy a turkey with it...so I did. It was 1980 and I bought a $25 turkey. </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I was single at the time. </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Didn't dawn on me to give it to a family...no I was going to cook my first turkey for me and my friend! Yeppers! </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">So there we are in this tiny apartment kitchen opening this turkey...okay, I remembered my mom sticking her hands in the turkey and taking stuff out...so I did.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">GROSS! I thought everything would be in a bag or something - I have no idea why. Then I didn't know what to do with the stuff I took out, so we put it in a dish then stuck it in the fridge. </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Step two. Stuff the turkey. </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Okay. This should be simple enough. We opened the box of Stovetop stuffing and poured it into the turkey cavity. Do you know how much Stovetop stuffing fits in the cavity of a $25 turkey? Lots!!! So we kept filling the cavity until it was full. YAY! Now let's cook the turkey!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
It took forever. We thought we were suppose to baste the turkey with it's own juices...but there really wasn't any juice coming out, so we didn't. Somewhere...I probably should have called my mom...but no. I was 20 and living on my own. Why call mom????</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
Sometime around Christmas I think the turkey finally popped it's little red timer thingy...and so it was done.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Yum! We couldn't wait! </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Did you know you're suppose to let the turkey sit before you slice into it? I didn't. So we fired up the electric knife and butchered the hell out of that turkey. Oops! Forgot to remove the stuffing...I guess we'll just serve it from the turkey...YEA!!! Turkey and Stuffing!!!! WOOHOO!!! Let's eat!!!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Have you ever had cottonmouth? </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Have you ever shoved like an entire pack of crackers into your mouth and tried to chew them and swallow? Have you ever had all your bodies' moisture sucked right out of you?</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
Yeah. we did. Remember when I said we poured the Stovetop stuffing into the turkey's cavity? Did you know you're supposed to first mix the stuffing with water? </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">We didn't. </span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Wonder where all that turkey juice went that we were supposed to baste the turkey with? Yep. into the cavity. The wads of dried breading was sucking the literal life juice out of the turkey.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
So there we were...CRAVING turkey and dressing with a frickin' huge turkey as dry as the sahara desert surrounded by piles of semi-moist turkey-fied breadcrumbs.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I didn't prepare another Thanksgiving meal until I was in my 40's...</span></div>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-53554698024298619432011-11-18T10:50:00.000-06:002011-11-18T10:50:58.113-06:00Interesting insight into a friend and weight loss...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">A male friend of mine took me to dinner last night to celebrate my birthday. Anyone who has followed my blogs, etc, may recognize "said friend" as the man I was infatuated with for the past 4 years. He started dating a woman last February and I met her for the first time about 6 weeks ago. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Obviously, the conversation drifted toward her and their relationship. (warning...I may get a tad snippy in this blog!) </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">She had gastric bypass surgery about 3 years ago and has lost over 120 pounds. She has also had a tummy tuck and a boob job. Duh. At least my eyes could tell it was obvious. Now don't misunderstand me - I have six friends who have gone the gastric bypass route (not lapband) and one who had the cosmetic surgery. I understand. However, I also know that you can lose weight the old fashioned way - through hardwork, dietary changes and exercise. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Here's the best part of doing it the old-fashioned way...you can still eat food. I don't mean pick at it, or avoid certain things - I mean you can flipping eat food. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I proved that last night. I have lost 40 pounds this year. Last night I had no difficulty having a petite filet, broccoli, and a blue cheese/pecan salad with a sangria to wash it all down. Will I eat like that again today? No. And that's okay. But I can eat it. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">His girlfriend cannot. But she's "skinny" and has perky boobs. Yeah for her. I would love to be skinny and perky again. But I'm 52. Perky is not part of my body image anymore. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And that's okay too. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Last night, my friend told me how wonderful I was looking. How had I lost the weight? What was I doing differently? He complimented me on my hair and even thought it was time I bought a new wardrobe to reflect the changes I've made. Instead, I told him I was moving forward with my life and planning a way to travel the country in a RV - my 5 year plan. I was ready to live for me...FINALLY. He seemed surprised that I was willing to venture out - cut my roots and live by "chance." </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">He thought I should live a more stable life. I should date and maybe even settle down. Find a nice man who appreciates the eclectic person I am. Like he does - but one that isn't involved with another woman. WHAT? </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">The worst part was his confession that he would not have dated his current girlfriend 3 years ago before her weightloss, yet today he is considering it as a long-term relationship. She's the same person she was 3 years ago except with a ton of surgery. How shallow is that? </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Starts to make sense why he and I never dated. That saddens me. Not because we didn't date - but because of the idea that he didn't date me because of my weight. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I'm sure I was a tad catty when he mentioned she "had" to have the surgery for health reasons. No she didn't. She lost a ton of weight and was saggy. That doesn't affect your physical health. It affects your vanity. It's okay to admit vanity - but call it what it is. Don't say it was for health issues. The weight loss was for health issues...not the boob job. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">The funniest part was when I found out how old she is. My friend is 47, and I'm 52. He can never remember how old I am because I don't look like I'm 52. I look younger. I act younger. Call it good genes - but the fact remains...today I don't look 50. I'm thankful for that. But when I met her last month I was sure she was older than me. I based that on her skin, wrinkles, attitude, the way she carried herself, oh, and the fact that she has a grown and married son. Nope. She's 43. SERIOUSLY??? When he told me that I physically choked on my drink. How embarrassing. I couldn't even hide my shock. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Last night, he didn't seem to understand my surprise. He tried to write it off and say it was because she's had some difficult years (Really? Difficult? I can compare lives and I bet I can match her difficulty for difficulty and then some.) Well he emailed me today and here is his direct quote: "It *was* interesting after your comment about XXX's age, to see you and her standing next to each other. Not sure if it’s genes, or life, or that red-heads don’t age as well. But yes- just take it as a compliment that you DO look a LOT younger than XXX. Oh well." </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I've got 30 - 40 more pounds to lose. I will manage that in the coming year. When I'm done, I'll be saggy. But I will have done it on my own - no invasive surgery. I will be able to eat Creme Brulee if I want without throwing up. I can go to a party and not pick at my food. I will have learned what creates a proper diet and will be able to maintain a healthy outlook on food and how to eat. I will be able to move and workout. I will know the importance of a healthy life - and not bypass the efforts because I was in the medical field and had someone offer a quick fix. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And when my friend is comfortably ensconced in a relationship built upon her vanity and his shallowness - I will be long gone, thankful my guardian angels were keeping my heart protected when all I wanted was to be loved. What I wanted he couldn't give me. Last night, it all came together so clearly. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 12px;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And all because I have lost weight. </span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0Austin, TX 78745, USA30.2153869 -97.79601179999997430.142830399999998 -97.865821299999979 30.2879434 -97.726202299999969tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-66363403347231546112011-11-09T14:25:00.000-06:002011-11-09T14:25:22.455-06:00The sigh of reliefBiopsy's are scary things.<br />
<br />
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.<br />
<br />
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor. <br />
<br />
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.<br />
<br />
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did. <br />
<br />
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?<br />
<br />
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.<br />
<br />
I still want to see Europe.<br />
<br />
I still want to visit all 50 states.<br />
<br />
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.<br />
<br />
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.<br />
<br />
I cried.<br />
<br />
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it. <br />
<br />
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands. <br />
<br />
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.<br />
<br />
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells. <br />
<br />
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.<br />
<br />
I have survived to fight another day. <br />
<br />
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-78891325755535509092011-10-28T20:35:00.000-05:002011-10-28T20:35:17.170-05:00What do I want to do with my life?In ten months, I will join the ranks of empty nesters. As a single mom, it means something a little different for me when compared to couples or parents of multiple children.<br />
<br />
Currently, in my world, there are two of us. We travel as a pair. We laugh until we cry at things only the two of us may find funny. We know each other better than a lot of couples. But, in 10 months, we will split as we have always meant to. Off he will go to become the man he is meant to be. <br />
<br />
And I will start my own new adventure.<br />
<br />
This one is for me. Not for my parents. Not for my family. Not for my fiance/husband. Not for my son. Me. This time it is all about me.<br />
<br />
What the hell do I do?<br />
<br />
How many other people have experienced this? <br />
<br />
Hundreds of thousands I expect.<br />
<br />
I've promised my son I would "get a life" and not wallow in missing him...or become the hermit I'm so good at. So I've been searching my brain for what I really have always wanted to do - and then figure out how to do it.<br />
<br />
The answer came to me when I stumbled onto a auction show. Someone was trying to auction of their old AirStream trailer. It was from the 1970's and he wanted $10,000 for it. AirStreams are cool. Very cool. <br />
<br />
I want one.<br />
<br />
Wait a minute.<br />
<br />
I really do want one. <br />
<br />
How cool would it be to travel around the US? Go anywhere you want whenever you want? Drive your own home. <br />
<br />
Right. People with huge retirements do that. Couples. People with more money than reasonable do that.<br />
<br />
And then I thought to look into it. <br />
<br />
The average full-time RV-er spends approximately $25,000 a year...some more, some less. And you can join groups. There are companies that will hire you seasonally - they will actually hire work-campers. <br />
<br />
Okay...that would help. But I'm also a writer. It's what I do and what I'm good at. So...why can't I find a job that allows me to telecommute from the road? Seriously? Why not? It's 2011 - the age of technology and instant communication. With a cell phone, a computer and wifi (or hell, an aircard) I could be in immediate contact with anyone.<br />
<br />
I could also write travel columns. Or blogs. I'm pretty damned good with a camera too - so I would be able to submit pictures to go with the articles.<br />
<br />
Dear God I could freelance.<br />
<br />
I wonder...is it really possible? How long would it take to establish myself and guarantee and income of $20 - $30K a year in a combination of freelancing and working various jobs around the nation? I couldn't expect much more than minimum to $10/hour ... but that would at least cover gas & food. <br />
<br />
I would have to downsize. Severely. But I live in an apartment right now ... and have started to go through the remaining boxes in my garage. I'm already getting rid of stuff. So why not just get rid of more? Why not just keep stuff in storage? I don't have that much anyway. Very little furniture that I'm attached to. Like 5 pieces and my bed. They rest can go away. My art is a different story. I'm actually attached to 6 pieces and I'm not sure they would fit in an RV.<br />
<br />
Then there's the idea of an RV. The little research I've done tells me I need a class C no bigger than 27 feet. I'll be able to tow my car behind it. I like my car and it would be the perfect vehicle for travel.<br />
<br />
So all I need to do is figure out how to afford an RV and finance my life on the road.<br />
<br />
I can have a life.<br />
<br />
I will become Terri the Nomad.<br />
<br />
I may actually manage it by the time I'm 55. That's 2015.<br />
<br />
This may really be doable.<br />
<br />
And that makes me happy.Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0Austin, TX, USA30.267153 -97.74306079999996730.058051 -97.928042299999973 30.476255000000002 -97.55807929999996tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-11952055405612175342011-10-13T18:43:00.000-05:002011-10-13T18:43:41.927-05:00day: I re-commit myself to me<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I've been lost.<br /><br />Some of you may have noticed, but I'm assuming the vast majority have not. Nor should anyone. Because I'm me and not you. Our focus should be on ourselves.<br /><br />We - at least the females among us - tend to focus on everyone else other than ourselves and in doing so, forget the most important person in our lives.<br /><br />I've done it the same as the rest of the women in this world.<br /><br />I will always find a way to focus on others before myself. But I will make the effort to take care of me first.<br /><br />And that is what I'm doing today.<br /><br />Taking care of me.<br /><br />This past May, I jumped into the 17 day diet with both feet and I managed to lose 30 pounds. This is incredible. This is amazing.<br /><br />Then...as I've always done in the past...I started to inch my way into self-sabotage. I made excuses and found ways to cheat albeit in very small ways. The whole time I knew what I was doing. At least I was completely aware.<br /><br />And I reached out. I cried out. Everytime I felt myself starting to hide away from the world, I'd yank myself up and throw myself out there publicly. Well...at least I threw myself out there into SparkPeople world.<br /><br />Thankfully some people reached back. Even though many were struggling with their own weight loss demons - people found a moment in their day to recognize me. I love you for that. I needed you and there were those who ... at the very least ... acknowledged my presence and predicament.<br /><br />I knew I needed to get back on track. I knew the weight would creep back up if I didn't. Thankfully, I've gained less than 5 pounds back. This past weekend was like a free-for-all with Mexican food. In the past six weeks, I've "allowed" myself to reintroduce sugar back into my system. And alcohol. And though I've maintained an awareness of each addition...I caught myself starting to let it go.<br /><br />I do that. I am the best damned pity-party thrower out there sometimes. I don't know why, but I will destroy my best intentions with feelings of being unworthy.<br /><br />I know...I know...I am worthy. 99% of me knows that and will tell you that. I am strong and intelligent and accomplished. But there is that teeny tiny voice inside of me that says I'm lying. It tells me that I've been faking it all these years and someone will call my bluff. It tries to convince me that there is no substance behind the facade that is me.<br /><br />Why that voice is easier to listen to doesn't make sense to me. But it is. It's like comfort food. It's like a warm, soft blanket on a blustery Autumn day. It's the crackling of a fireplace and the caress of a lover.<br /><br />And it is trying to destroy me from the inside.<br /><br />Not today.<br /><br />Today I am pushing it back down - but only after I confront it head-on. I know it will always be there - but by acknowledging it and recognizing it is part of me - I will be able to keep it in check.<br /><br />Today I am back to complete my goal for 2011. To reach that goal - a total of 40 pounds lost in 2011 - I have only 13 pounds to go. I can do it. It is completely possible. Not "if" but "when."<br /><br />And in doing so - will be able to reach MY healthy weight in 2012.</span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0Austin, TX, USA30.267153 -97.743060830.047727000000002 -98.058917799999989 30.486579 -97.4272038tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-81262031746640711142011-09-30T18:17:00.000-05:002011-09-30T18:17:43.726-05:00ch-ch-ch-changes<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Fine.<br />
<br />
I fess up.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was a surprising mix of emotions...oddly enough I never really cried. True, my eyes "leaked" as I finally laid down to sleep...but it wasn't an overwhelming sadness...more like the closing of a chapter that I had closed a long time ago only to recognize it today.<br />
<br />
I met "her." I did not like "her." I don't get why on earth she would be the "chosen one" over me. But she is and if that is truly the case, I never stood a chance in Hell with this man. I walked away realizing that I was the better woman.<br />
<br />
For me to see that is huge.<br />
<br />
For as insecure and afraid as I can be, I recognized yesterday that it is not who I outwardly portray. And why is that? Because I really am strong. I really am confident. I really am in control.<br />
<br />
And I'm a hell of a lot of fun to be with.<br />
<br />
Someone is out there that "gets" me and then I will be "her" for him.<br />
<br />
So, yesterday, I walked away. Not from my friendship, but from my anchor.<br />
<br />
Today, I am floating to the top...<br />
<br />
As if to bolster that change, an opening appeared in a group's meetup that I've been interested in. The meeting is tonight and I'm actually going.<br />
<br />
Now, for a lot of people, this isn't a big deal. But for me - the person who prefers to simply hide in my home - this is a huge step toward finding me again.<br />
<br />
The meeting is only women (something I have avoided most of my life) and spiritual (not weighted down by Christianity - more overwhelming and all-accepting spirituality) something I've been drawn to for my entire life, but something I've always shied away from because of my Christian roots.<br />
<br />
But the pull this time is very strong. Who am I to deny this at this stage in my life?<br />
<br />
The changes are necessary for me to grow.<br />
<br />
I've got the diet right (my huge splurge last night was very European! Bleu Cheese and wine!) and I'm starting to let go of dead weight (sorry John). I've spent the past 5 years trying to find my footing so I can move forward - and maybe, today, the time is now.<br />
<br />
So - 30 pounds lighter and emotionally single, I step into the light of the universe and try to discover this mysterious world of women and earthly spiritualism. (sounds Wicca...no...that's not where this is going...at least not yet...)<br />
<br />
I will let everyone know how tonight's Water Elemental goes (that's the lesson for this evening) and I will keep ya'll posted on my attempts at coming out of my shell and stepping into the big and beautiful world surrounding us all.<br />
<br />
"I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence..." </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE3zR-mLJQxVYXFBj6eSvb70NJSQgSRbalaqdQmgf0yHeueNiPqI6A4EwREeuVnTNWC6CscIK1XkwvOx2d9oZWj-QHMmJ2ZDtxbSbUOJTyDIYyu5zhzi4UwMBJD2iuf7_DNJqJxZTg8w/s1600/Cool_green_water.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE3zR-mLJQxVYXFBj6eSvb70NJSQgSRbalaqdQmgf0yHeueNiPqI6A4EwREeuVnTNWC6CscIK1XkwvOx2d9oZWj-QHMmJ2ZDtxbSbUOJTyDIYyu5zhzi4UwMBJD2iuf7_DNJqJxZTg8w/s320/Cool_green_water.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
</span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-15975317969341792032011-08-23T17:26:00.000-05:002011-08-23T17:26:47.792-05:00Why yes. Someone DID die and make me the grammar police.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Okay - I'm a snob about grammar.<br />
<br />
I'll admit it.<br />
<br />
I understand the English language is difficult - but it's not THAT hard. I swear, you just need to care to write and speak correctly.<br />
<br />
I am not privileged. Neither of my parents ever finished high school, yet my mom was one of the most educated people I've ever known. She taught me that grammar was important. She grew up on a farm in Kansas and was married in 1935. She was poor. Heck WE were poor. But no one ever really knew - because my mom was adamant that proper grammar and spelling would make a difference.<br />
<br />
And it did.<br />
<br />
And it does.<br />
<br />
There is an article on CNN.com by Leslie Ayres today that focuses on this very issue. Here are some wonderful excerpts:<br />
<br />
"Bad grammar and spelling make a bad impression. Don't let yourself lose an opportunity over a simple spelling or grammar mistake."<br />
<br />
Loose / Lose<br />
<br />
These spellings really don't make much sense, so you just have to remember them. "Loose" is the opposite of tight, and rhymes with goose. "Lose" is the opposite of win, and rhymes with booze. (To show how unpredictable English is, compare another pair of words, "choose" and "chose," which are spelled the same except the initial sound, but pronounced differently. No wonder so many people get it wrong!)<br />
<br />
Loose = it's not tight, it's loosey goosey<br />
Lose= "don't lose the hose for the rose" is a way to remember the same spelling but a different pronunciation<br />
I never thought I could lose so much weight; now my pants are all loose!<br />
<br />
A lot / Alot / Allot<br />
<br />
First the bad news: there is no such word as "alot." "A lot" refers to quantity, and "allot" means to distribute or parcel out.<br />
<br />
There is a lot of confusion about this one, so I'm going to allot ten minutes to review these rules of grammar.<br />
<br />
Between you and I<br />
<br />
This one is widely misused, even by TV news anchors who should know better.<br />
<br />
In English, we use a different pronoun depending on whether it's the subject or the object of the sentence: I/me, she/her, he/him, they/them. This becomes second nature for us and we rarely make mistakes with the glaring exception of when we have to choose between "you and I" or "you and me."<br />
<br />
...suffice to say that "between you and I" is never correct, and although it is becoming more common, it's kind of like saying "him did a great job." It is glaringly incorrect.<br />
<br />
The easy rule of thumb is to replace the "you and I" or "you and me" with either "we" or "us" and you'll quickly see which form is right. If "us" works, then use "you and me" and if "we" works, then use "you and I."<br />
<br />
Master these common errors and you'll remove some of the mistakes and red flags that make you look like you have no idea how to speak."<br />
<br />
My mom was a closet writer - and instilled a love for language and words. Because of her passion toward language, proper spelling and grammar, I managed to get my degree in English and work as a writer for the past 30 years.<br />
<br />
I'll step off my soap box now...maybe though...we can become a nation of people who are capable of speaking and writing our own language?? </span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-32246076995068417582011-07-23T14:54:00.000-05:002011-07-23T14:54:32.739-05:00Melancholy - contemplation on life today...I tend toward the extremes in life sometimes. I'm either up or I'm down. The inbetween is most likely a melancholy.<br />
<br />
That's today. <br />
<br />
I saw it coming. In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now. And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.<br />
<br />
There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage. The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times. It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.<br />
<br />
I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye. Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times. Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back. I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it. It's subconscious on my part.<br />
<br />
But today I went through 3 boxes. And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's. I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001. Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us. And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years. But the '80's...they were some good, good times.<br />
<br />
With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.<br />
<br />
I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide. <br />
<br />
And this has always saddened me. The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.<br />
<br />
Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving. People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate. <br />
<br />
The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving. <br />
<br />
This is what I need to remember and focus on.<br />
<br />
The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories. And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly. I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together. <br />
<br />
I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones. I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.<br />
<br />
I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.<br />
<br />
Imagine all the people<br />
living life in peace<br />
you may say i'm a dreamer<br />
but i'm not the only one<br />
<em>26</em>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-60099762583245465182011-07-09T09:58:00.000-05:002011-07-09T09:58:48.940-05:00To stop judging & comparing and just be with what is<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I can't begin to tell you how wonderful and smooth my thinking process is becoming between the 17DD, FatLoser.com and these affirmations. Yesterday was my 2nd 16 hour day this week - and I found myself - though stressed because of deadlines - in control. I WAS IN CONTROL! That's huge. I wasn't scattered, or flustered, or scared and I had foods in my bag to maintain myself through the day. I was prepared. And then I came home and did a 48 minute walk.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Here's to today and our continued success!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">*****</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Our mind used to automatically make comments on everything that happened. It was always judging, commenting, criticizing, approving, deciding whether something was right or wrong, good or bad, too big or too small, too this or too that. I was so busy comparing what was to what I thought it should be or wanted it to be that I did not have time to enjoy the moment.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Today I am learning to stop judging</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">and comparing so that I can be with what is.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I am learning to accept what is without the struggle</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">*****</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Today - go out and enjoy all your moments! Accept them as they are and stop putting judgments on them. That is my plan today. Enjoy the simplicities of life - whatever they are and whatever comes my way. Today will simply be - today.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I can think of no better way to face life.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I have worried and stressed and fretted about things not being what I thought they should be - or even worse - not be what I thought others would want them to be. Not only did I have my own preconceived notions about events and such in my head, but I also had preconceived ideas about what was in the heads of other. Try living up to that!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">No wonder I was an emotional mess for so long.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">No wonder I'm fat.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I couldn't live up to my expectations or to those I self-imposed and reflected back onto my self. What a confusing and constantly questioning way of life.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Well I'm done.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">It is time to release all the continual second-guessing I've done throughout most of my life. There was a time - long ago - when a friend and I developed a "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" kind of attitude. It wasn't as harsh or as uncaring as it sounds - it was simply allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to please the entire world. We were 19? 20? when we came up with that - and suddenly I felt on top of the world. I managed to have an awesome job with an awesome company - I enjoyed life and all my friends - I met my husband during this time - life was great. Sure there were bad things happening in my life, but they were suddenly manageable and didn't cripple me into submission.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Somewhere along the line I lost that attitude. I "grew up" and became "responsible" whatever that means. I suddenly found myself trying to fit into molds...and I couldn't get off the merry-go-round of frustration. Suddenly I was back to second-guessing every move I made because I thought I had to so as to be seen as responsible.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Here I am. 51 years old. And all those years of trying to live in the molds of others has left me frustrated and fat.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Until this past May when I sucked it up and started to remember who I am. I allowed myself to release the pain - release the frustration - release the attempts at trying to make everyone happy except for myself. I released the chains of what I supposed was life and allowed myself to actually live life.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">And you know what?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I'm happier. I'm healthier. I'm almost 20 pounds lighter.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Oddly enough - I'm more balanced and therefore more able to maintain my life and my responsibilities. I am becoming the responsible adult without the suffocating restraints I thought that title imposed.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I am finally growing up into myself. And it's only taken me a little more than 25 years to find myself back to the path I discovered when I first entered into adulthood.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I am learning to accept what is without the struggle of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I am finding peace.</span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-37097050777271929902011-07-01T11:51:00.000-05:002011-07-01T11:51:37.563-05:00Trusting your instincts - the voice of reason and truth<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy; font-size: 15px;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; position: relative; width: 500px; z-index: 99;"><b style="background-color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">"Seek always the answer from within. Be not influenced by those around you, by their thoughts or by their words." ~ Eileen Caddy <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />When faced with a decision as to which way to go today, I will pause and take the time that I need to feel it through. I no longer have to look to other people for approval. I can seek advice and then make my own decisions. I can take quiet time and go with my intuition. I can let my body tell me what is right for me. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />*****</span></b></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><b style="background-color: white;">Today I trust my instincts. </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><b style="background-color: white;">Today I trust that I will know at the right time the right answer. </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><b style="background-color: white;">Today I have the faith to know that God guides me in my choices. </b></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy; font-size: 15px;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; position: relative; width: 500px; z-index: 99;"><b style="background-color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">***** </span></b><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />The above is from "Time for Joy" a book of daily affirmations. In the past, I have usually met the suggestion of daily affirmations with a smirk. How on earth can the simple repetition of words change my life? Especially words so simple...almost insipid...I should and do already know this - so why will it help me? I felt like that character Stuart Smalley from SNL (Al Franken) - and I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />Yet... <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />Wait... <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />It works. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />It really does work. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />And everyday that I follow the daily affirmation - everyday that I repeat these simple words, this simple message over and over - I'm getting stronger. I'm happier and more relaxed. I can deal with the day to day better than before. I breathe more. I'm finding that voice inside of me again. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />For me this is huge. For me, for so long, I lost that voice inside of me...that very, very wise voice. And each day it gets a little bit louder and I trust it a little bit more. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />Though this particular affirmation means to expand into all aspects of ones' life - it can easily be focused down to eating well and eating right. Use it however you may need - find that voice inside of you and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Eat the right foods - avoid the ones that weigh you down both literally and figuratively. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />As I have always told my son before a decision or a test or anything that brings with it "second thought" - Breathe, then answer. In other words, take in a deep breathe...hold...then release your worries, your stress with that exhale. What is left, if you truly let it go, is the truth for you at that moment. Go with it and know you have made the best choice for you at that moment with all that you have and all that you know. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />My intention is to get back to that simple "knowing." No regrets - no questions - no internal struggle. Just peace of mind. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />If I can find my internal peace - trust that you can, too. It's right there. Inside of you, where it has always been. It's just very quiet and very polite and just waiting for you to stop long enough to find your center. <br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: 'comic sans ms', fantasy !important; line-height: 12px;" />Just breathe and listen. </div><div><br />
</div></div>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-58476957518640771212011-06-28T18:11:00.000-05:002011-06-28T18:11:34.152-05:00Thankful to those who motivate me...thankful for today<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">On Sunday, I was named June's most motivational member for the 17 day diet team at SparkPeople.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I'm truly honored and humbled by this gift.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I don't think I do anything exceptional - or anything I don't like having done for myself.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">It's important to me to have daily motivation - I need to have that daily pep talk to keep me on the right path. And sometimes, no matter how much "pep" I'm giving - no matter how many people tell me I'm doing fine and on the right path - I just can't seem to move forward. In the past, I've fallen by the wayside and no one has seemed to notice me lying there. No one comes over to pick me up and dust me off.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">So I lay there feeling sorry for myself. I roll over and eat whatever I can find. I wallow in the mud and cry in my beer and force feed myself until I'm bloated. Then I roll down the hill, find a way to stand back up and then slowly try climbing back up the mountain.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">It sucks sometimes. The self-pity and self-destruction I find myself caught within.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">But today I'm still trudging up that mountain. And everyday it gets a little easier. I'm not sure why but I think it may be a combination of timing and support. The support of a wonderful group of people I happened to fall in with here on SparkPeople. I'm not sure how I got so lucky - but they have been some of the most loving and open people I've found in the cyberworld.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">We are all at SparkPeople for the same reason - because we are finding a balance with food and are getting healthier while learning to eat better. Everyday we get closer to our goals. Everyday we find a way to cheer each other onward and upward.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I'm just adding my voice to the group as we trudged together up our mountain. Somehow, the group thought my voice was valid and motivational. I'm touched...touched to the point of tears.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">In all my years of battling my weight, I've never felt such love from a group of people. I've done so many diets in the past - I've been a part of so many different weight loss groups during those years, and all those times I just felt as if I was just another number - someone else who was fat and trudging through the trenches of rice cakes and carrots and celery stalks while all the while eyeing that cheesecake and all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Not today. I've found a group of extraordinary women who come from all walks of life doing exactly the same thing I'm doing - succeeding with a simple plan for weight loss.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">In 7 days I will have completed my 3rd cycle of the 17DD plan and ... if I don't lose anything else in those 7 days, I will still be 16 pounds lighter and 14 inches smaller than I was 51 days ago. I will have managed to eat and enjoy more yogurt and vegetables than I have in at least a year. I will have survived without pizza and hamburgers and bags of chips. And I will be doing just fine.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">This is where timing is important.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I'm ready. I'm ready to release the fat that surrounds me. I'm ready to release the past the has protected me from living for the future. I'm ready to release the pain I've held onto from a failed relationship - that lasted 25 years. I'm ready to step into my next phase of life...the phase that has me as the mother of a college-bound son in the next year - the phase of a woman who will find herself in the position of living for herself - not her family, not her husband, not her children - for herself.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I never thought I'd ever look forward to that day. Yet here I am. Ready to move forward in my life. Ready to embrace my 50's as a time of freedom. Ready to greet 52 weighing less than 200 pounds. Ready to find my way back to that woman I once was who had energy and life and the guts to climb any mountain in front of me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Somehow - today the timing and the people have come together to help carry me forward.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">For this I am thankful.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-69107329237465917142011-06-10T18:04:00.000-05:002011-06-10T18:04:24.334-05:00The day after...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">If anyone is following my blog - you'll know that I was finally going to meet with a counselor yesterday concerning my divorce. A quick background: I divorced my husband (it was final in 2008) after 25 years of marriage. The last 6 of them he was a raging alcoholic. While my marriage had years and years of great times, they were almost all eradicated by the last 6. If you have never lived with an alcoholic - please, count your blessings. For those of you who have - I know you understand a lot of what I went through in those years.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Well...no. I haven't.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">I was done. I told him not to come back.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">It's time to walk away.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.</span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-45382252901005648002011-06-08T19:53:00.000-05:002011-06-08T19:53:34.096-05:00Learning to move forward - lose the anger, find the love<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Let me start this out by saying I'm okay...frustrated, but okay. And in an odd way, I may have crossed a major issue in my weight loss journey - or actually, what causes me to have issues with weight loss.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">A little background on me: I divorced in 2008 after being married for 24 years. I met my ex in 1981, married in 1984, moved to Alaska in 1989, had our son in 1994. My father-in-law died unexpectedly in 2000 then my mother passed in 2001 - almost a year later and right after 9/11. By the start of 2002 my son and I were living with a full fledge alcoholic. The next 5 years were hell. On my 23rd anniversary, I put my ex on a plane to Washington for his 4th attempt at recovery. I told him not to come back. By June 2007, my son and I packed our car and drove to Texas to start over. The plus side of all this - my ex has been sober since September 2006.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">As any other single parent can tell you, the past few years have been difficult - but I wouldn't change the choice of divorce for anything. It was a difficult decision - but the right one. My son and I are fine.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">My ex followed us to Texas, but was respectful enough to live 1.5 hours away. He is not in my face. There have been events good and bad - but all in all, we are friends. I loved him for over 25 years - I'm too damned old to be angry.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And that may be the problem. There are times I still am. There are things that he says or does that bring it all back up - the anger, the nightmares, the frustration - it all comes back.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I try. I do. I don't want to have these emotions come back. I want to move forward. I want to find someone else to love and be loved by. I know the only way to move forward is to forgive. I thought I had. I seriously worked hard to let it all go. It's not like it's the first "trauma" that I've experienced. I'm strong - I know I am. So for me to still get as angry as I do about his actions (or lack thereof) is almost baffling.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">So...after months of my son asking me to get counseling - I'm doing it. I meet with a counselor tomorrow afternoon. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And what does this have to do with my weight loss journey?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I'm an emotional eater. I have spent the past 17 years punishing myself with my weight. It's like I have an inner voice that says I don't deserve to be a healthy weight. It's like when I get angry at someone I love that I punish myself by destroying my weight. Always. Everytime I've experienced the anger, the frustration, the emotional crap - I eat.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Today I realized I didn't eat like that. And I didn't do it yesterday. Or last week. Or the week before that. (believe me - there has been cause)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">This is huge.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I'm not sure I'm "cured" but I have a control that I've never had before. I'm not sure exactly why. It's not that I've lost weight, because that has never worked before. It's not because I'm communicating with my SP friends - or my son - because I also tend to hide or hermitize myself as I like to call it. So, no...that's not it.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I really don't know why.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">But I'm glad.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Maybe...I'm really moving forward this time.</span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-3904363500202117552011-05-30T11:02:00.000-05:002011-05-30T11:02:45.175-05:0017-day diet: today is #17 and I've done pretty damn good :)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Today is #17. I've made it. I've eaten fruits and vegetables and yogurt. I've drank green tea and survived.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">3 weeks ago I would have told you you're crazy if you said I'd be eating healthier today.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I have tried every diet out there from Weight Watchers to Jenny Craig to Atkins to South Beach and every little one in between. I've cut calories. I've walked thousands of steps a day. Have I done it all at the same time - well duh...no. That would have been somewhat intelligent - and there is no intelligence when it comes to a fat person trying to lose weight.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Even when I thought my heart was in it - my stomach wasn't.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">And today - while my muscles still aren't in the game - things have changed.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I feel lighter. I feel as if my stomach is flatter. OMG - I feel thinner.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">In 17 days.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Tomorrow, I'll be back home with my scale and my measuring tape to mark my true change. I know there is a loss of weight - a bout 8.5 pounds. There has to be a loss of inches. Even if it's only a 1/2 inch here or there...there's a difference.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Tomorrow I start cycle 2. I get to start reintroducing carbs into my diet plan. Potatoes? yum. But this morning it was if I didn't really care. How strange. I was almost sad to think a carb was coming back. That's not necessarily good thinking. I have to recognize that reality says carbs exist and will, therefore, appear on my plate periodically.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">It's okay to eat them in moderation. It's okay to eat them if they are healthy. It's not okay to make an entire meal of them. It's not okay to neglect probiotics and veggies and fruit.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">The 17DD is a plan that teaches us how to eat again. The right way. The healthy way. It's carried me well in the past 17 days. I expect it will do the same for the next 17.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I'm encouraged by the others in the 17DD group on SP. They are women - just like me - who are at various stages in the plan. All of them lose weight. All of them. All of them have issues, concerns, stress, humor and milestones. All of them are still living their lives and sticking to the plan.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">There's no counting, no weighing...just mindful eating. It's so simple. And it works.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I need to count today as a success - because today I weigh at least 8 pounds less than I did 17 days ago. Tomorrow starts another cycle of 17 days and at the end of it - June 16 - I will weigh less than I do today. Even if it's only 3 or 4 pounds...it's less than before and less is always good.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">I've off to eat an orange...maybe grab a little protein and yogurt to start my day. Then ...</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">WATCH OUT WORLD! HERE I COME!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><img alt="emoticon" border="0" height="42" id="emoticon" src="http://assets3.sparkpeople.com/assets/diet/emoticons/e432.gif" style="line-height: 20px; position: relative;" width="42" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
</span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-83422394963085627902011-05-15T12:38:00.000-05:002011-05-15T12:38:32.181-05:00Day 2 of Starting all over (again) - 17 day diet C1D1 updateStress.<br />
<br />
It has destroyed more than one good intention in my life. <br />
<br />
This time, I was so frustrated, I allowed myself to stop looking at weight loss as a positive thing and gave into the demons that keep me fat. As if being fat was a gift of rebellion - a gift of pride.<br />
<br />
Screw that.<br />
<br />
I'm back.<br />
<br />
Again.<br />
<br />
And this time the frustration has led to anger then to determination. This is where I should be. Always. Determined to win. And winning is losing and getting "me" back.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I started the "17-day Diet" after much, much, research. I don't expect miracles, but it all makes sense that you are eating healthier and therefore will lose weight. I didn't get hungry yesterday, though I did have cravings.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was also a high stress day out of the blue. And by high stress, I mean the type that sucker punches you in the gut when you least expect it. The kind that comes out of thin air with a surprise you never saw coming. The left field kind of shock. Yet, when it was all said and done - it only made me wiser and realize that I really am on the right path - for me. The hurt and shock I experienced yesterday is done. It can't happen again, because now I've experienced it - learned from it - and am now in the moving on stage. All in a matter of hours.<br />
<br />
That never happens.<br />
<br />
And through it all, I grabbed a glass of water, or a cup of green tea instead of a beer or a glass of wine. I ate a slab of chicken instead of a hunk of bread. I snacked on veggies instead of potato chips. And I went to bed satisfied.<br />
<br />
C1D1 of 17-day diet. I weighed myself this past friday - started the diet yesterday - weighed in this morning. Down 4.2 pounds. Is this realistic? Obviously it's a lot of water...no possible way to lose 4 pounds of fat in one day...but I like the number. The scale is moving in the right direction and I have 16 more days to go on cycle one. I'll be thrilled to move it down another 3.8 pounds. But I promise not to complain if it goes lower. <br />
<br />
If it goes higher then all bets are off. :)<br />
<br />
I'll try to keep everyone posted by blogging my daily adventure. I can't promise excitement and daily gems of wisdom, but I can give up a realistic account of an overweight, post-menopausal woman who needs to realistically lose about 80 pounds.<br />
<br />
Join me on this adventure?Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-90211795925325125472011-02-01T12:50:00.001-06:002011-02-01T12:51:23.300-06:00women vs men - today's assessment onlyThis is not going to endear me to anyone...especially most women out there. Tomorrow, I may feel differently and I won't doubt that change in emotional connection with my fellow human. But today I'm hurt. Today, I remember why I've alway kept myself removed from most groups.<br />
<br />
I don't like women.<br />
<br />
For the most part - women are bitchy and back stabbing. <br />
<br />
Yes, yes, I know...they can also be kind, loving, generous, supportive and dependable. <br />
<br />
But God forbid, cross one, or let her think she's been crossed and out come the claws.<br />
<br />
Men are not like that - and that is why I have always surrounded myself with male friends. Even the gays one weren't nearly as backstabbing and bitchy as most of the women I've known. <br />
<br />
This isn't the case with all women. Believe me, I'm not trying to make this black or white. There have been a few women who have stood by me - through thick and thin - dating, marriage, divorce, and single parenthood. These women I can count on one hand. Precisely two fingers. <br />
<br />
We (women) expect other women to stay in our lives forever. Sisterhood and all that crap. So, when you have a falling out with your "sister" it's entirely devastating. You cry, you throw things and you swear you will never trust again. When I've had a falling out with a male friend...oh wait...I haven't had one. Sorry. My mistake. With men, they just gradually disappear from your life...like evolving into their next adventure. Sometimes the man is there, and sometimes he isn't. But the bridges are not burned. Heck, they don't even tend to realized they've drifted away.<br />
<br />
Because it's different with men.<br />
<br />
If you have a disagreement with a male friend - they don't tend to take it personally. It's a disagreement for god's sake - not a knife in the heart of your first born. But women?<br />
<br />
No, we tend to get overly emotional whether we want to or not. It is personal. It's always personal. All women know that. Even when they say it's not - it always is.<br />
<br />
I have never been hurt more by another human being as I have been hurt by a female friend. Funny...even after 23 years of marriage - the pain I felt during the end was only equal to the betrayal of trust I first experience from another woman.<br />
<br />
So why is it there are women everywhere who SWEAR by their BFF's? What's with the sisterhood? Who are these women that take their friends up into their arms to love and protect?<br />
<br />
I'm thrilled for all those women out there that have this very circle of females surrounding them. I'm happy they feel supported. I'm surprised they feel trust and a blind dependence - but if it works and serves them well, more power to them.<br />
<br />
For me? I've tried. Repeatedly. I tried when I was a kid - I tried in high school (and actually found the two that are still in my life and my heart) - I tried in my 20's, my 30's, my 40's. Nothing. Nada. they were there when it served them...but when it stopped being good for both parties, they disappeared on me, never to resurface.<br />
<br />
The men during these times? Sure they are also scarce...but I'm comforted in the fact that they didn't disappear because I no longer served a purpose. They just got caught up in their own worlds and slipped away. If I were to call, 90% would show up at my door tomorrow. Of the women from those same years? I'd venture that less than 40% would show. <br />
<br />
Yes...this is a whiny bitch session for one. I don't expect anyone else to join in or agree with me. I'm only putting it out there because I've been hurt again. Not by a man...but by a group of women I called "friend." I didn't see it coming...as usual...because I trusted them. <br />
<br />
I never expect to be coddled, or to have everyone always agree with me. But I also didn't expect to be shut down because of an assumption. I didn't expect them to gather together like a band of sharks at the first hint of blood in the water. <br />
<br />
I certainly never expected to be as hurt as I am by their words and their assumptions.<br />
<br />
And while several other woman have come out and declared their love and support - I accept it with a grain of salt - not because they have hurt me, but because I feel like a wounded animal who is afraid to trust again.<br />
<br />
It's a man's world out there...and while it's driven into power by the women - it is managed by the men. There might be a reason for this...and while the thought of those reasons scare me - I can understand. <br />
<br />
A man will lie to your face. A woman will lie behind your back.<br />
<br />
At least you know where you stand with the man.Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-46592655431375543022011-01-23T09:32:00.000-06:002011-01-23T09:32:25.908-06:00The Blame Game and being Fat<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">When I think about what it was like - in my much younger years - to weigh 145, or even 130, I remember I didn't have a care in the world. I was happy, I was active, I was still lazy - but it all didn't matter because I didn't gain weight. I took it all for granted and never thought I'd be where I am today.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">If blame is to be given - I blame pregnancy. I gained over 75 pounds in a very difficult and dangerous pregnancy. It was so bad, both my son and I almost died in the delivery and we were both brought back from the edge of darkness. My husband at the time was terrified. He was truly happy just to have me alive that my weight didn't matter to him. Thin or fat - I was here and I was alive.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I got even lazier (but only with my weight) about what I ate or did. I was highly active with my son, worked full time and went back to college. In between - I was on stage as a community actor. And I never lost the weight.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I didn't push because my husband loved me, my son didn't care, and the weight got me parts I'd never gotten before when I was thinner.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Then...my husband's alcoholism settled in and I was in a position of "fight or flight." I didn't lose the weight then because it was protective - it was something I could hide behind. But then food became comfort and I dove into it like it was a warm soft blanket on a cold winter's day. I wrapped myself up in a protective cocoon of food and didn't care about the damage I was doing to myself. No matter what I did - what my husband was doing was worse.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Now...I've been divorced for three years, my son turns 17 in 6 days and I'm heavier than I've ever been.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">The excuses have done nothing except allow me to remain fat.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I've tried diets over the years - plenty of them - and have lost weight only to gain it all back and more. My story is no different than anyone else's.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">So why am I still fat?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Because I was still hiding. Because to find love again, I'd have to truly care about me. To feel successful and to stop running from the fear that enveloped me for seven years - I need to slow down and realize my life is much better today than it was when I lived in fear with my now "ex" husband.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">The nightmares of that time are finally starting to slip away...I don't fear going into a liquor store like I once did, and I'm not as hateful to the homeless alcoholic on the street corner. I've come away from that time in my life with plenty of battle scars, but they are just that - scars. They are no longer fresh wounds.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I'm beyond the need to wear those scars proudly - the scars are there, but I don't need to show them off.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I need to live with them, just as I live with all the other scars I've gathered from just living life. We all have them - mine are no better or no worse than yours. They are what they are.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">No more blame.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">No more hiding.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">No more excuses.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">This time it's for me. The only person it can be for. If I hide, if I seek comfort in food, if I'm lazy - then it's for me this time and not because I'm running or hiding. And if I get off my lazy butt and get moving - then that is for me, too. If I eat better foods, if I don't eat as if I'll never eat again, if I recognize that food is simply a part of life that adds fuel to living...then I am doing it for me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">This time is "me" time.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I allow myself to do whatever it is that makes me happy.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I allow myself to take it day to day.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br style="line-height: 12px;" /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Century, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I allow myself to find me again and fall in love with me.</span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-5897964268164198722010-12-30T20:57:00.000-06:002010-12-30T20:57:52.602-06:00Rules of the RoadVery simply stated - when you are driving on a highway where there are two lanes on each side, the inside lane is for passing. Period. It is not the lane for cruising. <br />
<br />
It's the law.<br />
<br />
Really.<br />
<br />
I know. I've looked it up. <br />
<br />
State by State - it's the same thing. <br />
<br />
Why am I bringing this up?<br />
<br />
Because I just finished a road trip and the majority of people out there have no fricken' clue as to the rules of the road.<br />
<br />
What drives me nuts? Willful stupidity. Selfishness. The assumption that everything is created for "you." That "they" owe "you" something.<br />
<br />
No. The inside lane is not made for you. No. Just because you are driving speed limit does not authorized you to drive in the inside lane. No. Just because you are young, old, black, white, brown, rich, poor, - no one owes you squat. There is nothing that allows you to be an ass on the road. Nothing.<br />
<br />
So - get the hell out of the inside lane. If you are driving faster than those in the "slow lane" then - and only then - can you go into the "fast lane" to do just that...drive fast. Then when you pass the slower vehicle, pull back into the right lane. That way, when you are driving slower than another person, they have the advantage of going around you.<br />
<br />
It's simple.<br />
<br />
It's polite.<br />
<br />
It's the law.Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-9800327096074529282010-12-20T22:42:00.000-06:002010-12-20T22:42:43.519-06:00College Road Trip 101 - Adventure at Reed CollegeSo how did we wind up at a Faculty Christmas party at Reed College in Portland, Oregon?<br />
<br />
It wasn't our intent - nor did I budget time for this festive occasion...but obviously the best laid plans are made so they can be changed by forces beyond ones' control.<br />
<br />
And so it was as our adventure at Reed College was coming to an end. We had a wonderful time meeting some of the staff - getting the lowdown on College life in Portland and taking a whirlwind tour of the campus. We said our goodbyes to the most excellent staff and entered back into the light rain to become one again with our little red Kia.<br />
<br />
Stop. You cannot enter the parking lot. Some "distraught individual has taken refuge on the campus." and oh by the way...he has a loaded weapon.<br />
<br />
Nice. Distraught and loaded weapon. What a wonderful combination. <br />
<br />
We could see our car. It was right there. I could almost reach out and touch it. But no. That would have crossed into the "no can be here" zone, so back we went. <br />
<br />
The building that we ended back up in at Reed is a long Gothic-looking building with wonderful stone work, bearded face carvings and ivy filling the nooks and crannies of the mortared bricks. The trees that caress the sides are a combination of oak and redwoods with moss clinging to the bark and some with a feathering of ferns growing from the crooks of branches. The buildings are celebrating their 100th year of existence with beauty and grace...and a madman somewhere on the east side with a gun.<br />
<br />
And there we set. In a small room with comfy leather chairs sipping tea and cider while munching pretzels and oreos waiting for sanity to prevail. One by one, the staff donned coats and left the building in pairs until only a handful remained. <br />
<br />
Then. The call came.<br />
<br />
Join us! We are having our staff Christmas party and, well, since you are stuck here you may as well come enjoy some food and live music...<br />
<br />
What?<br />
<br />
A Party.<br />
<br />
A Distraught Individual.<br />
<br />
A loaded gun.<br />
<br />
Don't these people read the papers? Shouldn't we be worried? Shouldn't we take cover? Shouldn't we drop and roll?<br />
<br />
Nope. <br />
<br />
So we moved to the West side of campus...away from the "activity" and proceeded to meet and greet the Dean and other assorted tenured staff. <br />
<br />
We sat at a table with lovely people who really didn't take much of an interest in us until I mentioned that we were REALLY from Alaska. And as always - the very mention of Alaska opened up an active conversation. We discussed Moose, fishing, poor hotel choices, and the school districts between Anchorage, Eagle River, Wasilla and Talkeetna. My usual shyness evaporated and I came alive. <br />
<br />
Then - the situation holding our car hostage was lifted. Just like that. No more concern over loaded weapons. No more despondent male over the holiday season. Joy was restored in Whoville and we departed the campus as if we had just been through a typical college interview.<br />
<br />
No harm. No foul. No bloodshed. No bullet holes. No worse for wear.<br />
<br />
We were free to go...and somehow, Reed has moved into the #1 position of college choices...Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-62022571037063959262010-12-09T14:05:00.000-06:002010-12-09T14:05:38.099-06:00frustrationSometimes, you just have to get it out.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, you can't tell those who are annoying you to stop, or to see your side of it. Sometimes, if you do then it only makes things worse. <br />
<br />
This is one of those times.<br />
<br />
I have a vacation planned for December 17 - January 2. Yes...that is a tad bit more than 2 weeks away from work. I need it. I can work on average 60 hours a week. Sometimes I have worked over a month straight...and yes that includes Saturdays and Sundays. Now before you get all excited about overtime, etc - understand that I am salary. I don't get overtime.<br />
<br />
I just work.<br />
<br />
Rarely, do I take time off. I can't. My job just will not allow for it. I am at the whim of the Government. <br />
<br />
I write proposals. So...when the Government (specifically the military) decides they have a job to be performed on a base somewhere around the world (specifically Operations/Maintenance/Support/Housekeeping/etc) then the company I work for will bid for that job. It's how we keep afloat. It's what allows me to actually HAVE a job. So...I write proposals.<br />
<br />
When I started, there were about six of us in my department. This was 3 years ago. Now there are 2. And we do it all.<br />
<br />
It is the most stressful job I have ever had in my life.<br />
<br />
It is also the highest paying job I've ever had.<br />
<br />
As a single mom, this is vital. I need to live. I need to support myself and my son. I need, I need, I need.<br />
<br />
And so I work. Constantly.<br />
<br />
My last vacation was in 2008. Prior to that, it was when I quit my job in Alaska and drove to Texas. I was off work for 3 weeks.<br />
<br />
This is my first REAL time off in years. And I need. Desperately. I feel as if my ability to hold it together is slipping...and I know I need a break. If I don't get away, I will snap. It's inevitable.<br />
<br />
But...here's the issue. We just had 3 major solicitations hit. All are due within 7 days of each other between January 7 & the 14. One is HUGE. <br />
<br />
And now they are threatening to pull my vacation.<br />
<br />
Did I mention I'm in Texas? Yeah. They can do that in Texas. There is no State law governing vacations. If Texas had it's way, no one would ever take a vacation. If I push for my time off, they can fire me. And even though it is not to their advantage to do so...they would probably play that card.<br />
<br />
So here I am.<br />
<br />
Frustrated.<br />
<br />
I already will be - at the very least - working on my vacation. Though, finding the time will be interesting as it is a major roadtrip. I will be driving 70% of the time.<br />
<br />
And also...it's one of the last (and possibly the last) vacation I take with my son before he leaves for college in 2012. I can try for another...but financially, that isn't always an option.<br />
<br />
So - this is the big one.<br />
<br />
And it may not happen.<br />
<br />
And there is really nothing I can do about it.<br />
<br />
Sometimes...Life just sucks no matter how hard you try to make it all alright and find time for yourself and your family.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't a single mom.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I just wish....Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-75095642657608179322010-12-02T08:25:00.001-06:002010-12-02T08:27:01.758-06:00you and me against the world...I don't know when it became the two of us. Though...if I think about it, it's been since the very beginning of time.<br />
<br />
I remember finding out I was pregnant with Sean. It was a lifetime ago...and I was so scared.<br />
<br />
We'd been trying forever to have a baby. When I first discovered I was pregnant...the first time...I was over the moon with joy. My world was complete. I did what every expectant parent is not supposed to do - I told EVERYONE. We were going to have a baby. We were going to be a family.<br />
<br />
Wrong. I lost the baby Christmas day, 1992. I had been pregnant less than 8 weeks. But I already had a baby ornament for the tree. I still have that ornament...and once a year, I look at it and think about the baby I lost - my first baby - and I mourn what never will be.<br />
<br />
So...when Sean came along the following May, I was scared. More scared than I thought was humanly possible. I didn't believe the pregnancy tests. I made the doctor do a blood test - then prove to me why it was correct. My first ultrasound? The same thing. I made her explain everything she saw in the ultrasound that proved I was indeed pregnant and the little peanut shape she was showing me was...indeed...my baby.<br />
<br />
Sean was peanut before he was Sean. <br />
<br />
As I got comfortable in my pregnancy, the fear started to subside. After three months, we finally told everyone... cautiously. I still wasn't sure. But as time moved forward, I got less scared.<br />
<br />
Until November. Pre-Eclampsia. And I was down on bedrest from my birthday until Sean was delivered January 29, 1994. Between were almost daily visits by nurses, technicians, and the weekly hospital visit. They had me terrified that if I moved wrong, I would lose my baby. Even the delivery severely threatened both our lives.<br />
<br />
But we survived. And I became more protective in life than I ever was during the womb days. <br />
<br />
Was this the beginning of Sean and I? Well, probably. But I tried to be three. I really did. And for a while it worked.<br />
<br />
I can't blame Mike. He tried as best as any new dad could. But Sean was as close to me as I was to him. He was always in my arms, or around my legs, or nestled up beside me. We were almost as inseparable as we were when I was pregnant. Even trips taken outside to visit family - it was just Sean and I traveling. I don't remember Mike ever joining us on a vacation. <br />
<br />
So when it came out that Mike was an alcoholic and we started to fight that horrible demon, Mike retreated into a shell of tequila and gin bottles, while Sean and I gathered together as one.<br />
<br />
It was natural.<br />
<br />
And it's how we got to where we are today.<br />
<br />
Just the two of us. Who have been through everything together: illnesses, broken bones, emergency room visits, learning to read, learning to ride a bike, death of grandparents, the hell of alcoholism, divorce, and growing into a man. <br />
<br />
No matter who has been around - no matter what our family situations - no matter what state we've lived in - it's always been the two of us, hand in hand.<br />
<br />
Unconditional love at it's finest.<br />
<br />
And the truth is...I need to learn to let go.<br />
<br />
My peanut is not mine to hold onto forever. He is mine to love...but he belongs to himself. He is the best of unconditional love, but as is true with the finest of loves...they are not meant to last forever. <br />
<br />
In a very short year and a half - he will move onto the next chapter in his life...and I will need to move on too.<br />
<br />
I love you Peanut.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 25px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">You and me against the world</span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">It feels like you and me against the world</span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">And for all the times we've cried</span></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">I've always felt that God was on our side</span></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">And when one of us is gone</span></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">And one is left alone to carry on</span></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">Then remembering will have to do</span></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">Memories alone will get us through</span></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">Think about the days of me and you</span></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; line-height: 18px;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">You and me against the world</span></div></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-51138671496793273772010-11-22T15:31:00.000-06:002010-11-22T15:31:55.851-06:00Back by popular demand...the story of my first Thanksgiving...<div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Back in the dark ages of my youth...I was about 20 and had my first "real" job. Well, they gave us a gift certificate at Thanksgiving time "for a turkey." It was really a $25 gift certificate to Safeway - but I thought I had to buy a turkey with it...so I did. It was 1980 and I bought a $25 turkey. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">I was single at the time. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Didn't dawn on me to give it to a family...no I was going to cook my first turkey for me and my friend! Yeppers! </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">So there we are in this tiny apartment kitchen opening this turkey...okay, I remembered my mom sticking her hands in the turkey and taking stuff out...so I did.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">GROSS! I thought everything would be in a bag or something - I have no idea why. Then I didn't know what to do with the stuff I took out, so we put it in a dish then stuck it in the fridge. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Step two. Stuff the turkey. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Okay. This should be simple enough. We opened the box of Stovetop stuffing and poured it into the turkey cavity. Do you know how much Stovetop stuffing fits in the cavity of a $25 turkey? Lots!!! So we kept filling the cavity until it was full. YEA! Now let's cook the turkey!</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" />It took forever. We thought we were suppose to baste the turkey with it's own juices...but there really wasn't any juice coming out, so we didn't. Somewhere...I probably should have called my mom...but no. I was 20 and living on my own. Why call mom????</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" />Sometime around Christmas I think the turkey finally popped it's little red timer thingy...and so it was done.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: x-large; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13.1944px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Yum! We couldn't wait! </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Did you know you're suppose to let the turkey sit before you slice into it? I didn't. So we fired up the electric knife and butchered the hell out of that turkey. Oops! Forgot to remove the stuffing...I guess we'll just serve it from the turkey...YEA!!! Turkey and Stuffing!!!! WOOHOO!!! Let's eat!!!</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: x-large; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13.1944px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Have you ever had cottonmouth? </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Have you ever shoved like an entire pack of crackers into your mouth and tried to chew them and swallow? Have you ever had all your bodies' moisture sucked right out of you?</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" />Yeah. we did. Remember when I said we poured the Stovetop stuffing into the turkey's cavity? Did you know you're supposed to first mix the stuffing with water? </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">We didn't. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">Wonder where all that turkey juice went that we were supposed to baste the turkey with? Yep. into the cavity. The wads of dried breading was sucking the literal life juice out of the turkey.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" />So there we were...CRAVING turkey and dressing with a frickin' huge turkey as dry as the sahara desert surrounded by piles of semi-moist turkey-fied breadcrumbs.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;"><br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 11.1111px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0px !important; margin-right: 0px !important; margin-top: 0px !important; padding-bottom: 0px !important; padding-left: 0px !important; padding-right: 0px !important; padding-top: 0px !important; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-indent: 0px !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11.1111px; text-indent: 0px !important;">I didn't prepare another Thanksgiving meal until I was in my 40's...<br style="text-indent: 0px !important;" /></span></span></div>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-43621946111865766232010-11-16T10:55:00.000-06:002010-11-16T10:55:24.632-06:00They say it's your birthday...Woo!<br />
<br />
I have a birthday and oddly enough, it's today. Just like it was last year and the year before that...and so it goes back, back, into the dark ages of time. Back to a world that exists only in black and white pictures and broken Super 8 film, sticking and burning in an ancient Kodak projector.<br />
<br />
Where I am today is never a place I thought about back in the world I use to live in...that world of Ed Sullivan and Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom, of "Sing Along with Mitch Miller" and Elvis Presley albums, of climbing the old apricot tree in the back yard and digging to China in my mother's garden and playing in the old paneled wagon with Jeff and Bryan pretending we were soldiers trying to avoid capture by the Nazi's during the days of the Vietnam War.<br />
<br />
What have I seen in my lifetime? What has happened in the past 50 years...now that I'm 51 and what has shaped the person I've become?<br />
<br />
And am I any different that that girl with the long blonde pigtails? Is there a difference between that tomboy of 1968 and the single mom of 2010?<br />
<br />
In my lifetime I've lived through the toddler years of Rock & Roll, survived Disco, Punk and Grunge and have questioned the reasoning behind Rap. All in all - it's been a wondrous life of music, though my son swears I was lucky enough to live through the best decades EVER when it comes to Rock. My stories of concerts during the '70's can easily elicit a glazed over expression of envy the likes I never even considered.<br />
<br />
I've lived through 4 or 5 wars (assuming one counts Grenada?) with Vietnam still etched into my memory as a horrible vision shown nightly on TV. My prayers always included a line asking God to end the war in Vietnam. Even after it had finally ended, I repeated the line nightly for years because my prayers had simply become a habit. My feelings toward war have not changed in the last 50 years. I have studied all the wars, the history behind them, the strategies, the outcomes, the battles, the bullshit - and I still have the same opinion that I've always had. War is simply two men (always a man) who have issues with each other - usually involving one having something the other wants. They then gather all the people under them and force these people to "go get it" from the other guy. Sometimes, the people have to be told it is in their best interest, that the other guys are evil and will kill us all if we don't stop them. War is stupid. People die for reasons that are usually ridiculous. Families are destroyed because of the will of someone who doesn't care. Even today - (and yes, I understand what has happened in the US in the last 20 years) - we have simply traded the fear/threat of Communism for the fear/treat of Al Qaeda. It's always steeped in truth, but it has grown to ridiculous proportions by being fed through ignorance and fear.<br />
<br />
Nope. War has not changed in my lifetime. It has only, like music, evolved.<br />
<br />
What else has happened in the last 50 years? Politics? Nope - different people - same Bull Shit.<br />
<br />
Society? You would think with all the opportunities to educate ourselves, more people would take advantage of knowledge. But no. That really hasn't changed either. The people who will grow and be valuable to our world will take the initiative and learn. The ones who are lazy and expect the world to cater to them, will sit on their asses and wait for a hand out. It's no different today than it was 50 years ago...though sometimes, in my darker times, I think there are more lazy ass people looking for their piece of assumed heaven. But really? No, I think it's the same just dressed a little differently.<br />
<br />
So what has changed?<br />
<br />
Nothing.<br />
<br />
We are still people. We are still human. We love. We hate. We are afraid of things we don't understand. We find pleasure in the simple things around us. We are hungry. We are rich. We want only what is basic to survive. We want it all. We are no different than we were at the start of 1960. Our society on a whole has changed and evolved with the ebbs of the tide.<br />
<br />
I want to be better than that. I want to have grown. But, even as an individual - I know how difficult change can be. I want things to be different, but I didn't do whatever was necessary in my past to make things different. I still wish I was sitting in Bob's car cruising State College, or hanging out at Bill's cool apartment on Lemon Street, or trading shots from a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the Fort at Pioneer Park.<br />
<br />
I want to do more dancing in LA with Mark. I want to go see "Animal House" one more time at the Orange Drive-in. I want to see another concert at the Golden Bear in Huntington Beach. <br />
<br />
I want to be happy and loved in 2011, but I still want to relive 1979 over and over again. <br />
<br />
How can I expect the world to change around me for the better - how can I expect people to grow and evolve in this society - when I'm not willing to let go of my past?<br />
<br />
What do I want as I move into my 52nd year on this earth?<br />
<br />
What I've always wanted. I want Peace. I want Love. I want Happiness.<br />
<br />
But most importantly - I want to make this world a better place for my son so that when he is 50, he can look back and see the change I never saw.Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432783620641560030.post-20738567311410097512010-11-10T14:40:00.000-06:002010-11-10T14:40:18.755-06:00What do you want from life?So far, I've given up on the autographed picture of Randy Mantooth, the herd of Winnebago's and the baby's arm holding an apple - but what I haven't given up on is that idea of having it all in whatever reasonable fashion I can manage having it.<br />
<br />
You never really do know what is out there until you step into the pile of shit while rounding that blind corner. Sometimes, while you're leaning against the wall scrapping off your shoe, the most surprising things tap you on the shoulder.<br />
<br />
Mine was simply a phone call asking me what I wanted for dinner. When I said surprise me, he said okay and intends to do just that. I don't get the company, but I do get the food. More importantly - I was thought about. And for a moment - someone unexpectedly cared about me and felt compelled to surprise me with a little gesture.<br />
<br />
These are truly the gestures that get me through my days - they are also the gestures that remind me that I still have desires and dreams. I'm not ready to give up and become the cat lady.<br />
<br />
The Tubes reminded me that no one really knows what they want - and when they have it, they're not really sure they want to keep it. We are always searching - always wondering - and always, always wanting more.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">What do you want from life</span></b></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Someone to love<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span></b></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b>and somebody that you can trust</b></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b>What do you want from life</b></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b>To try and be happy<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span></b></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b>while you do the nasty things you must"</b></div><div style="text-align: left;">Is this truly it?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Is this what we're all striving to reach - to find - to cling to in our dreams, in our beds, on our daily commutes to our sheep like existence? </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I think it's pretty damned close.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">My 2 minute surprise phone call showed me it's not that far from the truth. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I want to be loved, I want to love back, I want to be happy and I want someone to stand by me as I creep through the muck, claw my way through the jungles, and deadman float through the garbage-strewn moat surrounding my King's castle. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">And while I never expect him to tell me he loves me - I know that he does...in the way most of us love another after climbing out of the hole of love affairs gone bad. We're scared, we're weary, we're covered in crud...but we still want someone to love and trust. We want to try and be happy. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">And we desperately want someone - just as battle savvy - to stand beside us in love and in life.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">In a weird way I have that as a woman too afraid to cross a line to reach a man who is too afraid to need another person. So together we'll be there for one another - never sharing the identical secret we continue to keep from the other. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">In the meantime - I'll enjoy dinner and know that someone who truly does love me is watching out for me from afar...the only way he knows how.</div></span>Terrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10940760439622673334noreply@blogger.com0