How existential of me to ask that. And really, if I were philosophizing on my true meaning - my true reason for existence - then I think it would take up an entire book and not a blog entry.
No, the question is much simpler than that.
One of the ways I know to make money when I depart for my "epic journey of lateness" and explore the US in a motorhome (est.2015) is to write. Yay! Writing.
Easy enough.
But how do you make money at it? I don't mean $25 here and there, I mean $1000/month. Or more. Well, I understand I need to establish myself as a writer in a freelance world. I need to have stories and an angle and a friend in the publishing business.
Crap.
I actually need to work at this.
So where to start? What do I know? Always write about what you know. Easy.
But what do I know? Really know?
And that's where the problem seems to exist for me.
Here's what I know...REALLY know:
How to persevere
How to raise a child
How to be a single mom
How to live (or not live) with someone who has a terrible addiction
How to juggle life - not always successfully
I know what it's like to be withdrawn, what it's like to hide. I know what it's like to pretend you are someone else.
I know the experience of acting - from a chorus role to the lead in a musical - and everything behind the scenes.
How to have a successful marriage
How to have a successful and angst-free divorce
How to be honest
But beyond that - I'm not an expert in anything. I have my passions, but I don't consider myself to be an expert in any field. I can tell stories and have a sardonic wit. I can see the humor in just about everything. I am the first to laugh at myself. And I find myself a little afraid of everything around me.
Insecurity is a bitch. If I were to look at myself on paper, without knowing it was me, I would be mightily impress with the strength of that woman. But knowing it's me - I just know that I did what every other person in this world does - I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes through mud or windstorms, or blizzards, or floods. Sometimes through the most beautiful of sunny days.
I am no different than anyone else.
Except I have a way to find my voice and the voice of others. I have the talent to put that voice out there and allow my experiences to be heard.
Is that voice publishable?
Is there anything I can say that hasn't already been said? That someone wants to hear?
I have no idea.
And I don't think I will really ever know the answer to that unless I start to write from the heart. Not a blog - but something more marketable. An article. An opinion column. Something to sell to a small paper or two or twenty or more.
Maybe a weekly piece would be enough to carry me forward as a writer and as a way to finance my adventure through space. Maybe those stories on the road will become a future book (yes! even with pictures!), or at the very least, a small voice heard by a few souls who still read.
I understand that today is the day I need to figure it all out. I can't wait until I'm on the road to test the waters. The time is now...
The first step is always the most frightening. From my experience, the next few steps after that aren't so easy either...
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The sigh of relief
Biopsy's are scary things.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I cried.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I cried.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.
Friday, September 30, 2011
ch-ch-ch-changes
Fine.
I fess up.
Yesterday was a surprising mix of emotions...oddly enough I never really cried. True, my eyes "leaked" as I finally laid down to sleep...but it wasn't an overwhelming sadness...more like the closing of a chapter that I had closed a long time ago only to recognize it today.
I met "her." I did not like "her." I don't get why on earth she would be the "chosen one" over me. But she is and if that is truly the case, I never stood a chance in Hell with this man. I walked away realizing that I was the better woman.
For me to see that is huge.
For as insecure and afraid as I can be, I recognized yesterday that it is not who I outwardly portray. And why is that? Because I really am strong. I really am confident. I really am in control.
And I'm a hell of a lot of fun to be with.
Someone is out there that "gets" me and then I will be "her" for him.
So, yesterday, I walked away. Not from my friendship, but from my anchor.
Today, I am floating to the top...
As if to bolster that change, an opening appeared in a group's meetup that I've been interested in. The meeting is tonight and I'm actually going.
Now, for a lot of people, this isn't a big deal. But for me - the person who prefers to simply hide in my home - this is a huge step toward finding me again.
The meeting is only women (something I have avoided most of my life) and spiritual (not weighted down by Christianity - more overwhelming and all-accepting spirituality) something I've been drawn to for my entire life, but something I've always shied away from because of my Christian roots.
But the pull this time is very strong. Who am I to deny this at this stage in my life?
The changes are necessary for me to grow.
I've got the diet right (my huge splurge last night was very European! Bleu Cheese and wine!) and I'm starting to let go of dead weight (sorry John). I've spent the past 5 years trying to find my footing so I can move forward - and maybe, today, the time is now.
So - 30 pounds lighter and emotionally single, I step into the light of the universe and try to discover this mysterious world of women and earthly spiritualism. (sounds Wicca...no...that's not where this is going...at least not yet...)
I will let everyone know how tonight's Water Elemental goes (that's the lesson for this evening) and I will keep ya'll posted on my attempts at coming out of my shell and stepping into the big and beautiful world surrounding us all.
"I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence..."
I fess up.
Yesterday was a surprising mix of emotions...oddly enough I never really cried. True, my eyes "leaked" as I finally laid down to sleep...but it wasn't an overwhelming sadness...more like the closing of a chapter that I had closed a long time ago only to recognize it today.
I met "her." I did not like "her." I don't get why on earth she would be the "chosen one" over me. But she is and if that is truly the case, I never stood a chance in Hell with this man. I walked away realizing that I was the better woman.
For me to see that is huge.
For as insecure and afraid as I can be, I recognized yesterday that it is not who I outwardly portray. And why is that? Because I really am strong. I really am confident. I really am in control.
And I'm a hell of a lot of fun to be with.
Someone is out there that "gets" me and then I will be "her" for him.
So, yesterday, I walked away. Not from my friendship, but from my anchor.
Today, I am floating to the top...
As if to bolster that change, an opening appeared in a group's meetup that I've been interested in. The meeting is tonight and I'm actually going.
Now, for a lot of people, this isn't a big deal. But for me - the person who prefers to simply hide in my home - this is a huge step toward finding me again.
The meeting is only women (something I have avoided most of my life) and spiritual (not weighted down by Christianity - more overwhelming and all-accepting spirituality) something I've been drawn to for my entire life, but something I've always shied away from because of my Christian roots.
But the pull this time is very strong. Who am I to deny this at this stage in my life?
The changes are necessary for me to grow.
I've got the diet right (my huge splurge last night was very European! Bleu Cheese and wine!) and I'm starting to let go of dead weight (sorry John). I've spent the past 5 years trying to find my footing so I can move forward - and maybe, today, the time is now.
So - 30 pounds lighter and emotionally single, I step into the light of the universe and try to discover this mysterious world of women and earthly spiritualism. (sounds Wicca...no...that's not where this is going...at least not yet...)
I will let everyone know how tonight's Water Elemental goes (that's the lesson for this evening) and I will keep ya'll posted on my attempts at coming out of my shell and stepping into the big and beautiful world surrounding us all.
"I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence..."
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Melancholy - contemplation on life today...
I tend toward the extremes in life sometimes. I'm either up or I'm down. The inbetween is most likely a melancholy.
That's today.
I saw it coming. In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now. And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.
There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage. The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times. It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.
I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye. Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times. Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back. I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it. It's subconscious on my part.
But today I went through 3 boxes. And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's. I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001. Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us. And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years. But the '80's...they were some good, good times.
With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.
I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide.
And this has always saddened me. The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.
Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving. People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate.
The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving.
This is what I need to remember and focus on.
The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories. And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly. I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together.
I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones. I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.
I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.
Imagine all the people
living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one
<em>26</em>
That's today.
I saw it coming. In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now. And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.
There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage. The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times. It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.
I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye. Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times. Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back. I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it. It's subconscious on my part.
But today I went through 3 boxes. And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's. I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001. Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us. And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years. But the '80's...they were some good, good times.
With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.
I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide.
And this has always saddened me. The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.
Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving. People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate.
The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving.
This is what I need to remember and focus on.
The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories. And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly. I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together.
I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones. I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.
I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.
Imagine all the people
living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one
<em>26</em>
Friday, July 1, 2011
Trusting your instincts - the voice of reason and truth
"Seek always the answer from within. Be not influenced by those around you, by their thoughts or by their words." ~ Eileen Caddy
When faced with a decision as to which way to go today, I will pause and take the time that I need to feel it through. I no longer have to look to other people for approval. I can seek advice and then make my own decisions. I can take quiet time and go with my intuition. I can let my body tell me what is right for me.
*****
When faced with a decision as to which way to go today, I will pause and take the time that I need to feel it through. I no longer have to look to other people for approval. I can seek advice and then make my own decisions. I can take quiet time and go with my intuition. I can let my body tell me what is right for me.
*****
Today I trust my instincts. Today I trust that I will know at the right time the right answer. Today I have the faith to know that God guides me in my choices.
*****
The above is from "Time for Joy" a book of daily affirmations. In the past, I have usually met the suggestion of daily affirmations with a smirk. How on earth can the simple repetition of words change my life? Especially words so simple...almost insipid...I should and do already know this - so why will it help me? I felt like that character Stuart Smalley from SNL (Al Franken) - and I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Yet...
Wait...
It works.
It really does work.
And everyday that I follow the daily affirmation - everyday that I repeat these simple words, this simple message over and over - I'm getting stronger. I'm happier and more relaxed. I can deal with the day to day better than before. I breathe more. I'm finding that voice inside of me again.
For me this is huge. For me, for so long, I lost that voice inside of me...that very, very wise voice. And each day it gets a little bit louder and I trust it a little bit more.
Though this particular affirmation means to expand into all aspects of ones' life - it can easily be focused down to eating well and eating right. Use it however you may need - find that voice inside of you and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Eat the right foods - avoid the ones that weigh you down both literally and figuratively.
As I have always told my son before a decision or a test or anything that brings with it "second thought" - Breathe, then answer. In other words, take in a deep breathe...hold...then release your worries, your stress with that exhale. What is left, if you truly let it go, is the truth for you at that moment. Go with it and know you have made the best choice for you at that moment with all that you have and all that you know.
My intention is to get back to that simple "knowing." No regrets - no questions - no internal struggle. Just peace of mind.
If I can find my internal peace - trust that you can, too. It's right there. Inside of you, where it has always been. It's just very quiet and very polite and just waiting for you to stop long enough to find your center.
Just breathe and listen.
The above is from "Time for Joy" a book of daily affirmations. In the past, I have usually met the suggestion of daily affirmations with a smirk. How on earth can the simple repetition of words change my life? Especially words so simple...almost insipid...I should and do already know this - so why will it help me? I felt like that character Stuart Smalley from SNL (Al Franken) - and I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Yet...
Wait...
It works.
It really does work.
And everyday that I follow the daily affirmation - everyday that I repeat these simple words, this simple message over and over - I'm getting stronger. I'm happier and more relaxed. I can deal with the day to day better than before. I breathe more. I'm finding that voice inside of me again.
For me this is huge. For me, for so long, I lost that voice inside of me...that very, very wise voice. And each day it gets a little bit louder and I trust it a little bit more.
Though this particular affirmation means to expand into all aspects of ones' life - it can easily be focused down to eating well and eating right. Use it however you may need - find that voice inside of you and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Eat the right foods - avoid the ones that weigh you down both literally and figuratively.
As I have always told my son before a decision or a test or anything that brings with it "second thought" - Breathe, then answer. In other words, take in a deep breathe...hold...then release your worries, your stress with that exhale. What is left, if you truly let it go, is the truth for you at that moment. Go with it and know you have made the best choice for you at that moment with all that you have and all that you know.
My intention is to get back to that simple "knowing." No regrets - no questions - no internal struggle. Just peace of mind.
If I can find my internal peace - trust that you can, too. It's right there. Inside of you, where it has always been. It's just very quiet and very polite and just waiting for you to stop long enough to find your center.
Just breathe and listen.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
And then the morning comes...
New day.
Sometimes, they just pass by like a daily freight train rumbling through the backyard, and then there are other days where they whisper and flit around like a butterfly dreaming of clouds. Morning brings with it promises of a new day, or reminders of the broken pieces from the night before.
But if you're like most people - morning is just morning. And the day is just another day.
I am not like most people.
Sure, there are times I get caught up in the angst of daily strife and lose sight of what I'm supposed to be doing besides going through the motions. I hate those days. They depress me and capture me within a funk that can - at times - be difficult to break free.
And then there are mornings like today, and like I expect tomorrow to be.
Days that hold promise of new things - of being one step closer to love - of being that much closer to floating just above the ground. These are the days I live for. I wish I could plan them out - line them up and use them when the need arises. But instead, there is a higher power that seems to drop them on me when I least expect them.
It's the same power that brings me love, tangible or not. The same power that shows me possibilities, but not a way to attain the dream. The same power that gave me just enough time away from one who holds my heart to see there's another who is willing and able. The power that throws me back together with original to remind me there is always a choice - always a decision to make in life.
Right or wrong - eventually I have to make a choice.
But not today.
This is not the day to break dreams, to step among the pillars of reality and dodge sleeping freight trains.
Today is a day filled with the warmth of love and promise. Today is the day I climb a tree and laze about in the sun. Today is the day of youthful daydreams - of chasing frogs in the grass and releasing the magic of dandelions.
At least for a moment - I will be cocooned within the comfort of childhood hopes. I will smile up at the sun and thank the Spirits for the gift of today.
Maybe tomorrow I will be one step closer to a decision...
Sometimes, they just pass by like a daily freight train rumbling through the backyard, and then there are other days where they whisper and flit around like a butterfly dreaming of clouds. Morning brings with it promises of a new day, or reminders of the broken pieces from the night before.
But if you're like most people - morning is just morning. And the day is just another day.
I am not like most people.
Sure, there are times I get caught up in the angst of daily strife and lose sight of what I'm supposed to be doing besides going through the motions. I hate those days. They depress me and capture me within a funk that can - at times - be difficult to break free.
And then there are mornings like today, and like I expect tomorrow to be.
Days that hold promise of new things - of being one step closer to love - of being that much closer to floating just above the ground. These are the days I live for. I wish I could plan them out - line them up and use them when the need arises. But instead, there is a higher power that seems to drop them on me when I least expect them.
It's the same power that brings me love, tangible or not. The same power that shows me possibilities, but not a way to attain the dream. The same power that gave me just enough time away from one who holds my heart to see there's another who is willing and able. The power that throws me back together with original to remind me there is always a choice - always a decision to make in life.
Right or wrong - eventually I have to make a choice.
But not today.
This is not the day to break dreams, to step among the pillars of reality and dodge sleeping freight trains.
Today is a day filled with the warmth of love and promise. Today is the day I climb a tree and laze about in the sun. Today is the day of youthful daydreams - of chasing frogs in the grass and releasing the magic of dandelions.
At least for a moment - I will be cocooned within the comfort of childhood hopes. I will smile up at the sun and thank the Spirits for the gift of today.
Maybe tomorrow I will be one step closer to a decision...
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