Biopsy's are scary things.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I cried.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
day: I re-commit myself to me
I've been lost.
Some of you may have noticed, but I'm assuming the vast majority have not. Nor should anyone. Because I'm me and not you. Our focus should be on ourselves.
We - at least the females among us - tend to focus on everyone else other than ourselves and in doing so, forget the most important person in our lives.
I've done it the same as the rest of the women in this world.
I will always find a way to focus on others before myself. But I will make the effort to take care of me first.
And that is what I'm doing today.
Taking care of me.
This past May, I jumped into the 17 day diet with both feet and I managed to lose 30 pounds. This is incredible. This is amazing.
Then...as I've always done in the past...I started to inch my way into self-sabotage. I made excuses and found ways to cheat albeit in very small ways. The whole time I knew what I was doing. At least I was completely aware.
And I reached out. I cried out. Everytime I felt myself starting to hide away from the world, I'd yank myself up and throw myself out there publicly. Well...at least I threw myself out there into SparkPeople world.
Thankfully some people reached back. Even though many were struggling with their own weight loss demons - people found a moment in their day to recognize me. I love you for that. I needed you and there were those who ... at the very least ... acknowledged my presence and predicament.
I knew I needed to get back on track. I knew the weight would creep back up if I didn't. Thankfully, I've gained less than 5 pounds back. This past weekend was like a free-for-all with Mexican food. In the past six weeks, I've "allowed" myself to reintroduce sugar back into my system. And alcohol. And though I've maintained an awareness of each addition...I caught myself starting to let it go.
I do that. I am the best damned pity-party thrower out there sometimes. I don't know why, but I will destroy my best intentions with feelings of being unworthy.
I know...I know...I am worthy. 99% of me knows that and will tell you that. I am strong and intelligent and accomplished. But there is that teeny tiny voice inside of me that says I'm lying. It tells me that I've been faking it all these years and someone will call my bluff. It tries to convince me that there is no substance behind the facade that is me.
Why that voice is easier to listen to doesn't make sense to me. But it is. It's like comfort food. It's like a warm, soft blanket on a blustery Autumn day. It's the crackling of a fireplace and the caress of a lover.
And it is trying to destroy me from the inside.
Not today.
Today I am pushing it back down - but only after I confront it head-on. I know it will always be there - but by acknowledging it and recognizing it is part of me - I will be able to keep it in check.
Today I am back to complete my goal for 2011. To reach that goal - a total of 40 pounds lost in 2011 - I have only 13 pounds to go. I can do it. It is completely possible. Not "if" but "when."
And in doing so - will be able to reach MY healthy weight in 2012.
Some of you may have noticed, but I'm assuming the vast majority have not. Nor should anyone. Because I'm me and not you. Our focus should be on ourselves.
We - at least the females among us - tend to focus on everyone else other than ourselves and in doing so, forget the most important person in our lives.
I've done it the same as the rest of the women in this world.
I will always find a way to focus on others before myself. But I will make the effort to take care of me first.
And that is what I'm doing today.
Taking care of me.
This past May, I jumped into the 17 day diet with both feet and I managed to lose 30 pounds. This is incredible. This is amazing.
Then...as I've always done in the past...I started to inch my way into self-sabotage. I made excuses and found ways to cheat albeit in very small ways. The whole time I knew what I was doing. At least I was completely aware.
And I reached out. I cried out. Everytime I felt myself starting to hide away from the world, I'd yank myself up and throw myself out there publicly. Well...at least I threw myself out there into SparkPeople world.
Thankfully some people reached back. Even though many were struggling with their own weight loss demons - people found a moment in their day to recognize me. I love you for that. I needed you and there were those who ... at the very least ... acknowledged my presence and predicament.
I knew I needed to get back on track. I knew the weight would creep back up if I didn't. Thankfully, I've gained less than 5 pounds back. This past weekend was like a free-for-all with Mexican food. In the past six weeks, I've "allowed" myself to reintroduce sugar back into my system. And alcohol. And though I've maintained an awareness of each addition...I caught myself starting to let it go.
I do that. I am the best damned pity-party thrower out there sometimes. I don't know why, but I will destroy my best intentions with feelings of being unworthy.
I know...I know...I am worthy. 99% of me knows that and will tell you that. I am strong and intelligent and accomplished. But there is that teeny tiny voice inside of me that says I'm lying. It tells me that I've been faking it all these years and someone will call my bluff. It tries to convince me that there is no substance behind the facade that is me.
Why that voice is easier to listen to doesn't make sense to me. But it is. It's like comfort food. It's like a warm, soft blanket on a blustery Autumn day. It's the crackling of a fireplace and the caress of a lover.
And it is trying to destroy me from the inside.
Not today.
Today I am pushing it back down - but only after I confront it head-on. I know it will always be there - but by acknowledging it and recognizing it is part of me - I will be able to keep it in check.
Today I am back to complete my goal for 2011. To reach that goal - a total of 40 pounds lost in 2011 - I have only 13 pounds to go. I can do it. It is completely possible. Not "if" but "when."
And in doing so - will be able to reach MY healthy weight in 2012.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Melancholy - contemplation on life today...
I tend toward the extremes in life sometimes. I'm either up or I'm down. The inbetween is most likely a melancholy.
That's today.
I saw it coming. In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now. And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.
There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage. The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times. It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.
I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye. Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times. Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back. I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it. It's subconscious on my part.
But today I went through 3 boxes. And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's. I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001. Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us. And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years. But the '80's...they were some good, good times.
With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.
I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide.
And this has always saddened me. The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.
Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving. People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate.
The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving.
This is what I need to remember and focus on.
The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories. And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly. I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together.
I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones. I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.
I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.
Imagine all the people
living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one
<em>26</em>
That's today.
I saw it coming. In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now. And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.
There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage. The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times. It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.
I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye. Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times. Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back. I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it. It's subconscious on my part.
But today I went through 3 boxes. And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's. I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001. Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us. And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years. But the '80's...they were some good, good times.
With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.
I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide.
And this has always saddened me. The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.
Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving. People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate.
The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving.
This is what I need to remember and focus on.
The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories. And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly. I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together.
I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones. I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.
I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.
Imagine all the people
living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one
<em>26</em>
Friday, June 10, 2011
The day after...
If anyone is following my blog - you'll know that I was finally going to meet with a counselor yesterday concerning my divorce. A quick background: I divorced my husband (it was final in 2008) after 25 years of marriage. The last 6 of them he was a raging alcoholic. While my marriage had years and years of great times, they were almost all eradicated by the last 6. If you have never lived with an alcoholic - please, count your blessings. For those of you who have - I know you understand a lot of what I went through in those years.
I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.
Well...no. I haven't.
He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.
He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.
I was done. I told him not to come back.
Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.
So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father.
So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad.
It's time to walk away.
And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.
Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.
I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.
Well...no. I haven't.
He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.
He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.
I was done. I told him not to come back.
Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.
So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father.
So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad.
It's time to walk away.
And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.
Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
brick by brick - the facade begins
Sometimes the reason people feel so alone is because the person they want to hold them up doesn't.
It doesn't matter how many friends they may have, or how many of the people around them say, "if you need anything - just let me know."
People like me don't just reach out. We don't just "let you know." Not because we don't want to - but because it's been driven into our tiny little brains that to do so could be an inconvenience to those we reach out to.
Or...when we've reached out, we've received obvious advice that we really didn't need.
Telling us the mistakes we've made to get to where we are is unnecessary. Usually, we know where we've fucked up. It's pretty obvious to us. We tend to feel extremely stupid for allowing ourselves to make the very mistake you feel a need to point out to us.
So - we don't reach out. Because we don't want to be beaten over the head by our own stupidity.
Some people think we need to hear it to move forward.
We don't.
I don't at least.
What I need is quiet support.
Someone to tell me it will all be okay. Someone to hold me and to prop me up. Someone to stand behind me as I face the coming day.
I need someone who will protect me. Someone who will not be condescending to me when I ask for advice. I'm perfectly able to tick off every mistake I've ever made - every misstep that has led me down all the wrong paths. What I need is help climbing out of the hole.
I need love.
And I'm no different from everyone else out there that feels lost on a daily basis.
The hardest thing I'm finding is to grow older and having that support system change around you. I'm not alone in that I gather very few trusted people around me. I'm not alone in feeling that I would impede on another's life by asking them to join my little circle.
People like me - need people like you to step up and come to me. I need you to make the effort to show me you truly care. I need you to fight for me and not simply think I'm strong enough to do it for myself.
To simply offer up a comment of "just let me know" implies you're too busy to take the time necessary to reach through my walls and touch my heart. I'm not going to "let you know" because it will take too long for me to explain why I need you.
Whereas you believe I have that time - have that strength - the simple truth is that I don't.
I'm afraid.
And fear is a grand motivator for living inside of walls.
It doesn't matter how many friends they may have, or how many of the people around them say, "if you need anything - just let me know."
People like me don't just reach out. We don't just "let you know." Not because we don't want to - but because it's been driven into our tiny little brains that to do so could be an inconvenience to those we reach out to.
Or...when we've reached out, we've received obvious advice that we really didn't need.
Telling us the mistakes we've made to get to where we are is unnecessary. Usually, we know where we've fucked up. It's pretty obvious to us. We tend to feel extremely stupid for allowing ourselves to make the very mistake you feel a need to point out to us.
So - we don't reach out. Because we don't want to be beaten over the head by our own stupidity.
Some people think we need to hear it to move forward.
We don't.
I don't at least.
What I need is quiet support.
Someone to tell me it will all be okay. Someone to hold me and to prop me up. Someone to stand behind me as I face the coming day.
I need someone who will protect me. Someone who will not be condescending to me when I ask for advice. I'm perfectly able to tick off every mistake I've ever made - every misstep that has led me down all the wrong paths. What I need is help climbing out of the hole.
I need love.
And I'm no different from everyone else out there that feels lost on a daily basis.
The hardest thing I'm finding is to grow older and having that support system change around you. I'm not alone in that I gather very few trusted people around me. I'm not alone in feeling that I would impede on another's life by asking them to join my little circle.
People like me - need people like you to step up and come to me. I need you to make the effort to show me you truly care. I need you to fight for me and not simply think I'm strong enough to do it for myself.
To simply offer up a comment of "just let me know" implies you're too busy to take the time necessary to reach through my walls and touch my heart. I'm not going to "let you know" because it will take too long for me to explain why I need you.
Whereas you believe I have that time - have that strength - the simple truth is that I don't.
I'm afraid.
And fear is a grand motivator for living inside of walls.
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