How existential of me to ask that. And really, if I were philosophizing on my true meaning - my true reason for existence - then I think it would take up an entire book and not a blog entry.
No, the question is much simpler than that.
One of the ways I know to make money when I depart for my "epic journey of lateness" and explore the US in a motorhome (est.2015) is to write. Yay! Writing.
Easy enough.
But how do you make money at it? I don't mean $25 here and there, I mean $1000/month. Or more. Well, I understand I need to establish myself as a writer in a freelance world. I need to have stories and an angle and a friend in the publishing business.
Crap.
I actually need to work at this.
So where to start? What do I know? Always write about what you know. Easy.
But what do I know? Really know?
And that's where the problem seems to exist for me.
Here's what I know...REALLY know:
How to persevere
How to raise a child
How to be a single mom
How to live (or not live) with someone who has a terrible addiction
How to juggle life - not always successfully
I know what it's like to be withdrawn, what it's like to hide. I know what it's like to pretend you are someone else.
I know the experience of acting - from a chorus role to the lead in a musical - and everything behind the scenes.
How to have a successful marriage
How to have a successful and angst-free divorce
How to be honest
But beyond that - I'm not an expert in anything. I have my passions, but I don't consider myself to be an expert in any field. I can tell stories and have a sardonic wit. I can see the humor in just about everything. I am the first to laugh at myself. And I find myself a little afraid of everything around me.
Insecurity is a bitch. If I were to look at myself on paper, without knowing it was me, I would be mightily impress with the strength of that woman. But knowing it's me - I just know that I did what every other person in this world does - I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes through mud or windstorms, or blizzards, or floods. Sometimes through the most beautiful of sunny days.
I am no different than anyone else.
Except I have a way to find my voice and the voice of others. I have the talent to put that voice out there and allow my experiences to be heard.
Is that voice publishable?
Is there anything I can say that hasn't already been said? That someone wants to hear?
I have no idea.
And I don't think I will really ever know the answer to that unless I start to write from the heart. Not a blog - but something more marketable. An article. An opinion column. Something to sell to a small paper or two or twenty or more.
Maybe a weekly piece would be enough to carry me forward as a writer and as a way to finance my adventure through space. Maybe those stories on the road will become a future book (yes! even with pictures!), or at the very least, a small voice heard by a few souls who still read.
I understand that today is the day I need to figure it all out. I can't wait until I'm on the road to test the waters. The time is now...
The first step is always the most frightening. From my experience, the next few steps after that aren't so easy either...
Showing posts with label middle age. Show all posts
Showing posts with label middle age. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Interesting insight into a friend and weight loss...
A male friend of mine took me to dinner last night to celebrate my birthday. Anyone who has followed my blogs, etc, may recognize "said friend" as the man I was infatuated with for the past 4 years. He started dating a woman last February and I met her for the first time about 6 weeks ago.
Obviously, the conversation drifted toward her and their relationship. (warning...I may get a tad snippy in this blog!)
She had gastric bypass surgery about 3 years ago and has lost over 120 pounds. She has also had a tummy tuck and a boob job. Duh. At least my eyes could tell it was obvious. Now don't misunderstand me - I have six friends who have gone the gastric bypass route (not lapband) and one who had the cosmetic surgery. I understand. However, I also know that you can lose weight the old fashioned way - through hardwork, dietary changes and exercise.
Here's the best part of doing it the old-fashioned way...you can still eat food. I don't mean pick at it, or avoid certain things - I mean you can flipping eat food.
I proved that last night. I have lost 40 pounds this year. Last night I had no difficulty having a petite filet, broccoli, and a blue cheese/pecan salad with a sangria to wash it all down. Will I eat like that again today? No. And that's okay. But I can eat it.
His girlfriend cannot. But she's "skinny" and has perky boobs. Yeah for her. I would love to be skinny and perky again. But I'm 52. Perky is not part of my body image anymore.
And that's okay too.
Last night, my friend told me how wonderful I was looking. How had I lost the weight? What was I doing differently? He complimented me on my hair and even thought it was time I bought a new wardrobe to reflect the changes I've made. Instead, I told him I was moving forward with my life and planning a way to travel the country in a RV - my 5 year plan. I was ready to live for me...FINALLY. He seemed surprised that I was willing to venture out - cut my roots and live by "chance."
He thought I should live a more stable life. I should date and maybe even settle down. Find a nice man who appreciates the eclectic person I am. Like he does - but one that isn't involved with another woman. WHAT?
The worst part was his confession that he would not have dated his current girlfriend 3 years ago before her weightloss, yet today he is considering it as a long-term relationship. She's the same person she was 3 years ago except with a ton of surgery. How shallow is that?
Starts to make sense why he and I never dated. That saddens me. Not because we didn't date - but because of the idea that he didn't date me because of my weight.
I'm sure I was a tad catty when he mentioned she "had" to have the surgery for health reasons. No she didn't. She lost a ton of weight and was saggy. That doesn't affect your physical health. It affects your vanity. It's okay to admit vanity - but call it what it is. Don't say it was for health issues. The weight loss was for health issues...not the boob job.
The funniest part was when I found out how old she is. My friend is 47, and I'm 52. He can never remember how old I am because I don't look like I'm 52. I look younger. I act younger. Call it good genes - but the fact remains...today I don't look 50. I'm thankful for that. But when I met her last month I was sure she was older than me. I based that on her skin, wrinkles, attitude, the way she carried herself, oh, and the fact that she has a grown and married son. Nope. She's 43. SERIOUSLY??? When he told me that I physically choked on my drink. How embarrassing. I couldn't even hide my shock.
Last night, he didn't seem to understand my surprise. He tried to write it off and say it was because she's had some difficult years (Really? Difficult? I can compare lives and I bet I can match her difficulty for difficulty and then some.) Well he emailed me today and here is his direct quote: "It *was* interesting after your comment about XXX's age, to see you and her standing next to each other. Not sure if it’s genes, or life, or that red-heads don’t age as well. But yes- just take it as a compliment that you DO look a LOT younger than XXX. Oh well."
I've got 30 - 40 more pounds to lose. I will manage that in the coming year. When I'm done, I'll be saggy. But I will have done it on my own - no invasive surgery. I will be able to eat Creme Brulee if I want without throwing up. I can go to a party and not pick at my food. I will have learned what creates a proper diet and will be able to maintain a healthy outlook on food and how to eat. I will be able to move and workout. I will know the importance of a healthy life - and not bypass the efforts because I was in the medical field and had someone offer a quick fix.
And when my friend is comfortably ensconced in a relationship built upon her vanity and his shallowness - I will be long gone, thankful my guardian angels were keeping my heart protected when all I wanted was to be loved. What I wanted he couldn't give me. Last night, it all came together so clearly.
And all because I have lost weight.
Obviously, the conversation drifted toward her and their relationship. (warning...I may get a tad snippy in this blog!)
She had gastric bypass surgery about 3 years ago and has lost over 120 pounds. She has also had a tummy tuck and a boob job. Duh. At least my eyes could tell it was obvious. Now don't misunderstand me - I have six friends who have gone the gastric bypass route (not lapband) and one who had the cosmetic surgery. I understand. However, I also know that you can lose weight the old fashioned way - through hardwork, dietary changes and exercise.
Here's the best part of doing it the old-fashioned way...you can still eat food. I don't mean pick at it, or avoid certain things - I mean you can flipping eat food.
I proved that last night. I have lost 40 pounds this year. Last night I had no difficulty having a petite filet, broccoli, and a blue cheese/pecan salad with a sangria to wash it all down. Will I eat like that again today? No. And that's okay. But I can eat it.
His girlfriend cannot. But she's "skinny" and has perky boobs. Yeah for her. I would love to be skinny and perky again. But I'm 52. Perky is not part of my body image anymore.
And that's okay too.
Last night, my friend told me how wonderful I was looking. How had I lost the weight? What was I doing differently? He complimented me on my hair and even thought it was time I bought a new wardrobe to reflect the changes I've made. Instead, I told him I was moving forward with my life and planning a way to travel the country in a RV - my 5 year plan. I was ready to live for me...FINALLY. He seemed surprised that I was willing to venture out - cut my roots and live by "chance."
He thought I should live a more stable life. I should date and maybe even settle down. Find a nice man who appreciates the eclectic person I am. Like he does - but one that isn't involved with another woman. WHAT?
The worst part was his confession that he would not have dated his current girlfriend 3 years ago before her weightloss, yet today he is considering it as a long-term relationship. She's the same person she was 3 years ago except with a ton of surgery. How shallow is that?
Starts to make sense why he and I never dated. That saddens me. Not because we didn't date - but because of the idea that he didn't date me because of my weight.
I'm sure I was a tad catty when he mentioned she "had" to have the surgery for health reasons. No she didn't. She lost a ton of weight and was saggy. That doesn't affect your physical health. It affects your vanity. It's okay to admit vanity - but call it what it is. Don't say it was for health issues. The weight loss was for health issues...not the boob job.
The funniest part was when I found out how old she is. My friend is 47, and I'm 52. He can never remember how old I am because I don't look like I'm 52. I look younger. I act younger. Call it good genes - but the fact remains...today I don't look 50. I'm thankful for that. But when I met her last month I was sure she was older than me. I based that on her skin, wrinkles, attitude, the way she carried herself, oh, and the fact that she has a grown and married son. Nope. She's 43. SERIOUSLY??? When he told me that I physically choked on my drink. How embarrassing. I couldn't even hide my shock.
Last night, he didn't seem to understand my surprise. He tried to write it off and say it was because she's had some difficult years (Really? Difficult? I can compare lives and I bet I can match her difficulty for difficulty and then some.) Well he emailed me today and here is his direct quote: "It *was* interesting after your comment about XXX's age, to see you and her standing next to each other. Not sure if it’s genes, or life, or that red-heads don’t age as well. But yes- just take it as a compliment that you DO look a LOT younger than XXX. Oh well."
I've got 30 - 40 more pounds to lose. I will manage that in the coming year. When I'm done, I'll be saggy. But I will have done it on my own - no invasive surgery. I will be able to eat Creme Brulee if I want without throwing up. I can go to a party and not pick at my food. I will have learned what creates a proper diet and will be able to maintain a healthy outlook on food and how to eat. I will be able to move and workout. I will know the importance of a healthy life - and not bypass the efforts because I was in the medical field and had someone offer a quick fix.
And when my friend is comfortably ensconced in a relationship built upon her vanity and his shallowness - I will be long gone, thankful my guardian angels were keeping my heart protected when all I wanted was to be loved. What I wanted he couldn't give me. Last night, it all came together so clearly.
And all because I have lost weight.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The sigh of relief
Biopsy's are scary things.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I cried.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.
Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us. For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.
Last week I had a major health scare. I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting. I chose three of those four people carefully. One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through. The third was my son. I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge. The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.
I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB. It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives. I know I did.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?
In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me. Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry. I've done alright. I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.
I still want to see Europe.
I still want to visit all 50 states.
I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But other than that, I've done okay. My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.
I cried.
I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed. I'm not ready to leave this life. I'm not done. Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.
And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path. No further. Not until I had something tangible in my hands.
Today, I received my "unofficial" results.
There is no cancer. No pre-cancerous cells.
Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia. I'm going to be fine. And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer. Whatever it is will not try to kill me.
I have survived to fight another day.
Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thankful to those who motivate me...thankful for today
On Sunday, I was named June's most motivational member for the 17 day diet team at SparkPeople.
I'm truly honored and humbled by this gift.
I don't think I do anything exceptional - or anything I don't like having done for myself.
It's important to me to have daily motivation - I need to have that daily pep talk to keep me on the right path. And sometimes, no matter how much "pep" I'm giving - no matter how many people tell me I'm doing fine and on the right path - I just can't seem to move forward. In the past, I've fallen by the wayside and no one has seemed to notice me lying there. No one comes over to pick me up and dust me off.
So I lay there feeling sorry for myself. I roll over and eat whatever I can find. I wallow in the mud and cry in my beer and force feed myself until I'm bloated. Then I roll down the hill, find a way to stand back up and then slowly try climbing back up the mountain.
It sucks sometimes. The self-pity and self-destruction I find myself caught within.
But today I'm still trudging up that mountain. And everyday it gets a little easier. I'm not sure why but I think it may be a combination of timing and support. The support of a wonderful group of people I happened to fall in with here on SparkPeople. I'm not sure how I got so lucky - but they have been some of the most loving and open people I've found in the cyberworld.
We are all at SparkPeople for the same reason - because we are finding a balance with food and are getting healthier while learning to eat better. Everyday we get closer to our goals. Everyday we find a way to cheer each other onward and upward.
I'm just adding my voice to the group as we trudged together up our mountain. Somehow, the group thought my voice was valid and motivational. I'm touched...touched to the point of tears.
In all my years of battling my weight, I've never felt such love from a group of people. I've done so many diets in the past - I've been a part of so many different weight loss groups during those years, and all those times I just felt as if I was just another number - someone else who was fat and trudging through the trenches of rice cakes and carrots and celery stalks while all the while eyeing that cheesecake and all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.
Not today. I've found a group of extraordinary women who come from all walks of life doing exactly the same thing I'm doing - succeeding with a simple plan for weight loss.
In 7 days I will have completed my 3rd cycle of the 17DD plan and ... if I don't lose anything else in those 7 days, I will still be 16 pounds lighter and 14 inches smaller than I was 51 days ago. I will have managed to eat and enjoy more yogurt and vegetables than I have in at least a year. I will have survived without pizza and hamburgers and bags of chips. And I will be doing just fine.
This is where timing is important.
I'm ready. I'm ready to release the fat that surrounds me. I'm ready to release the past the has protected me from living for the future. I'm ready to release the pain I've held onto from a failed relationship - that lasted 25 years. I'm ready to step into my next phase of life...the phase that has me as the mother of a college-bound son in the next year - the phase of a woman who will find herself in the position of living for herself - not her family, not her husband, not her children - for herself.
I never thought I'd ever look forward to that day. Yet here I am. Ready to move forward in my life. Ready to embrace my 50's as a time of freedom. Ready to greet 52 weighing less than 200 pounds. Ready to find my way back to that woman I once was who had energy and life and the guts to climb any mountain in front of me.
Somehow - today the timing and the people have come together to help carry me forward.
For this I am thankful.
I'm truly honored and humbled by this gift.
I don't think I do anything exceptional - or anything I don't like having done for myself.
It's important to me to have daily motivation - I need to have that daily pep talk to keep me on the right path. And sometimes, no matter how much "pep" I'm giving - no matter how many people tell me I'm doing fine and on the right path - I just can't seem to move forward. In the past, I've fallen by the wayside and no one has seemed to notice me lying there. No one comes over to pick me up and dust me off.
So I lay there feeling sorry for myself. I roll over and eat whatever I can find. I wallow in the mud and cry in my beer and force feed myself until I'm bloated. Then I roll down the hill, find a way to stand back up and then slowly try climbing back up the mountain.
It sucks sometimes. The self-pity and self-destruction I find myself caught within.
But today I'm still trudging up that mountain. And everyday it gets a little easier. I'm not sure why but I think it may be a combination of timing and support. The support of a wonderful group of people I happened to fall in with here on SparkPeople. I'm not sure how I got so lucky - but they have been some of the most loving and open people I've found in the cyberworld.
We are all at SparkPeople for the same reason - because we are finding a balance with food and are getting healthier while learning to eat better. Everyday we get closer to our goals. Everyday we find a way to cheer each other onward and upward.
I'm just adding my voice to the group as we trudged together up our mountain. Somehow, the group thought my voice was valid and motivational. I'm touched...touched to the point of tears.
In all my years of battling my weight, I've never felt such love from a group of people. I've done so many diets in the past - I've been a part of so many different weight loss groups during those years, and all those times I just felt as if I was just another number - someone else who was fat and trudging through the trenches of rice cakes and carrots and celery stalks while all the while eyeing that cheesecake and all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.
Not today. I've found a group of extraordinary women who come from all walks of life doing exactly the same thing I'm doing - succeeding with a simple plan for weight loss.
In 7 days I will have completed my 3rd cycle of the 17DD plan and ... if I don't lose anything else in those 7 days, I will still be 16 pounds lighter and 14 inches smaller than I was 51 days ago. I will have managed to eat and enjoy more yogurt and vegetables than I have in at least a year. I will have survived without pizza and hamburgers and bags of chips. And I will be doing just fine.
This is where timing is important.
I'm ready. I'm ready to release the fat that surrounds me. I'm ready to release the past the has protected me from living for the future. I'm ready to release the pain I've held onto from a failed relationship - that lasted 25 years. I'm ready to step into my next phase of life...the phase that has me as the mother of a college-bound son in the next year - the phase of a woman who will find herself in the position of living for herself - not her family, not her husband, not her children - for herself.
I never thought I'd ever look forward to that day. Yet here I am. Ready to move forward in my life. Ready to embrace my 50's as a time of freedom. Ready to greet 52 weighing less than 200 pounds. Ready to find my way back to that woman I once was who had energy and life and the guts to climb any mountain in front of me.
Somehow - today the timing and the people have come together to help carry me forward.
For this I am thankful.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The day after...
If anyone is following my blog - you'll know that I was finally going to meet with a counselor yesterday concerning my divorce. A quick background: I divorced my husband (it was final in 2008) after 25 years of marriage. The last 6 of them he was a raging alcoholic. While my marriage had years and years of great times, they were almost all eradicated by the last 6. If you have never lived with an alcoholic - please, count your blessings. For those of you who have - I know you understand a lot of what I went through in those years.
I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.
Well...no. I haven't.
He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.
He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.
I was done. I told him not to come back.
Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.
So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father.
So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad.
It's time to walk away.
And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.
Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.
I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.
Well...no. I haven't.
He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.
He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.
I was done. I told him not to come back.
Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.
So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father.
So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad.
It's time to walk away.
And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.
Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
What do you want from life?
So far, I've given up on the autographed picture of Randy Mantooth, the herd of Winnebago's and the baby's arm holding an apple - but what I haven't given up on is that idea of having it all in whatever reasonable fashion I can manage having it.
You never really do know what is out there until you step into the pile of shit while rounding that blind corner. Sometimes, while you're leaning against the wall scrapping off your shoe, the most surprising things tap you on the shoulder.
Mine was simply a phone call asking me what I wanted for dinner. When I said surprise me, he said okay and intends to do just that. I don't get the company, but I do get the food. More importantly - I was thought about. And for a moment - someone unexpectedly cared about me and felt compelled to surprise me with a little gesture.
These are truly the gestures that get me through my days - they are also the gestures that remind me that I still have desires and dreams. I'm not ready to give up and become the cat lady.
The Tubes reminded me that no one really knows what they want - and when they have it, they're not really sure they want to keep it. We are always searching - always wondering - and always, always wanting more.
You never really do know what is out there until you step into the pile of shit while rounding that blind corner. Sometimes, while you're leaning against the wall scrapping off your shoe, the most surprising things tap you on the shoulder.
Mine was simply a phone call asking me what I wanted for dinner. When I said surprise me, he said okay and intends to do just that. I don't get the company, but I do get the food. More importantly - I was thought about. And for a moment - someone unexpectedly cared about me and felt compelled to surprise me with a little gesture.
These are truly the gestures that get me through my days - they are also the gestures that remind me that I still have desires and dreams. I'm not ready to give up and become the cat lady.
The Tubes reminded me that no one really knows what they want - and when they have it, they're not really sure they want to keep it. We are always searching - always wondering - and always, always wanting more.
"What do you want from life
Someone to love
and somebody that you can trust
What do you want from life
To try and be happy
while you do the nasty things you must"
Is this truly it?
Is this what we're all striving to reach - to find - to cling to in our dreams, in our beds, on our daily commutes to our sheep like existence?
I think it's pretty damned close.
My 2 minute surprise phone call showed me it's not that far from the truth.
I want to be loved, I want to love back, I want to be happy and I want someone to stand by me as I creep through the muck, claw my way through the jungles, and deadman float through the garbage-strewn moat surrounding my King's castle.
And while I never expect him to tell me he loves me - I know that he does...in the way most of us love another after climbing out of the hole of love affairs gone bad. We're scared, we're weary, we're covered in crud...but we still want someone to love and trust. We want to try and be happy.
And we desperately want someone - just as battle savvy - to stand beside us in love and in life.
In a weird way I have that as a woman too afraid to cross a line to reach a man who is too afraid to need another person. So together we'll be there for one another - never sharing the identical secret we continue to keep from the other.
In the meantime - I'll enjoy dinner and know that someone who truly does love me is watching out for me from afar...the only way he knows how.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
slow down...the corner is coming too fast...
So what's wrong with me?
My son says I've changed. That's new. I've never had my son tell me that.
My ex did. I've had friends tell me that. Even family. But my son?
nope. That's a new one.
So what's different?
My life is changing around me and I have no control over it. That's nothing new - but the circumstances are changing.
My son is growing up. Hell, he's already grown up through no fault of his. Life threw him a curve ball early on and he hit it out of the park.
But is that a good thing?
I will never know, because it is what it is and I can't change the past.
So I'm trying to control the future - and it's not mine to control.
I love him. I'm proud of him. I trust him to make the right decisions and choices and twists and turns that come with life. I'm just not prepared to let him go. Actually, I'm not prepared to let go period.
Why?
Because I have nothing to grab onto.
In my past, I've had three things...
1. What will I be when I grow up?
2. My husband
3. My son
I'm grown up, divorced and the mother of a high school junior. I'm done. I spent 25 years holding onto and guiding my husband and I will have spent 18+ years doing the same for my son.
I understand that now it's my time. Terri time.
But I don't know what that means. I can't see the paths. I don't know what's around the corner.
And unlike that girl of 19 - this time I'm scared.
My son says I've changed. That's new. I've never had my son tell me that.
My ex did. I've had friends tell me that. Even family. But my son?
nope. That's a new one.
So what's different?
My life is changing around me and I have no control over it. That's nothing new - but the circumstances are changing.
My son is growing up. Hell, he's already grown up through no fault of his. Life threw him a curve ball early on and he hit it out of the park.
But is that a good thing?
I will never know, because it is what it is and I can't change the past.
So I'm trying to control the future - and it's not mine to control.
I love him. I'm proud of him. I trust him to make the right decisions and choices and twists and turns that come with life. I'm just not prepared to let him go. Actually, I'm not prepared to let go period.
Why?
Because I have nothing to grab onto.
In my past, I've had three things...
1. What will I be when I grow up?
2. My husband
3. My son
I'm grown up, divorced and the mother of a high school junior. I'm done. I spent 25 years holding onto and guiding my husband and I will have spent 18+ years doing the same for my son.
I understand that now it's my time. Terri time.
But I don't know what that means. I can't see the paths. I don't know what's around the corner.
And unlike that girl of 19 - this time I'm scared.
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