day: I re-commit myself to me

I've been lost.

Some of you may have noticed, but I'm assuming the vast majority have not. Nor should anyone. Because I'm me and not you. Our focus should be on ourselves.

We - at least the females among us - tend to focus on everyone else other than ourselves and in doing so, forget the most important person in our lives.

I've done it the same as the rest of the women in this world.

I will always find a way to focus on others before myself. But I will make the effort to take care of me first.

And that is what I'm doing today.

Taking care of me.

This past May, I jumped into the 17 day diet with both feet and I managed to lose 30 pounds. This is incredible. This is amazing.

Then...as I've always done in the past...I started to inch my way into self-sabotage. I made excuses and found ways to cheat albeit in very small ways. The whole time I knew what I was doing. At least I was completely aware.

And I reached out. I cried out. Everytime I felt myself starting to hide away from the world, I'd yank myself up and throw myself out there publicly. Well...at least I threw myself out there into SparkPeople world.

Thankfully some people reached back. Even though many were struggling with their own weight loss demons - people found a moment in their day to recognize me. I love you for that. I needed you and there were those who ... at the very least ... acknowledged my presence and predicament.

I knew I needed to get back on track. I knew the weight would creep back up if I didn't. Thankfully, I've gained less than 5 pounds back. This past weekend was like a free-for-all with Mexican food. In the past six weeks, I've "allowed" myself to reintroduce sugar back into my system. And alcohol. And though I've maintained an awareness of each addition...I caught myself starting to let it go.

I do that. I am the best damned pity-party thrower out there sometimes. I don't know why, but I will destroy my best intentions with feelings of being unworthy.

I know...I know...I am worthy. 99% of me knows that and will tell you that. I am strong and intelligent and accomplished. But there is that teeny tiny voice inside of me that says I'm lying. It tells me that I've been faking it all these years and someone will call my bluff. It tries to convince me that there is no substance behind the facade that is me.

Why that voice is easier to listen to doesn't make sense to me. But it is. It's like comfort food. It's like a warm, soft blanket on a blustery Autumn day. It's the crackling of a fireplace and the caress of a lover.

And it is trying to destroy me from the inside.

Not today.

Today I am pushing it back down - but only after I confront it head-on. I know it will always be there - but by acknowledging it and recognizing it is part of me - I will be able to keep it in check.

Today I am back to complete my goal for 2011. To reach that goal - a total of 40 pounds lost in 2011 - I have only 13 pounds to go. I can do it. It is completely possible. Not "if" but "when."

And in doing so - will be able to reach MY healthy weight in 2012.

To stop judging & comparing and just be with what is

I can't begin to tell you how wonderful and smooth my thinking process is becoming between the 17DD, FatLoser.com and these affirmations. Yesterday was my 2nd 16 hour day this week - and I found myself - though stressed because of deadlines - in control. I WAS IN CONTROL! That's huge. I wasn't scattered, or flustered, or scared and I had foods in my bag to maintain myself through the day. I was prepared. And then I came home and did a 48 minute walk. 

Here's to today and our continued success! 

***** 
Our mind used to automatically make comments on everything that happened. It was always judging, commenting, criticizing, approving, deciding whether something was right or wrong, good or bad, too big or too small, too this or too that. I was so busy comparing what was to what I thought it should be or wanted it to be that I did not have time to enjoy the moment. 

Today I am learning to stop judging 
and comparing so that I can be with what is. 
I am learning to accept what is without the struggle 
of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong. 

***** 

Today - go out and enjoy all your moments! Accept them as they are and stop putting judgments on them. That is my plan today. Enjoy the simplicities of life - whatever they are and whatever comes my way. Today will simply be - today. 

I can think of no better way to face life. 

I have worried and stressed and fretted about things not being what I thought they should be - or even worse - not be what I thought others would want them to be. Not only did I have my own preconceived notions about events and such in my head, but I also had preconceived ideas about what was in the heads of other. Try living up to that! 

No wonder I was an emotional mess for so long. 

No wonder I'm fat. 

I couldn't live up to my expectations or to those I self-imposed and reflected back onto my self. What a confusing and constantly questioning way of life. 

Well I'm done. 

It is time to release all the continual second-guessing I've done throughout most of my life. There was a time - long ago - when a friend and I developed a "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" kind of attitude. It wasn't as harsh or as uncaring as it sounds - it was simply allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to please the entire world. We were 19? 20? when we came up with that - and suddenly I felt on top of the world. I managed to have an awesome job with an awesome company - I enjoyed life and all my friends - I met my husband during this time - life was great. Sure there were bad things happening in my life, but they were suddenly manageable and didn't cripple me into submission. 

Somewhere along the line I lost that attitude. I "grew up" and became "responsible" whatever that means. I suddenly found myself trying to fit into molds...and I couldn't get off the merry-go-round of frustration. Suddenly I was back to second-guessing every move I made because I thought I had to so as to be seen as responsible. 

Here I am. 51 years old. And all those years of trying to live in the molds of others has left me frustrated and fat. 

Until this past May when I sucked it up and started to remember who I am. I allowed myself to release the pain - release the frustration - release the attempts at trying to make everyone happy except for myself. I released the chains of what I supposed was life and allowed myself to actually live life. 

And you know what? 

I'm happier. I'm healthier. I'm almost 20 pounds lighter. 

Oddly enough - I'm more balanced and therefore more able to maintain my life and my responsibilities. I am becoming the responsible adult without the suffocating restraints I thought that title imposed. 

I am finally growing up into myself. And it's only taken me a little more than 25 years to find myself back to the path I discovered when I first entered into adulthood. 

I am learning to accept what is without the struggle of trying to decide whether it is right or wrong. 

I am finding peace.

Trusting your instincts - the voice of reason and truth

"Seek always the answer from within. Be not influenced by those around you, by their thoughts or by their words." ~ Eileen Caddy 

When faced with a decision as to which way to go today, I will pause and take the time that I need to feel it through. I no longer have to look to other people for approval. I can seek advice and then make my own decisions. I can take quiet time and go with my intuition. I can let my body tell me what is right for me. 

*****

Today I trust my instincts. Today I trust that I will know at the right time the right answer. Today I have the faith to know that God guides me in my choices. 

***** 
The above is from "Time for Joy" a book of daily affirmations. In the past, I have usually met the suggestion of daily affirmations with a smirk. How on earth can the simple repetition of words change my life? Especially words so simple...almost insipid...I should and do already know this - so why will it help me? I felt like that character Stuart Smalley from SNL (Al Franken) - and I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. 

Yet... 

Wait... 

It works. 

It really does work. 

And everyday that I follow the daily affirmation - everyday that I repeat these simple words, this simple message over and over - I'm getting stronger. I'm happier and more relaxed. I can deal with the day to day better than before. I breathe more. I'm finding that voice inside of me again. 

For me this is huge. For me, for so long, I lost that voice inside of me...that very, very wise voice. And each day it gets a little bit louder and I trust it a little bit more. 

Though this particular affirmation means to expand into all aspects of ones' life - it can easily be focused down to eating well and eating right. Use it however you may need - find that voice inside of you and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Eat the right foods - avoid the ones that weigh you down both literally and figuratively. 

As I have always told my son before a decision or a test or anything that brings with it "second thought" - Breathe, then answer. In other words, take in a deep breathe...hold...then release your worries, your stress with that exhale. What is left, if you truly let it go, is the truth for you at that moment. Go with it and know you have made the best choice for you at that moment with all that you have and all that you know. 

My intention is to get back to that simple "knowing." No regrets - no questions - no internal struggle. Just peace of mind. 

If I can find my internal peace - trust that you can, too. It's right there. Inside of you, where it has always been. It's just very quiet and very polite and just waiting for you to stop long enough to find your center. 

Just breathe and listen. 

Thankful to those who motivate me...thankful for today

On Sunday, I was named June's most motivational member for the 17 day diet team at SparkPeople. 

I'm truly honored and humbled by this gift. 

I don't think I do anything exceptional - or anything I don't like having done for myself. 

It's important to me to have daily motivation - I need to have that daily pep talk to keep me on the right path. And sometimes, no matter how much "pep" I'm giving - no matter how many people tell me I'm doing fine and on the right path - I just can't seem to move forward. In the past, I've fallen by the wayside and no one has seemed to notice me lying there. No one comes over to pick me up and dust me off. 

So I lay there feeling sorry for myself. I roll over and eat whatever I can find. I wallow in the mud and cry in my beer and force feed myself until I'm bloated. Then I roll down the hill, find a way to stand back up and then slowly try climbing back up the mountain. 

It sucks sometimes. The self-pity and self-destruction I find myself caught within. 

But today I'm still trudging up that mountain. And everyday it gets a little easier. I'm not sure why but I think it may be a combination of timing and support. The support of a wonderful group of people I happened to fall in with here on SparkPeople. I'm not sure how I got so lucky - but they have been some of the most loving and open people I've found in the cyberworld. 

We are all at SparkPeople for the same reason - because we are finding a balance with food and are getting healthier while learning to eat better. Everyday we get closer to our goals. Everyday we find a way to cheer each other onward and upward. 

I'm just adding my voice to the group as we trudged together up our mountain. Somehow, the group thought my voice was valid and motivational. I'm touched...touched to the point of tears. 

In all my years of battling my weight, I've never felt such love from a group of people. I've done so many diets in the past - I've been a part of so many different weight loss groups during those years, and all those times I just felt as if I was just another number - someone else who was fat and trudging through the trenches of rice cakes and carrots and celery stalks while all the while eyeing that cheesecake and all-you-can-eat pizza buffet. 

Not today. I've found a group of extraordinary women who come from all walks of life doing exactly the same thing I'm doing - succeeding with a simple plan for weight loss. 

In 7 days I will have completed my 3rd cycle of the 17DD plan and ... if I don't lose anything else in those 7 days, I will still be 16 pounds lighter and 14 inches smaller than I was 51 days ago. I will have managed to eat and enjoy more yogurt and vegetables than I have in at least a year. I will have survived without pizza and hamburgers and bags of chips. And I will be doing just fine. 

This is where timing is important. 

I'm ready. I'm ready to release the fat that surrounds me. I'm ready to release the past the has protected me from living for the future. I'm ready to release the pain I've held onto from a failed relationship - that lasted 25 years. I'm ready to step into my next phase of life...the phase that has me as the mother of a college-bound son in the next year - the phase of a woman who will find herself in the position of living for herself - not her family, not her husband, not her children - for herself. 

I never thought I'd ever look forward to that day. Yet here I am. Ready to move forward in my life. Ready to embrace my 50's as a time of freedom. Ready to greet 52 weighing less than 200 pounds. Ready to find my way back to that woman I once was who had energy and life and the guts to climb any mountain in front of me. 

Somehow - today the timing and the people have come together to help carry me forward. 

For this I am thankful. 

17-day diet: today is #17 and I've done pretty damn good :)

Today is #17. I've made it. I've eaten fruits and vegetables and yogurt. I've drank green tea and survived. 

3 weeks ago I would have told you you're crazy if you said I'd be eating healthier today. 

I have tried every diet out there from Weight Watchers to Jenny Craig to Atkins to South Beach and every little one in between. I've cut calories. I've walked thousands of steps a day. Have I done it all at the same time - well duh...no. That would have been somewhat intelligent - and there is no intelligence when it comes to a fat person trying to lose weight. 

Even when I thought my heart was in it - my stomach wasn't. 

And today - while my muscles still aren't in the game - things have changed. 

I feel lighter. I feel as if my stomach is flatter. OMG - I feel thinner. 

In 17 days. 

Tomorrow, I'll be back home with my scale and my measuring tape to mark my true change. I know there is a loss of weight - a bout 8.5 pounds. There has to be a loss of inches. Even if it's only a 1/2 inch here or there...there's a difference. 

Tomorrow I start cycle 2. I get to start reintroducing carbs into my diet plan. Potatoes? yum. But this morning it was if I didn't really care. How strange. I was almost sad to think a carb was coming back. That's not necessarily good thinking. I have to recognize that reality says carbs exist and will, therefore, appear on my plate periodically. 

It's okay to eat them in moderation. It's okay to eat them if they are healthy. It's not okay to make an entire meal of them. It's not okay to neglect probiotics and veggies and fruit. 

The 17DD is a plan that teaches us how to eat again. The right way. The healthy way. It's carried me well in the past 17 days. I expect it will do the same for the next 17. 

I'm encouraged by the others in the 17DD group on SP. They are women - just like me - who are at various stages in the plan. All of them lose weight. All of them. All of them have issues, concerns, stress, humor and milestones. All of them are still living their lives and sticking to the plan. 

There's no counting, no weighing...just mindful eating. It's so simple. And it works. 

I need to count today as a success - because today I weigh at least 8 pounds less than I did 17 days ago. Tomorrow starts another cycle of 17 days and at the end of it - June 16 - I will weigh less than I do today. Even if it's only 3 or 4 pounds...it's less than before and less is always good. 

I've off to eat an orange...maybe grab a little protein and yogurt to start my day. Then ... 

WATCH OUT WORLD! HERE I COME!