ch-ch-ch-changes

Fine.

I fess up.

Yesterday was a surprising mix of emotions...oddly enough I never really cried. True, my eyes "leaked" as I finally laid down to sleep...but it wasn't an overwhelming sadness...more like the closing of a chapter that I had closed a long time ago only to recognize it today.

I met "her." I did not like "her." I don't get why on earth she would be the "chosen one" over me. But she is and if that is truly the case, I never stood a chance in Hell with this man. I walked away realizing that I was the better woman.

For me to see that is huge.

For as insecure and afraid as I can be, I recognized yesterday that it is not who I outwardly portray. And why is that? Because I really am strong. I really am confident. I really am in control.

And I'm a hell of a lot of fun to be with.

Someone is out there that "gets" me and then I will be "her" for him.

So, yesterday, I walked away. Not from my friendship, but from my anchor.

Today, I am floating to the top...

As if to bolster that change, an opening appeared in a group's meetup that I've been interested in. The meeting is tonight and I'm actually going.

Now, for a lot of people, this isn't a big deal. But for me - the person who prefers to simply hide in my home - this is a huge step toward finding me again.

The meeting is only women (something I have avoided most of my life) and spiritual (not weighted down by Christianity - more overwhelming and all-accepting spirituality) something I've been drawn to for my entire life, but something I've always shied away from because of my Christian roots.

But the pull this time is very strong. Who am I to deny this at this stage in my life?

The changes are necessary for me to grow.

I've got the diet right (my huge splurge last night was very European! Bleu Cheese and wine!) and I'm starting to let go of dead weight (sorry John). I've spent the past 5 years trying to find my footing so I can move forward - and maybe, today, the time is now.

So - 30 pounds lighter and emotionally single, I step into the light of the universe and try to discover this mysterious world of women and earthly spiritualism. (sounds Wicca...no...that's not where this is going...at least not yet...)

I will let everyone know how tonight's Water Elemental goes (that's the lesson for this evening) and I will keep ya'll posted on my attempts at coming out of my shell and stepping into the big and beautiful world surrounding us all.

"I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence..." 

women vs men - today's assessment only

This is not going to endear me to anyone...especially most women out there.  Tomorrow, I may feel differently and I won't doubt that change in emotional connection with my fellow human.  But today I'm hurt. Today, I remember why I've alway kept myself removed from most groups.

I don't like women.

For the most part - women are bitchy and back stabbing.

Yes, yes, I know...they can also be kind, loving, generous, supportive and dependable.

But God forbid, cross one, or let her think she's been crossed and out come the claws.

Men are not like that - and that is why I have always surrounded myself with male friends.  Even the gays one weren't nearly as backstabbing and bitchy as most of the women I've known.

This isn't the case with all women.  Believe me, I'm not trying to make this black or white.  There have been a few women who have stood by me - through thick and thin - dating, marriage, divorce, and single parenthood.  These women I can count on one hand.  Precisely two fingers.

We (women) expect other women to stay in our lives forever.  Sisterhood and all that crap.  So, when you have a falling out with your "sister" it's entirely devastating.  You cry, you throw things and you swear you will never trust again.  When I've had a falling out with a male friend...oh wait...I haven't had one.  Sorry.  My mistake.  With men, they just gradually disappear from your life...like evolving into their next adventure.  Sometimes the man is there, and sometimes he isn't.  But the bridges are not burned.  Heck, they don't even tend to realized they've drifted away.

Because it's different with men.

If you have a disagreement with a male friend - they don't tend to take it personally.  It's a disagreement for god's sake - not a knife in the heart of your first born.  But women?

No, we tend to get overly emotional whether we want to or not.  It is personal.  It's always personal.  All women know that.  Even when they say it's not - it always is.

I have never been hurt more by another human being as I have been hurt by a female friend.  Funny...even after 23 years of marriage - the pain I felt during the end was only equal to the betrayal of trust I first experience from another woman.

So why is it there are women everywhere who SWEAR by their BFF's? What's with the sisterhood?  Who are these women that take their friends up into their arms to love and protect?

I'm thrilled for all those women out there that have this very circle of females surrounding them.  I'm happy they feel supported.  I'm surprised they feel trust and a blind dependence - but if it works and serves them well, more power to them.

For me?  I've tried.  Repeatedly.  I tried when I was a kid - I tried in high school (and actually found the two that are still in my life and my heart) - I tried in my 20's, my 30's, my 40's.  Nothing. Nada.  they were there when it served them...but when it stopped being good for both parties, they disappeared on me, never to resurface.

The men during these times?  Sure they are also scarce...but I'm comforted in the fact that they didn't disappear because I no longer served a purpose.  They just got caught up in their own worlds and slipped away.  If I were to call, 90% would show up at my door tomorrow.  Of the women from those same years?  I'd venture that less than 40% would show.

Yes...this is a whiny bitch session for one.  I don't expect anyone else to join in or agree with me.  I'm only putting it out there because I've been hurt again.  Not by a man...but by a group of women I called "friend."  I didn't see it coming...as usual...because I trusted them.

I never expect to be coddled, or to have everyone always agree with me.  But I also didn't expect to be shut down because of an assumption.  I didn't expect them to gather together like a band of sharks at the first hint of blood in the water.

I certainly never expected to be as hurt as I am by their words and their assumptions.

And while several other woman have come out and declared their love and support - I accept it with a grain of salt - not because they have hurt me, but because I feel like a wounded animal who is afraid to trust again.

It's a man's world out there...and while it's driven into power by the women - it is managed by the men.  There might be a reason for this...and while the thought of those reasons scare me - I can understand.

A man will lie to your face.  A woman will lie behind your back.

At least you know where you stand with the man.