The sigh of relief

Biopsy's are scary things.

Just being told you need to have one can strike fear in the best of us.  For me, it became a flood of "what if's" and a constant reminder to breathe until the results are in my hand.

Last week I had a major health scare.  I didn't tell many people...maybe only four because I didn't want to be seen as over-reacting.  I chose three of those four people carefully.  One is a friend who was diagnosed recently with cancer and has gone through treatment of varying stages throughout the past year and 1/2. Another was a stable...very grounded family member....someone I could depend on to get me through.  The third was my son.  I have never kept anything from him and this was something he needed to know - at the very least to understand why I was on edge.  The fourth was my ex-husband because he called right after I left the doctor.

I knew when I walked into the doctor's office what she was going to do. I hate pain and I knew the biopsy would hurt like a SOB.  It did. And I cried. I'm not sure how much was due to pain and how much was due to fear - but the tears leaked from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

When a person is faced with uncertainty, I believe they fall back and re-examine a lot of their lives.  I know I did.

If I were to die tomorrow, what would be my regrets? Would I even have any? Have I done what I want to do? Do I even like the person I am?

In short, I realized that I do like me and that my real regrets were for the future that may not be so real for me.  Understand, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life - but I'm not really sorry.  I've done alright.  I have an amazing son and have had some great adventures.

I still want to see Europe.

I still want to visit all 50 states.

I still want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

But other than that, I've done okay.  My son said it best after he told me that he would stay within the moment and deal with the "worse-case scenario" only if that was our reality. He said - if he were to lose me today, he couldn't have asked for a better mother or a better upbringing. He has no regrets when it comes to his childhood.

I cried.

I've done that a lot in the last week...quietly in the dark after going to bed.  I'm not ready to leave this life.  I'm not done.  Damn it - I didn't see this possibility coming and I don't want to expend the effort to deal with it.

And that is as far as I allowed myself to go down that path.  No further.  Not until I had something tangible in my hands.

Today, I received my "unofficial" results.

There is no cancer.  No pre-cancerous cells.

Even the small pity-party journey I allowed myself to take was overkill and paranoia.  I'm going to be fine.  And while there is no definitive reason as to the condition I have - it is not cancer.  Whatever it is will not try to kill me.

I have survived to fight another day.

Today is NOT a good day to die, and for that I am thankful.

slow down...the corner is coming too fast...

So what's wrong with me?

My son says I've changed.  That's new.  I've never had my son tell me that.

My ex did. I've had friends tell me that.  Even family.  But my son?

nope. That's a new one.

So what's different?

My life is changing around me and I have no control over it.  That's nothing new - but the circumstances are changing.

My son is growing up.  Hell, he's already grown up through no fault of his.  Life threw him a curve ball early on and he hit it out of the park.

But is that a good thing?

I will never know, because it is what it is and I can't change the past.

So I'm trying to control the future - and it's not mine to control.

I love him. I'm proud of him. I trust him to make the right decisions and choices and twists and turns that come with life.  I'm just not prepared to let him go.  Actually, I'm not prepared to let go period.

Why?

Because I have nothing to grab onto.

In my past, I've had three things...
1.  What will I be when I grow up?
2.  My husband
3.  My son

I'm grown up, divorced and the mother of a high school junior.  I'm done.  I spent 25 years holding onto and guiding my husband and I will have spent 18+ years doing the same for my son.

I understand that now it's my time.  Terri time.

But I don't know what that means.  I can't see the paths.  I don't know what's around the corner.

And unlike that girl of 19 - this time I'm scared.

Love the one you're with

He says I'm beautiful.

And smart.

And funny.

And kind.

He makes me laugh and has a way of bringing me up when I feel down or frustrated.  He always seems to put a smile on my face.  He can also make me blush...and for some reason, I look forward to his IM's popping up on my screen at work.

And I don't know why.

I really don't see what he sees.  Yes, I believe I'm intelligent and funny.  I know I am kind.  But beautiful?  Nah...not really seeing that.  But they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I'm not going to argue with him.

So why am I here blogging about this?

Because I'm truly confused.  For everything I've said that's positive about this man, I'm not that attracted to him.  Even though he stirs feelings inside of me - I'm not sure how far I want to take things with him.  And I don't know why.

I'm beyond the age of judging a person simply on their looks. No...I've grown in that I see beyond the physical and can peer deep down into the soul.  Look for the heart and not the head of hair.  Look into the eyes and not measure the girth of his belly.

We are so very much more than the outer casings we try so hard to maintain for everyone's approval.  We are more than height and weight and hair color.  More than a bra size.  More than ... well, you get the idea.  So that's not it...completely...

He's such a nice person - and for some reason he really is interested in me.  And that's the complication.

He reminds me of the other person in and out of my life.  The one that has my heart. The one that has no idea what to do with it so he runs the other way.  The one who reminded me what it's like to love and be loved.

This man reminds me of him.

And that confuses the hell out of me.

So I think until I sort it all out - until I can differentiate the feelings in my heart and in my head - until I can hear this man's words and not the other one's voice - I think I need to play my cards close to my chest.

Afterall...that is where my heart is...