How existential of me to ask that. And really, if I were philosophizing on my true meaning - my true reason for existence - then I think it would take up an entire book and not a blog entry.
No, the question is much simpler than that.
One of the ways I know to make money when I depart for my "epic journey of lateness" and explore the US in a motorhome (est.2015) is to write. Yay! Writing.
Easy enough.
But how do you make money at it? I don't mean $25 here and there, I mean $1000/month. Or more. Well, I understand I need to establish myself as a writer in a freelance world. I need to have stories and an angle and a friend in the publishing business.
Crap.
I actually need to work at this.
So where to start? What do I know? Always write about what you know. Easy.
But what do I know? Really know?
And that's where the problem seems to exist for me.
Here's what I know...REALLY know:
How to persevere
How to raise a child
How to be a single mom
How to live (or not live) with someone who has a terrible addiction
How to juggle life - not always successfully
I know what it's like to be withdrawn, what it's like to hide. I know what it's like to pretend you are someone else.
I know the experience of acting - from a chorus role to the lead in a musical - and everything behind the scenes.
How to have a successful marriage
How to have a successful and angst-free divorce
How to be honest
But beyond that - I'm not an expert in anything. I have my passions, but I don't consider myself to be an expert in any field. I can tell stories and have a sardonic wit. I can see the humor in just about everything. I am the first to laugh at myself. And I find myself a little afraid of everything around me.
Insecurity is a bitch. If I were to look at myself on paper, without knowing it was me, I would be mightily impress with the strength of that woman. But knowing it's me - I just know that I did what every other person in this world does - I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes through mud or windstorms, or blizzards, or floods. Sometimes through the most beautiful of sunny days.
I am no different than anyone else.
Except I have a way to find my voice and the voice of others. I have the talent to put that voice out there and allow my experiences to be heard.
Is that voice publishable?
Is there anything I can say that hasn't already been said? That someone wants to hear?
I have no idea.
And I don't think I will really ever know the answer to that unless I start to write from the heart. Not a blog - but something more marketable. An article. An opinion column. Something to sell to a small paper or two or twenty or more.
Maybe a weekly piece would be enough to carry me forward as a writer and as a way to finance my adventure through space. Maybe those stories on the road will become a future book (yes! even with pictures!), or at the very least, a small voice heard by a few souls who still read.
I understand that today is the day I need to figure it all out. I can't wait until I'm on the road to test the waters. The time is now...
The first step is always the most frightening. From my experience, the next few steps after that aren't so easy either...
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Melancholy - contemplation on life today...
I tend toward the extremes in life sometimes. I'm either up or I'm down. The inbetween is most likely a melancholy.
That's today.
I saw it coming. In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now. And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.
There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage. The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times. It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.
I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye. Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times. Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back. I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it. It's subconscious on my part.
But today I went through 3 boxes. And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's. I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001. Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us. And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years. But the '80's...they were some good, good times.
With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.
I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide.
And this has always saddened me. The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.
Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving. People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate.
The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving.
This is what I need to remember and focus on.
The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories. And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly. I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together.
I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones. I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.
I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.
Imagine all the people
living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one
<em>26</em>
That's today.
I saw it coming. In the last week I've been tired and at a low ebb. It's colored how I see things in life right now. And while - generally speaking - I'm a happy and optimistic person, I'm starting to feel myself turn inward.
There are so many things I need to do - primarily rid my life of boxes and boxes of stuff in my garage. The pile is so much smaller than it was years ago - but letting go is difficult at times. It's also difficult because I tend toward strong memories - and these boxes are full of them.
I learned at a very early age that life can change in the blink of an eye. Because of that I've gone through life "making memories" of people and times. Where most people in this world just go through a day - I tend to focus on something to remember - something to hold onto and something that will bring the memories back. I've done this so long that I really don't realize I'm doing it. It's subconscious on my part.
But today I went through 3 boxes. And while I ended up throwing or giving most of their contents away, I held onto a small shoebox of cards and letters - all from the 1980's. I found a phone book of people that are mostly no longer in my life; wedding cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards - mostly from my mom who died Oct 2, 2001. Cards my ex-husband and I gave to one another during those 1st few years of our marriage - those incredibly happy years when nothing could drive a wedge between us. And while I gave that marriage everything, alcoholism divided us and I called it quits after almost 25 years. But the '80's...they were some good, good times.
With what has happened in Norway, and what continues to happen in our world today - with the bickering and BS of our own political parties and our own seemingly willingness to implode - my heart is heavy.
I'm saddened because of the pain felt worldwide.
And this has always saddened me. The hunger, the fear, the death, the hatred - sometimes it just all seems overwhelming.
Yet, I know there are many more people who are kind and loving. People who put others before themselves and unselfishly stand beside those less fortunate.
The world is more kind than hateful - more loving and more giving.
This is what I need to remember and focus on.
The lives of those I loved in the past are forever with me in my memories. And while I cannot bring them back physically, I can live with the knowledge that I gave them my heart willingly and knowingly. I allowed myself to be open to them and to remember our times together.
I pray that those people who are hurting today - both in Norway and elsewhere in this world - can find that they also made memories of each and every day they were with their loved ones. I pray that they find the comfort of these memories in the future when the severity of their loss and their pain starts to subside.
I pray that - together - we can find comfort and peace and give enough love to one another so that others may never know the heartache of terroristic death.
Imagine all the people
living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer
but i'm not the only one
<em>26</em>
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
They say it's your birthday...
Woo!
I have a birthday and oddly enough, it's today. Just like it was last year and the year before that...and so it goes back, back, into the dark ages of time. Back to a world that exists only in black and white pictures and broken Super 8 film, sticking and burning in an ancient Kodak projector.
Where I am today is never a place I thought about back in the world I use to live in...that world of Ed Sullivan and Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom, of "Sing Along with Mitch Miller" and Elvis Presley albums, of climbing the old apricot tree in the back yard and digging to China in my mother's garden and playing in the old paneled wagon with Jeff and Bryan pretending we were soldiers trying to avoid capture by the Nazi's during the days of the Vietnam War.
What have I seen in my lifetime? What has happened in the past 50 years...now that I'm 51 and what has shaped the person I've become?
And am I any different that that girl with the long blonde pigtails? Is there a difference between that tomboy of 1968 and the single mom of 2010?
In my lifetime I've lived through the toddler years of Rock & Roll, survived Disco, Punk and Grunge and have questioned the reasoning behind Rap. All in all - it's been a wondrous life of music, though my son swears I was lucky enough to live through the best decades EVER when it comes to Rock. My stories of concerts during the '70's can easily elicit a glazed over expression of envy the likes I never even considered.
I've lived through 4 or 5 wars (assuming one counts Grenada?) with Vietnam still etched into my memory as a horrible vision shown nightly on TV. My prayers always included a line asking God to end the war in Vietnam. Even after it had finally ended, I repeated the line nightly for years because my prayers had simply become a habit. My feelings toward war have not changed in the last 50 years. I have studied all the wars, the history behind them, the strategies, the outcomes, the battles, the bullshit - and I still have the same opinion that I've always had. War is simply two men (always a man) who have issues with each other - usually involving one having something the other wants. They then gather all the people under them and force these people to "go get it" from the other guy. Sometimes, the people have to be told it is in their best interest, that the other guys are evil and will kill us all if we don't stop them. War is stupid. People die for reasons that are usually ridiculous. Families are destroyed because of the will of someone who doesn't care. Even today - (and yes, I understand what has happened in the US in the last 20 years) - we have simply traded the fear/threat of Communism for the fear/treat of Al Qaeda. It's always steeped in truth, but it has grown to ridiculous proportions by being fed through ignorance and fear.
Nope. War has not changed in my lifetime. It has only, like music, evolved.
What else has happened in the last 50 years? Politics? Nope - different people - same Bull Shit.
Society? You would think with all the opportunities to educate ourselves, more people would take advantage of knowledge. But no. That really hasn't changed either. The people who will grow and be valuable to our world will take the initiative and learn. The ones who are lazy and expect the world to cater to them, will sit on their asses and wait for a hand out. It's no different today than it was 50 years ago...though sometimes, in my darker times, I think there are more lazy ass people looking for their piece of assumed heaven. But really? No, I think it's the same just dressed a little differently.
So what has changed?
Nothing.
We are still people. We are still human. We love. We hate. We are afraid of things we don't understand. We find pleasure in the simple things around us. We are hungry. We are rich. We want only what is basic to survive. We want it all. We are no different than we were at the start of 1960. Our society on a whole has changed and evolved with the ebbs of the tide.
I want to be better than that. I want to have grown. But, even as an individual - I know how difficult change can be. I want things to be different, but I didn't do whatever was necessary in my past to make things different. I still wish I was sitting in Bob's car cruising State College, or hanging out at Bill's cool apartment on Lemon Street, or trading shots from a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the Fort at Pioneer Park.
I want to do more dancing in LA with Mark. I want to go see "Animal House" one more time at the Orange Drive-in. I want to see another concert at the Golden Bear in Huntington Beach.
I want to be happy and loved in 2011, but I still want to relive 1979 over and over again.
How can I expect the world to change around me for the better - how can I expect people to grow and evolve in this society - when I'm not willing to let go of my past?
What do I want as I move into my 52nd year on this earth?
What I've always wanted. I want Peace. I want Love. I want Happiness.
But most importantly - I want to make this world a better place for my son so that when he is 50, he can look back and see the change I never saw.
I have a birthday and oddly enough, it's today. Just like it was last year and the year before that...and so it goes back, back, into the dark ages of time. Back to a world that exists only in black and white pictures and broken Super 8 film, sticking and burning in an ancient Kodak projector.
Where I am today is never a place I thought about back in the world I use to live in...that world of Ed Sullivan and Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom, of "Sing Along with Mitch Miller" and Elvis Presley albums, of climbing the old apricot tree in the back yard and digging to China in my mother's garden and playing in the old paneled wagon with Jeff and Bryan pretending we were soldiers trying to avoid capture by the Nazi's during the days of the Vietnam War.
What have I seen in my lifetime? What has happened in the past 50 years...now that I'm 51 and what has shaped the person I've become?
And am I any different that that girl with the long blonde pigtails? Is there a difference between that tomboy of 1968 and the single mom of 2010?
In my lifetime I've lived through the toddler years of Rock & Roll, survived Disco, Punk and Grunge and have questioned the reasoning behind Rap. All in all - it's been a wondrous life of music, though my son swears I was lucky enough to live through the best decades EVER when it comes to Rock. My stories of concerts during the '70's can easily elicit a glazed over expression of envy the likes I never even considered.
I've lived through 4 or 5 wars (assuming one counts Grenada?) with Vietnam still etched into my memory as a horrible vision shown nightly on TV. My prayers always included a line asking God to end the war in Vietnam. Even after it had finally ended, I repeated the line nightly for years because my prayers had simply become a habit. My feelings toward war have not changed in the last 50 years. I have studied all the wars, the history behind them, the strategies, the outcomes, the battles, the bullshit - and I still have the same opinion that I've always had. War is simply two men (always a man) who have issues with each other - usually involving one having something the other wants. They then gather all the people under them and force these people to "go get it" from the other guy. Sometimes, the people have to be told it is in their best interest, that the other guys are evil and will kill us all if we don't stop them. War is stupid. People die for reasons that are usually ridiculous. Families are destroyed because of the will of someone who doesn't care. Even today - (and yes, I understand what has happened in the US in the last 20 years) - we have simply traded the fear/threat of Communism for the fear/treat of Al Qaeda. It's always steeped in truth, but it has grown to ridiculous proportions by being fed through ignorance and fear.
Nope. War has not changed in my lifetime. It has only, like music, evolved.
What else has happened in the last 50 years? Politics? Nope - different people - same Bull Shit.
Society? You would think with all the opportunities to educate ourselves, more people would take advantage of knowledge. But no. That really hasn't changed either. The people who will grow and be valuable to our world will take the initiative and learn. The ones who are lazy and expect the world to cater to them, will sit on their asses and wait for a hand out. It's no different today than it was 50 years ago...though sometimes, in my darker times, I think there are more lazy ass people looking for their piece of assumed heaven. But really? No, I think it's the same just dressed a little differently.
So what has changed?
Nothing.
We are still people. We are still human. We love. We hate. We are afraid of things we don't understand. We find pleasure in the simple things around us. We are hungry. We are rich. We want only what is basic to survive. We want it all. We are no different than we were at the start of 1960. Our society on a whole has changed and evolved with the ebbs of the tide.
I want to be better than that. I want to have grown. But, even as an individual - I know how difficult change can be. I want things to be different, but I didn't do whatever was necessary in my past to make things different. I still wish I was sitting in Bob's car cruising State College, or hanging out at Bill's cool apartment on Lemon Street, or trading shots from a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the Fort at Pioneer Park.
I want to do more dancing in LA with Mark. I want to go see "Animal House" one more time at the Orange Drive-in. I want to see another concert at the Golden Bear in Huntington Beach.
I want to be happy and loved in 2011, but I still want to relive 1979 over and over again.
How can I expect the world to change around me for the better - how can I expect people to grow and evolve in this society - when I'm not willing to let go of my past?
What do I want as I move into my 52nd year on this earth?
What I've always wanted. I want Peace. I want Love. I want Happiness.
But most importantly - I want to make this world a better place for my son so that when he is 50, he can look back and see the change I never saw.
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