The day after...

If anyone is following my blog - you'll know that I was finally going to meet with a counselor yesterday concerning my divorce. A quick background: I divorced my husband (it was final in 2008) after 25 years of marriage. The last 6 of them he was a raging alcoholic. While my marriage had years and years of great times, they were almost all eradicated by the last 6. If you have never lived with an alcoholic - please, count your blessings. For those of you who have - I know you understand a lot of what I went through in those years.

I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.

Well...no. I haven't. 

He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.

He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.

I was done. I told him not to come back.

Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.

So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father. 

So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad. 

It's time to walk away.

And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.

Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.

Learning to move forward - lose the anger, find the love

Let me start this out by saying I'm okay...frustrated, but okay. And in an odd way, I may have crossed a major issue in my weight loss journey - or actually, what causes me to have issues with weight loss. 

A little background on me: I divorced in 2008 after being married for 24 years. I met my ex in 1981, married in 1984, moved to Alaska in 1989, had our son in 1994. My father-in-law died unexpectedly in 2000 then my mother passed in 2001 - almost a year later and right after 9/11. By the start of 2002 my son and I were living with a full fledge alcoholic. The next 5 years were hell. On my 23rd anniversary, I put my ex on a plane to Washington for his 4th attempt at recovery. I told him not to come back. By June 2007, my son and I packed our car and drove to Texas to start over. The plus side of all this - my ex has been sober since September 2006.

As any other single parent can tell you, the past few years have been difficult - but I wouldn't change the choice of divorce for anything. It was a difficult decision - but the right one. My son and I are fine. 

My ex followed us to Texas, but was respectful enough to live 1.5 hours away. He is not in my face. There have been events good and bad - but all in all, we are friends. I loved him for over 25 years - I'm too damned old to be angry. 

And that may be the problem. There are times I still am. There are things that he says or does that bring it all back up - the anger, the nightmares, the frustration - it all comes back. 

I try. I do. I don't want to have these emotions come back. I want to move forward. I want to find someone else to love and be loved by. I know the only way to move forward is to forgive. I thought I had. I seriously worked hard to let it all go. It's not like it's the first "trauma" that I've experienced. I'm strong - I know I am. So for me to still get as angry as I do about his actions (or lack thereof) is almost baffling. 

So...after months of my son asking me to get counseling - I'm doing it. I meet with a counselor tomorrow afternoon. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired. 

And what does this have to do with my weight loss journey? 

I'm an emotional eater. I have spent the past 17 years punishing myself with my weight. It's like I have an inner voice that says I don't deserve to be a healthy weight. It's like when I get angry at someone I love that I punish myself by destroying my weight. Always. Everytime I've experienced the anger, the frustration, the emotional crap - I eat. 

Today I realized I didn't eat like that. And I didn't do it yesterday. Or last week. Or the week before that. (believe me - there has been cause) 

This is huge. 

I'm not sure I'm "cured" but I have a control that I've never had before. I'm not sure exactly why. It's not that I've lost weight, because that has never worked before. It's not because I'm communicating with my SP friends - or my son - because I also tend to hide or hermitize myself as I like to call it. So, no...that's not it. 

I really don't know why. 

But I'm glad. 

Maybe...I'm really moving forward this time.

The many Surprises of Facebook

My son informed me that while I was out last night - Hell had officially frozen over.

His father - my ex - is now on Facebook.

Oh. Dear. God. No.

While most people share the ever-entwining paths of Facebook with lovers and friends and exes of every imaginable existence - I have been blessed with a technologically deficient ex-husband who has shuddered at the thought of moving into the 21st century.  He has repeatedly informed me that socializing sites are a complete waste of time and not a valid use of what the internet has to offer.  And while I disagree with his take on Social Networks, I have quietly reveled in the knowledge that I was free to be who I am to a network filled with strangers.

True...I shuddered when older family members joined the ranks of Facebook - but I've come to realize it's easier  to stay in touch this way than forgetting to send out yet another round of Christmas letters every year.

But my ex?

Oh. Hell. No.

While I admit I truly loved the man and believed him to be my soulmate on this earth - we've completely grown in opposite directions.  There is a reason he is my ex.  I feel no animosity toward him, nor do I wish him anything other that peace, love and goodwill.  But...I do NOT want him reading about my day to day life, nor am I willing to censor what I say and do on Facebook.

I understand that most people don't care one way or the other what I say or do on Facebook.  He may be among those people.  But have you noticed that each time you add a new friend - somewhere in the back of your head - you wonder if they will judge you for saying "fuck"?  I guarantee if my mother were still alive, my statuses would be entirely different.

I'm thankful I'm as technologically literate as I am.  I have blocked my account from most of the curious out there who wander the internet cloaked as stalkers seeping into the lives of unsuspecting marks.  He cannot see  that I had a date last night, or am pissy about working 70 hour weeks, or bitchy about lack of parental support for our son.

But I can see his Wall.

So I did what any other ex would do and I looked at his Facebook info.

SONOFABITCH if the first thing I see is a comment asking him when his upcoming wedding is.  WHAT THE FUCK???

Seriously?

Further down is another comment...this time from a woman...greeting him with love from his future wife.  And not just any woman...the woman he is "renting a room from."

So...all this time I was thinking he was a loser for not having a place of his own - for feeling bad for him because he was trying to get back on his feet - he's been "renting a room" from a woman who thanks him for last night????

Jealous? No.  Pissed off because I was COMPLETELY in the dark about this? Absolutely!

I've told him repeatedly that I wish only love for him - that I want him to find someone who loves him and looks at him the way I use to.  I want him happy.  So maybe he could tell me?  Or at the very least, tell his son?

I've always known that if you want to keep things quiet - the last thing you do is post it on Facebook.

Obviously, my ex missed that part in his lessons on navigating the "highway of tubes."