Thankful to those who motivate me...thankful for today

On Sunday, I was named June's most motivational member for the 17 day diet team at SparkPeople. 

I'm truly honored and humbled by this gift. 

I don't think I do anything exceptional - or anything I don't like having done for myself. 

It's important to me to have daily motivation - I need to have that daily pep talk to keep me on the right path. And sometimes, no matter how much "pep" I'm giving - no matter how many people tell me I'm doing fine and on the right path - I just can't seem to move forward. In the past, I've fallen by the wayside and no one has seemed to notice me lying there. No one comes over to pick me up and dust me off. 

So I lay there feeling sorry for myself. I roll over and eat whatever I can find. I wallow in the mud and cry in my beer and force feed myself until I'm bloated. Then I roll down the hill, find a way to stand back up and then slowly try climbing back up the mountain. 

It sucks sometimes. The self-pity and self-destruction I find myself caught within. 

But today I'm still trudging up that mountain. And everyday it gets a little easier. I'm not sure why but I think it may be a combination of timing and support. The support of a wonderful group of people I happened to fall in with here on SparkPeople. I'm not sure how I got so lucky - but they have been some of the most loving and open people I've found in the cyberworld. 

We are all at SparkPeople for the same reason - because we are finding a balance with food and are getting healthier while learning to eat better. Everyday we get closer to our goals. Everyday we find a way to cheer each other onward and upward. 

I'm just adding my voice to the group as we trudged together up our mountain. Somehow, the group thought my voice was valid and motivational. I'm touched...touched to the point of tears. 

In all my years of battling my weight, I've never felt such love from a group of people. I've done so many diets in the past - I've been a part of so many different weight loss groups during those years, and all those times I just felt as if I was just another number - someone else who was fat and trudging through the trenches of rice cakes and carrots and celery stalks while all the while eyeing that cheesecake and all-you-can-eat pizza buffet. 

Not today. I've found a group of extraordinary women who come from all walks of life doing exactly the same thing I'm doing - succeeding with a simple plan for weight loss. 

In 7 days I will have completed my 3rd cycle of the 17DD plan and ... if I don't lose anything else in those 7 days, I will still be 16 pounds lighter and 14 inches smaller than I was 51 days ago. I will have managed to eat and enjoy more yogurt and vegetables than I have in at least a year. I will have survived without pizza and hamburgers and bags of chips. And I will be doing just fine. 

This is where timing is important. 

I'm ready. I'm ready to release the fat that surrounds me. I'm ready to release the past the has protected me from living for the future. I'm ready to release the pain I've held onto from a failed relationship - that lasted 25 years. I'm ready to step into my next phase of life...the phase that has me as the mother of a college-bound son in the next year - the phase of a woman who will find herself in the position of living for herself - not her family, not her husband, not her children - for herself. 

I never thought I'd ever look forward to that day. Yet here I am. Ready to move forward in my life. Ready to embrace my 50's as a time of freedom. Ready to greet 52 weighing less than 200 pounds. Ready to find my way back to that woman I once was who had energy and life and the guts to climb any mountain in front of me. 

Somehow - today the timing and the people have come together to help carry me forward. 

For this I am thankful. 

The day after...

If anyone is following my blog - you'll know that I was finally going to meet with a counselor yesterday concerning my divorce. A quick background: I divorced my husband (it was final in 2008) after 25 years of marriage. The last 6 of them he was a raging alcoholic. While my marriage had years and years of great times, they were almost all eradicated by the last 6. If you have never lived with an alcoholic - please, count your blessings. For those of you who have - I know you understand a lot of what I went through in those years.

I thought I was over everything - I thought I had found my peace and had moved on.

Well...no. I haven't. 

He still makes me angry. Not mad. Angry. I still get nightmares. I still feel that lost feeling I felt when I was searching for an escape.

He's been sober since September 2006 - the day I put him on a plane just after our 23rd anniversary for his 4th and what seems to be his final attempt at sobriety.

I was done. I told him not to come back.

Well - the counselor listened to my tale of woe and asked me why I hadn't let go yet. I told her I thought I had. Nope, she said. But she would help.

So...I feel freer already. I'm ready to be done with him. My son is 17 and has one more year of high school before he goes away to college. He's the person he is today because of who he is and how I've nurtured him. He is also a product of his environment - and he's come out on the other side better for what he's been through. The bottom line is - my son is who he is despite of his father. There is no reason for our son for me to hold onto his father. 

So why am I holding on? Because it's hard to let go after 30 years. I was 21 when I met him. 24 when we married. 48 when we divorced. I've known him over 1/2 my life. Good and bad. 

It's time to walk away.

And when I do - the counselor seems to think I'll let a lot more go...my weight, my fear of dating, my settling for life without the strength to move forward.

Today IS the first day of the rest of my life.

Learning to move forward - lose the anger, find the love

Let me start this out by saying I'm okay...frustrated, but okay. And in an odd way, I may have crossed a major issue in my weight loss journey - or actually, what causes me to have issues with weight loss. 

A little background on me: I divorced in 2008 after being married for 24 years. I met my ex in 1981, married in 1984, moved to Alaska in 1989, had our son in 1994. My father-in-law died unexpectedly in 2000 then my mother passed in 2001 - almost a year later and right after 9/11. By the start of 2002 my son and I were living with a full fledge alcoholic. The next 5 years were hell. On my 23rd anniversary, I put my ex on a plane to Washington for his 4th attempt at recovery. I told him not to come back. By June 2007, my son and I packed our car and drove to Texas to start over. The plus side of all this - my ex has been sober since September 2006.

As any other single parent can tell you, the past few years have been difficult - but I wouldn't change the choice of divorce for anything. It was a difficult decision - but the right one. My son and I are fine. 

My ex followed us to Texas, but was respectful enough to live 1.5 hours away. He is not in my face. There have been events good and bad - but all in all, we are friends. I loved him for over 25 years - I'm too damned old to be angry. 

And that may be the problem. There are times I still am. There are things that he says or does that bring it all back up - the anger, the nightmares, the frustration - it all comes back. 

I try. I do. I don't want to have these emotions come back. I want to move forward. I want to find someone else to love and be loved by. I know the only way to move forward is to forgive. I thought I had. I seriously worked hard to let it all go. It's not like it's the first "trauma" that I've experienced. I'm strong - I know I am. So for me to still get as angry as I do about his actions (or lack thereof) is almost baffling. 

So...after months of my son asking me to get counseling - I'm doing it. I meet with a counselor tomorrow afternoon. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired. 

And what does this have to do with my weight loss journey? 

I'm an emotional eater. I have spent the past 17 years punishing myself with my weight. It's like I have an inner voice that says I don't deserve to be a healthy weight. It's like when I get angry at someone I love that I punish myself by destroying my weight. Always. Everytime I've experienced the anger, the frustration, the emotional crap - I eat. 

Today I realized I didn't eat like that. And I didn't do it yesterday. Or last week. Or the week before that. (believe me - there has been cause) 

This is huge. 

I'm not sure I'm "cured" but I have a control that I've never had before. I'm not sure exactly why. It's not that I've lost weight, because that has never worked before. It's not because I'm communicating with my SP friends - or my son - because I also tend to hide or hermitize myself as I like to call it. So, no...that's not it. 

I really don't know why. 

But I'm glad. 

Maybe...I'm really moving forward this time.

17-day diet: today is #17 and I've done pretty damn good :)

Today is #17. I've made it. I've eaten fruits and vegetables and yogurt. I've drank green tea and survived. 

3 weeks ago I would have told you you're crazy if you said I'd be eating healthier today. 

I have tried every diet out there from Weight Watchers to Jenny Craig to Atkins to South Beach and every little one in between. I've cut calories. I've walked thousands of steps a day. Have I done it all at the same time - well duh...no. That would have been somewhat intelligent - and there is no intelligence when it comes to a fat person trying to lose weight. 

Even when I thought my heart was in it - my stomach wasn't. 

And today - while my muscles still aren't in the game - things have changed. 

I feel lighter. I feel as if my stomach is flatter. OMG - I feel thinner. 

In 17 days. 

Tomorrow, I'll be back home with my scale and my measuring tape to mark my true change. I know there is a loss of weight - a bout 8.5 pounds. There has to be a loss of inches. Even if it's only a 1/2 inch here or there...there's a difference. 

Tomorrow I start cycle 2. I get to start reintroducing carbs into my diet plan. Potatoes? yum. But this morning it was if I didn't really care. How strange. I was almost sad to think a carb was coming back. That's not necessarily good thinking. I have to recognize that reality says carbs exist and will, therefore, appear on my plate periodically. 

It's okay to eat them in moderation. It's okay to eat them if they are healthy. It's not okay to make an entire meal of them. It's not okay to neglect probiotics and veggies and fruit. 

The 17DD is a plan that teaches us how to eat again. The right way. The healthy way. It's carried me well in the past 17 days. I expect it will do the same for the next 17. 

I'm encouraged by the others in the 17DD group on SP. They are women - just like me - who are at various stages in the plan. All of them lose weight. All of them. All of them have issues, concerns, stress, humor and milestones. All of them are still living their lives and sticking to the plan. 

There's no counting, no weighing...just mindful eating. It's so simple. And it works. 

I need to count today as a success - because today I weigh at least 8 pounds less than I did 17 days ago. Tomorrow starts another cycle of 17 days and at the end of it - June 16 - I will weigh less than I do today. Even if it's only 3 or 4 pounds...it's less than before and less is always good. 

I've off to eat an orange...maybe grab a little protein and yogurt to start my day. Then ... 

WATCH OUT WORLD! HERE I COME!  

Day 2 of Starting all over (again) - 17 day diet C1D1 update

Stress.

It has destroyed more than one good intention in my life.

This time, I was so frustrated, I allowed myself to stop looking at weight loss as a positive thing and gave into the demons that keep me fat.  As if being fat was a gift of rebellion - a gift of pride.

Screw that.

I'm back.

Again.

And this time the frustration has led to anger then to determination.  This is where I should be.  Always.  Determined to win.  And winning is losing and getting "me" back.

Yesterday I started the "17-day Diet" after much, much, research.  I don't expect miracles, but it all makes sense that you are eating healthier and therefore will lose weight.  I didn't get hungry yesterday, though I did have cravings.

Yesterday was also a high stress day out of the blue.  And by high stress, I mean the type that sucker punches you in the gut when you least expect it.  The kind that comes out of thin air with a surprise you never saw coming.  The left field kind of shock.  Yet, when it was all said and done - it only made me wiser and realize that I really am on the right path - for me.  The hurt and shock I experienced yesterday is done.  It can't happen again, because now I've experienced it - learned from it - and am now in the moving on stage.  All in a matter of hours.

That never happens.

And through it all, I grabbed a glass of water, or a cup of green tea instead of a beer or a glass of wine.  I ate a slab of chicken instead of a hunk of bread.  I snacked on veggies instead of potato chips.  And I went to bed satisfied.

C1D1 of 17-day diet.  I weighed myself this past friday - started the diet yesterday - weighed in this morning.  Down 4.2 pounds.  Is this realistic?  Obviously it's a lot of water...no possible way to lose 4 pounds of fat in one day...but I like the number.  The scale is moving in the right direction and I have 16 more days to go on cycle one.  I'll be thrilled to move it down another 3.8 pounds.  But I promise not to complain if it goes lower.

If it goes higher then all bets are off. :)

I'll try to keep everyone posted by blogging my daily adventure.  I can't promise excitement and daily gems of wisdom, but I can give up a realistic account of an overweight, post-menopausal woman who needs to realistically lose about 80 pounds.

Join me on this adventure?

women vs men - today's assessment only

This is not going to endear me to anyone...especially most women out there.  Tomorrow, I may feel differently and I won't doubt that change in emotional connection with my fellow human.  But today I'm hurt. Today, I remember why I've alway kept myself removed from most groups.

I don't like women.

For the most part - women are bitchy and back stabbing.

Yes, yes, I know...they can also be kind, loving, generous, supportive and dependable.

But God forbid, cross one, or let her think she's been crossed and out come the claws.

Men are not like that - and that is why I have always surrounded myself with male friends.  Even the gays one weren't nearly as backstabbing and bitchy as most of the women I've known.

This isn't the case with all women.  Believe me, I'm not trying to make this black or white.  There have been a few women who have stood by me - through thick and thin - dating, marriage, divorce, and single parenthood.  These women I can count on one hand.  Precisely two fingers.

We (women) expect other women to stay in our lives forever.  Sisterhood and all that crap.  So, when you have a falling out with your "sister" it's entirely devastating.  You cry, you throw things and you swear you will never trust again.  When I've had a falling out with a male friend...oh wait...I haven't had one.  Sorry.  My mistake.  With men, they just gradually disappear from your life...like evolving into their next adventure.  Sometimes the man is there, and sometimes he isn't.  But the bridges are not burned.  Heck, they don't even tend to realized they've drifted away.

Because it's different with men.

If you have a disagreement with a male friend - they don't tend to take it personally.  It's a disagreement for god's sake - not a knife in the heart of your first born.  But women?

No, we tend to get overly emotional whether we want to or not.  It is personal.  It's always personal.  All women know that.  Even when they say it's not - it always is.

I have never been hurt more by another human being as I have been hurt by a female friend.  Funny...even after 23 years of marriage - the pain I felt during the end was only equal to the betrayal of trust I first experience from another woman.

So why is it there are women everywhere who SWEAR by their BFF's? What's with the sisterhood?  Who are these women that take their friends up into their arms to love and protect?

I'm thrilled for all those women out there that have this very circle of females surrounding them.  I'm happy they feel supported.  I'm surprised they feel trust and a blind dependence - but if it works and serves them well, more power to them.

For me?  I've tried.  Repeatedly.  I tried when I was a kid - I tried in high school (and actually found the two that are still in my life and my heart) - I tried in my 20's, my 30's, my 40's.  Nothing. Nada.  they were there when it served them...but when it stopped being good for both parties, they disappeared on me, never to resurface.

The men during these times?  Sure they are also scarce...but I'm comforted in the fact that they didn't disappear because I no longer served a purpose.  They just got caught up in their own worlds and slipped away.  If I were to call, 90% would show up at my door tomorrow.  Of the women from those same years?  I'd venture that less than 40% would show.

Yes...this is a whiny bitch session for one.  I don't expect anyone else to join in or agree with me.  I'm only putting it out there because I've been hurt again.  Not by a man...but by a group of women I called "friend."  I didn't see it coming...as usual...because I trusted them.

I never expect to be coddled, or to have everyone always agree with me.  But I also didn't expect to be shut down because of an assumption.  I didn't expect them to gather together like a band of sharks at the first hint of blood in the water.

I certainly never expected to be as hurt as I am by their words and their assumptions.

And while several other woman have come out and declared their love and support - I accept it with a grain of salt - not because they have hurt me, but because I feel like a wounded animal who is afraid to trust again.

It's a man's world out there...and while it's driven into power by the women - it is managed by the men.  There might be a reason for this...and while the thought of those reasons scare me - I can understand.

A man will lie to your face.  A woman will lie behind your back.

At least you know where you stand with the man.

The Blame Game and being Fat

When I think about what it was like - in my much younger years - to weigh 145, or even 130, I remember I didn't have a care in the world. I was happy, I was active, I was still lazy - but it all didn't matter because I didn't gain weight. I took it all for granted and never thought I'd be where I am today. 

If blame is to be given - I blame pregnancy. I gained over 75 pounds in a very difficult and dangerous pregnancy. It was so bad, both my son and I almost died in the delivery and we were both brought back from the edge of darkness. My husband at the time was terrified. He was truly happy just to have me alive that my weight didn't matter to him. Thin or fat - I was here and I was alive. 

I got even lazier (but only with my weight) about what I ate or did. I was highly active with my son, worked full time and went back to college. In between - I was on stage as a community actor. And I never lost the weight. 

I didn't push because my husband loved me, my son didn't care, and the weight got me parts I'd never gotten before when I was thinner. 

Then...my husband's alcoholism settled in and I was in a position of "fight or flight." I didn't lose the weight then because it was protective - it was something I could hide behind. But then food became comfort and I dove into it like it was a warm soft blanket on a cold winter's day. I wrapped myself up in a protective cocoon of food and didn't care about the damage I was doing to myself. No matter what I did - what my husband was doing was worse. 

Now...I've been divorced for three years, my son turns 17 in 6 days and I'm heavier than I've ever been. 

The excuses have done nothing except allow me to remain fat. 

I've tried diets over the years - plenty of them - and have lost weight only to gain it all back and more. My story is no different than anyone else's. 

So why am I still fat? 

Because I was still hiding. Because to find love again, I'd have to truly care about me. To feel successful and to stop running from the fear that enveloped me for seven years - I need to slow down and realize my life is much better today than it was when I lived in fear with my now "ex" husband. 

The nightmares of that time are finally starting to slip away...I don't fear going into a liquor store like I once did, and I'm not as hateful to the homeless alcoholic on the street corner. I've come away from that time in my life with plenty of battle scars, but they are just that - scars. They are no longer fresh wounds. 

I'm beyond the need to wear those scars proudly - the scars are there, but I don't need to show them off. 

I need to live with them, just as I live with all the other scars I've gathered from just living life. We all have them - mine are no better or no worse than yours. They are what they are. 

No more blame. 

No more hiding. 

No more excuses. 

This time it's for me. The only person it can be for. If I hide, if I seek comfort in food, if I'm lazy - then it's for me this time and not because I'm running or hiding. And if I get off my lazy butt and get moving - then that is for me, too. If I eat better foods, if I don't eat as if I'll never eat again, if I recognize that food is simply a part of life that adds fuel to living...then I am doing it for me.

This time is "me" time. 

I allow myself to do whatever it is that makes me happy. 

I allow myself to take it day to day. 

I allow myself to find me again and fall in love with me.