Any Major Dude...

It's been a Steely Dan kinda day...week...month...

Sometimes it's hard not to see beyond the facade of happy day-to-day existence - it's hard not to see the tiny timber tied together trying to hold up the smiles and laughter.

That's how I feel today.

Tired of trying not to see - not to feel the tiredness of the days as they stack upon one another.  Trying not to fold under the weight of my acceptance.

"Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend...any minor world that breaks apart falls together again."

I try.  Day in. Day out. I try.  I'm no different than anyone else - yet, I wonder sometimes why it is that I feel so different...so removed from the rest of society.

If you look at me statistically - I'm right there in the thick of things.  I'm a divorced, single mom.  I struggle with making ends meet. I'm average height.  I'm one of millions of overweight Americans. I remember the 70's. I believe in hope.  I don't trust our Government. I hate war. I love puppies.  Nothing too unusual about me.

Yet...

I've always felt as if I were just a tad removed from the reality of life around me - as if I exist on the sidelines and can almost reach in to experience the game...but not quite...it's just a transparency sitting outside the perimeter of my sight.

God knows I try.  I want to play.  I want to be a part of it all - but sometimes it's so exhausting to go through the motions just getting to the game so that when my chance finally comes around to join in, I find an excuse to step away from the field.  It's maddening sometimes - yet, I know I do it to myself.

I make sure I find a way to live life on the peripheral.

"I can tell you all I know, the where to go, the what to do. You can try to run but you can't hide from what's inside of you."

The melancholy of living - even to those of us who always see the glass as half-full, who would rather smile than fight, and who chose to see the joy in the day instead of the death and destruction that surround us - never escapes us. We know it's there. It's always there - and it's not even hiding around the corner.

No. It's twisted up in the twine that wraps the facade around us as we go out into the world. Every day. Every moment. It's always there.

Somehow, it's part of who we are.  And, at least for me, it's what keeps me anchored on the outside looking in.

"I've never seen you looking so bad my funky one. You tell me that your superfine mind has come undone."

Any major dude...